Let's Play Civilization IV!

[Plasma]

Bah! He's even targeting the weak island cities now!



...actually, I think those cities might be a diasdvantage for him, because they produce very little yet have high distance maintenance costs. And unlike me, Mond can't negate that with State Property!

LOOK WHERE YOUR CAPITALISM HAS BROUGHT YOU NOW, AMERICA!


Well FINALLY, the Dutch have arrived to assist me! Man, we are gonna kick so much booty with... those... two Cavalry units.



Goddamnit Williem!


What the hell Zara?! When my Empire is bigger than yours, you're claiming it's pathetic, but when it consists entirely of one city, you say it's "mighty Russia"!


Mond razes that pathetic Dutch city to the ground. I swear, he must have something against that peninsula!

...well I do! Man, that peninsula really screwed me over at the start of the game by making my scouts waste a dozen turns instead of moving through those villages! Goddam that thing!




And can you believe that the guy burning down cities in his wake is the good guy in this story?


Zara offers some very sage advice about trusting the guy who's in the process of destroying my Empire.


And yet, despite all this praising and sucking up, he still won't actually let me onto his continent! Watta faggot!


Although not as bad as Perciles, who is now threatening me with a sword! While telling me how he is not particularly interested in conversing with me.

THEM'S FIGHTING WORDS!


OH GEEZUS FUCK HE'S GOT TANKS FUUUUCK!


I have one sole city on the entire continent. Every other city is at war with me. Yet I still get a Great Merchant somehow!


Also, I'm quite glad now that I decided to save Fuschia City instead of the bigger Celadon City. Why? Because my massive borders are infringing on all the territories of the cities Mond captured! Meaning that those cities don't actually get to work most of the surrounding land, but still have to pay the same maintenance costs! Ahahah!


I've got a spare Galleon with a few units floating around now, looking for any last pieces of land or undefended cities.

I wonder if I can take one of those three islands...


Also, the Greeks are back again! Seems they haven't learned their lesson yet!


This all reminds me of 300...


Mond sends a small battalion of tanks against Fuschia City, probably to do some preliminary damage or something.

Either way, it doesn't work and the tanks get defeated without taking down any units.



Iunno why though. Maybe I had a small unit of Longbowmen still there that I forgot about!


Hm. Seems that Mond brought the war to the Dutch now! That's probably why he hasn't been invading Fuschia.


That, and because NOBODY CAN DEFEAT IVAN! AHAHAH!


Also, WATER HORSES!

Yeah, that's what happens when you select a unit being transported overseas.


The Greeks are rallying their troops for their second invasion now. Only this time, they have a butt-load more marines and artillery!


Aww faggotry, Greece actually put defenders on that tiny little island. WHY WOULD THEY EVEN DO THAT?!


Man, I hate artillery. If they're in with a bunch of proper units, they can just sit there and blast away at your city defences and you can't do anything about it!


As soon as Perciles starts invading, I get another Great General! Man, bad luck for him!


......this battle is going on for AGES! Geezus, how many units have they?


First turn over, and... they only took down two of my Machineguns. And have only three damaged marines and a few artillery/cavalry units left.


This is going surprisingly well!


Same can't be said for the Dutch though, as they've just lost their first city!

Those Americans are ruthless!


Aaand the rest of the Greek force gets mowed down in turn two, while that Anti-Tank unit runs away like a little sissy!


I hunt them down and kill them anyway!



Okay, so maybe I am the villain.


Mond is trying to force universal Environmentalism now. Problem is that it would replace my State Property civic (for some reason)!
However, since I'm already at war with them, I see no problem in defying the resolution!

THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT THEY'LL NEVER TAKE OUR COMMUNISM!


Err... wow, that city is screwed! Why on earth did Williem not put any proper defences there?


That's... that's quite an invasion force there.

And unlike Team Green, Williem has hardly any forces available to deal with the threat. He's gonna go down easier than I did!


Speaking of 'going down', the Greeks have finally got it into their heads that cavalry units might have a bit of problem taking down machineguns, and sent tanks this time!

That'd be bad if he had actually sent more than six.
...
Perciles is the very definition of retarded.


In other matters, it seems Mond re-declared war on Team Green while I wasn't looking. I send him a bunch more tech because, geezus, he's certainly not going to be declaring war on me right now!


