Meet Joe Sanders. He loves Zangief. I hope you like fat, balding, mustachioed rapists, because for this whole LP, you are one.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Hey! This guy doesn't look like Zangief! This guy isn't the Red Cyclone!"
Well, I guess now is the time I tell you how shallow you are. Okay, so he doesn't look like Zangief. So what? Just because a man doesn't flat out imitate the thing he loves, doesn't mean he doesn't love it. Do you dress up as your girlfriend? Do you dress up like hot pockets? No! This man is the same. He's in love with Zangief because Zangief is so different from him. Opposites attract.
Nah, I'm just messing with you. Here's our real avatar.
Totally awesome, right? Trust me, if there was an option for chest hair and red underwear, I would have taken them.
Now, time for some exposition!
Oh man, I can't believe the judge used "long" and "hard" in the same sentence. This is hilarious!
... But now is not the time for laughing... Maybe things would have gone better if I had worn a shirt to the hearing...
Wow, thanks George Costanza.
... Please find more work in Hollywood. Look at yourself, you're a jail warden in a bad video game.
On the way to South Block, I hear a phone ring. It's kind of weird, considering it's a payphone, but weirder still, I answer it.
It's my wife. Goddamn, I can't even escape the woman when I'm in prison!
Yeah, like James Bond! But not Roger Moore Bond, more like Sean Connery Bond.
After I've concluded that touching conversation with my family and escaped the creepy gaze of Warden Costanza, I found myself in my new home, South Block!
I took the time to label the HUD. The only thing I didn't label were the stats, which seemed pretty self-explanatory. Certain activities raise the stats, but if you are idle, these stats drop.
Wait, is that a broom?! Brooms are a good way to make cheddar, and raise the Strength stat. SEEMS LOGICAL.
I quickly rush towards the broom, eager to start my rehabilitation process. Soon, I will rejoin my family, along with society!
Suddenly, tragedy strikes! A fellow prisoner abruptly shows up and, without reason, steals my broom. That broom was my first step in a 12 step program, like hell I'm letting it go that easily!
I steal the broom back, but now the prisoner turns on me. Show me what it's for? It's for sweeping, you fool!
I am not intimidated by his demands! I am The Red Cyclone! I fear no one!
... Also, what the hell is with that warden? Is he facebattling my arm??? I think he's facebattling my arm!!! HELP!
While in a state of panic, I hear the prisoners words and in one quick movement, I stab him through the heart with my broom!
(... Okay, not really. This game was made by one person and as a result, very glitchy in terms of physics. Expect to see more weird things like this.)
I prepare myself for a fight! These things are normal in prison!
Wait! What am I saying! I'm supposed to be the great Zangief! I get into fights all the time! Prepare for an atomic buster!
... Oh, looks like the warden decided to help me out. I guess I won't need to bloody my knuckles this time.
Jeez, Mr. Warden! I guess you aren't too bad after all! Maybe we---
OH GOD MY BALLS!
SCREW THIS! ONCE THE BALL SHOTS START TO FLY, I CALL IT A DAY!
I make haste to escape the mad warden...
... But to no avail. In one attack, the warden decapitates me using his famous "Warden Chop" technique.
Again, not really. This is another glitch. The warden really did knock me on my booty though.
You set me up! YOU SET ME UP! ... The Cheat, tell him, tell him that he set you up.
I knew I should have paid extra for Pheonix Wright...
During this little interlude, I've take the opportunity to label this map of the prison that shows up during every loading screen.
I have been returned to South Block. I'm now $20 in debt, and 2 days have been added to my sentence... I haven't even touched my cell yet!
Wh.... MY BROOM!
Just feet away from my cell, the warden stops me. I am too tired to fight him, or get that daisies broom back.
Well, it may have taken long to get here, but I finally made it; Cell S-007. Before I give myself the grand tour, I better introduce myself to my neighbors: Prisoner S-006 and S-008.
Huh. Doesn't look like S-006 is in right now. As I turn to leave, something in S-006's cell catches my eye.
Hmmm, it's a syringe filled with some green liquid. Only one thing can come of syringes filled with green liquids...
SUPER POWERS!
Alright, now I just need to find the vein, and...
Warden Smokey shows up to lecture me about drug use as he casually takes a drag from his cigarette.
Before I can start injecting, Warden Smokey is upon