Orrr it seems that Team Green actually declared war on Mond, given how he's now trying to backpedal into forcing a peacetreaty via UN!


Man, he is having no luck at all with his UN resolutions!


Perciles actually gets half a braincell and suddenly becomes smart enough to move across the river BEFORE attacking!


It doesn't help.


The Dutch lose their third city now. Ho hum, can't say I really cared about them.


In other news, I moved that Rifleman into Green Country now that they've actually accepted open borders. Somehow I don't think he'll be safe back in Ye Olde Dutche Lande.


Oh wow, Team Green are actually fighting back this time! There goes Mond's front of operations against them!


I quickly move a wandering settler up to the area to see if I can nab any free space while the border cities are going through anarchy!


Answer is no.


So I just move them up to Mecca instead. It's not like I can do anything else with them...


Oh lawd, one of Williem's troops just shot down a tank. WITH A MUSKET!

I love this game!


THE CAVALRY HAS ARRIVED!

...bodaciously. Zara sent over a giant battalion of cavalry. To contest with tanks.

*cough*


Oh...

OH HOLY CHIRST! THAT IS NOT A SMALL FORCE! THAT IS NOT SMALL AT ALL!


Will our "hero" be able to make it out of this one? Will Perciles finally crush that lone city? Will Team Green ever get their act together before Team Blue get Modern Armour? Will Mond ever actually get a girlfriend for his effort in this match? Tune in for the finale to find out!

[Mond]

One ...


... and two. Well, that was pretty lame.


The Dutch build a city on my continent. It doesn't last very long.
I destroy it because it's a little too far to the right. Yup.


Like this, there's no place where anybody could try building a city again.
Oh, also? I got tanks now! I drive them all over to Billium to transport them to the Dutch continent from there.


A little bit later, my first few units have arrived.


They don't face a lot of resistance.


William Shakespeare is on his way to Chozo City to give the concert of his life.
...yeah.


I get a Great General. He builds a Military Academy in Oormine II.


Goodbye air ships, hello fighters!
They basically do the same thing. The only differences are that fighters are stronger and can also defend your cities from other fighters, bombers and the like.


Thought you could bombard my cities, eh?


More tanks arrive, another city goes down. This is going pretty well I thi-


AURGH WHAT THE HELL
Team Green suddenly declares war on me again, and my current forces there will only last so long.
Whatever. I'll sacrifice those two cities and concentrate on the Dutch.


Team Green captures one of my cities, and Oormine II is thinking about joining the Dutch again.
why does this always happen to all my wars


Yeah I guess I can really abandon that place now.


Some of my tanks have City Attack III now! That means a huge boost to ... well, attacking cities. In fact, if I get some more like that, even Fuchsia City shouldn't be that big of a problem.
Also, my ally gets a Golden Age. Now he can produce his horse archers so much faster.


And another city down. Yeah, even Plasma put up more of a challenge than this.


And there goes my other city on Green's continent. Oh well.
Now that I think about it, being at war with them might even prove useful: Plasma set it so I'd have to kill every last Dutch unit to wipe them out, even if I had all their cities. So now, Willem can't just hide a ship or something inside Green borders. Cause, y'know, they'd never agree to open borders with me.
Also, I have airports now. Or maybe I've had them for a while.
Anyway, they allow me to transport units from one city to another instantly. But each city can only send or receive one unit per turn.


Come on Willem, get your act together! At least Team Green puts up a fight.


Actually, I think I take that back.


And ... well, you get the idea.


I guess that cavalry must've really rustled Team Green off lately, 'cause they're sending it to fight tanks and all.


The outcome is predictable.


Remember those Great People I stored in Zebes for later on? I just did, so I make them found some Corporations now.
More specifically, this Great Scientist founds Standard Ethanol, which gives me access to oil without the need for any actual oil sources. And since oil is needed for tanks, that's really useful!


Meanwhile, this here Great Engineer founds Creative Constructions.


It doesn't do much except adding to culture and production. The downside is that corporations eat cheddar like crazy, but then again I'm so rich that I really don't have to care.

Tune in next time for the great finale! Same bat-time, same bat-channel!

[Plasma]

Gaah! Another governor of Fuschia City bites the dust! GODDAM' FUCKING SPIES!


Ah... AHAHAHAH! Oh man, I just noticed that now! The aqueduct is delivering water... from the local mine! Wow, no wonder they had such bad health problems!


Aaand now for Wave 4.

I really don't know how well the Tanks will do against my Machineguns. While tanks do far more damage, the fortification and city defence bonuses help out quite a bit! So... I'm guessing this whole battle could really go either way!


...except when Ivan is involved! Hahahah!


Ah... oh, they actually did the sensible thing and moved square.

Balls.


IVAN IS LIKE A GOD TO ME!


I...

Hm. Well that was undramatically easy.



So maybe I have too much defences...


And once again, I take it upon myself to hunt down and kill the fleeing opponents!


Silly tank, mercy is for kids!


In other war-time news, looks like the last of the Dutch cities just bit the bullet.


Like I said, I set it so that you have to hunt down every last enemy unit to be able to defeat an Empire, so I guess he's metaphorically fleeing on that little boat up there!
RUN WILLIEM RUN!


.....he didn't get very far.
R.I.P. one useless ally.


But hey, Fuschia City just hit the Legendary Status mark, that's an achievement!

I mean, that does count for something, right? .....right?


Wait, what? They cancelled Open Borders?


Oh WOW, you mean the only reason they had Open Borders with me was because of my ally?! Geez, it's things like this that show where you stand in life...


Because our borders are now closed, any units in his land are instantly teleported to the nearest safe land. In this case, somewhere on the second continent!


.....this game has a very odd definition of 'safe'.


Oh WOW, my Cossack just got sent back to my own land!
I mean, that was the Cossack that I sent over to the Orange Continent ages ago!

I guess "What goes around, comes around" is far more literal than I thought.


Welp, there goes my worker and settler. Mond doesn't even have mercy for the helpless...


Or... yes he does. Apparently he doesn't actually want to kill off my remaining city.


...which he probably should have. Because now that Fuschia City has hit Legendary status, it's borders have expanded yet again!

Choro City doesn't even have land anymore! And Miridia is, once again, losing the culture battle!



Its moments like this where, despite having no fighting chance whatsoever, I can still appreciate playing!


Okay, whoever saw this coming, raise your hand.


I send Professor Ivan down to help out training any units who want to become legendary masters!


Mond elects a different sort of UN vote this time - the President Of The World vote! Which requires a good majority of the world to vote for you! ....in other words, he wants a quick end-game instead of a drawn out match either destroying Team Green or building up city culture.

...

And I vote for him. Yeah, he might be my mortal enemy, but I really don't have a choice. I know well that there's not much I can do now, as trying to expand any more by taking the nearby cities will just cause Mond to come back and attack me again, and Team Green are far too technologically unadvanced to be able to defeat him.


Aaaand- oh hey, I actually had a deciding vote! I mean, not that Zara could've won, but if I hadn't voted for him, Mond wouldn't have won (until he lowered Green's populace, at least). In the biz, that's called a Kingmaker Scenario.


GG, next map.


Final Power graph. It's nice the way you can visibly see the spikes in the Greek line where I kept fending off his invasions.

It's also worth noting my own line. Apparently, when Mond was completely destroying my forces, I was building units as quickly as I lost them!


OWCH, that smarts! That sudden divebomb was where I lost Celadon City, which would have also hit Legendary Status if not for Mond. Still, I couldn't get a Cultural Victory as I hadn't a third major city. Natch.


The world's five most influential cities! All by us two. Goddam, the AI sucks! Mine came third.

And WOW Zebes has a lot of wonders!


Stats screen! Apparently, I had actually built 32 Machinegun units. 20 of them died, and 13 are still alive and defending from a not-at-war threat.

...I... guess... the extra unit came from an alternate dimension or something?



Although not as bad as the Cossacks. I made 8, and 11 of them died! Apparently, I'm a sucky commander beyond even physical possibility!


Oh, but here's the fun stuff - the kill counts!
15 Cavalry
11 Anti-Tank (yes, Greece actually made 11 anti-tanks to deal with someone who hadn't even researched that far)
15 SAM Infantry (anti-air)
19 Infantry
13 Tanks


Dan Quayle?! Oh come on, that guy couldn't even spell "Potato"!
I mean, that's the guy who game the "The future will be better tomorrow" line! I couldn't be that bad!



...yeah, in actuality, the whole end-game score thing doesn't work out at all for if you lose most of your Empire. In fact, you can be completely wiped out, resulting in a score of 0, and you'd still be graded this way and put on the score board (although that's justified in that the scoreboard also has a brief summary of how the match went).


Just to put it in comparison, the last time I played against Mond (using pretty much the exact same setup - it was a sorta test match that, in the end, didn't work out well because of how boring it was for Mond), I got a score over 8 times what I just got (although I did completely annihilate both opposing teams in it).



So yeah, that was fun! Well, we still have Mond's victory episode to do... and after that, a special Final Stand episode where we see just how long I last against Mond's forces, but only Mond will be commenting in that one. Well I guess that's it from me until the next match, which will (hopefully) have at least twice the number of LetsPlayers doing it! If you're interested in playing, now's a good time to let us know!



*sings Russian anthem on my way out...*

[Mond]

Team Green stop their war on me, and the Dutch are down to one city.


Did I say one? I mean zero.
He has that one ship up there left. It doesn't survive the next two turns and the Dutch are wiped out.
Hooray! But now what?


Well, I guess I might as well destroy some more of Plasma's stuff.
Much like its Dutch friend, this ship doesn't survive the next turn.


Well, back to non-war things, I guess.
Making work boats ...


... building mines ...


... taking all of my ally's cheddar.


Yeah, he sure looks pop flyin' and friendly.


All my new cities regain their old culture and everybody is feeling good. Well, at least I am.
Now, time to win this the American way.


Democracy!


What a sudden and incredibly lame twist.
Now don't ask me why Plasma voted for me. I just did this for the heck of it and didn't actually expect I'd win, with Plasma's one huge city and Team Green voting against me. Of course I didn't think Team Green would win, either.
Oh well.


Yay me!
I love Washington's expression in this.


Statistics! How exciting!


I was the first one to found a second city.


My ally comes in second. While I've already build a third one. Wow.


Later on, the world looks like this for a while.


Then there's some wars.


And some more wars.
Russia looks like a tumor on my perfect blue continent.


Graphs! Oh boy!


It's funny how Pericles still had so much cheddar even though he gave it all to me all the time.


... wow. Zara had a lot of goods at one point.
But never mind, I still emerged victorious in the end. Go me.


And again. I said it from the start: Food will be no problem.


On the one hand, Plasma really produced units extremely fast towards the end.
On the other hand, his army was just pathetic all the way through.


Look at those barbarians! Yeah, that's what you get for building loads of wonders.


I can't help but grin whenever I look at Willem's graph here.


Universal number one! Well, except for exports – imports.
Notice how I still get 77% approval rate even though I was constantly at war with everyone.


Behold! Sid's Sushi Co.


Wow, almost eight hours. And that was on normal speed! Next time, we'll play on fast.


Herbert Hoover, America's 26st best president according to a 2009 poll.
But did he conquer the world? I don't think he did.


And that's it!
Well, actually, there'll be one more special episode where I'll try to completely wipe out Plasma, but you know that from his post.
And as he said, let us know if you want to join us in the next match! We want to have at least four people doing this next time, but we probably won't be able to take everyone; after all, we'll all have to be on at the same time more than once.
Anyway, stay tuned for the special episode!

[Crushter]

Hey hey,

don't start until next week, as I have no access to CIV at my Father's house.

[Mond]

Can't speak for Plasma, but I can wait that long.

[Fooflyer]

man I should try and buy this game and play it just to be a dick to plasma and get defeated after the 20th turn

[Plasma]

Hey hey,

don't start until next week, as I have no access to CIV at my Father's house.

Well, it's going to be more of a whoever-is-online thing, and considering the number of people who said they want to do it, it looks like you might have to wait until the subsequent match.

[Zink]

I'd do it, if I had Civilization IV.

[Mond]

Hey.
Hey, Zink.
Check your PMs.

[Echo MasterMind]

It's really tempting to pick up Civ IV when seeing this. Though, I have no idea what going on.

What does it cost?

[Mond]

I picked up Civ IV Complete for 20€ before the release of Colonization. That was a while ago, so it might be a lot cheaper now. Just don't check Steam, it's hilariously expensive there.

[electronic goat]

I would play, but I don't have Steam or MSN and I don't feel the need to get either one.

[Fooflyer]

why do you need either

[electronic goat]

why do you need either

Because Commodore Plasma and President Mond declare it so or something.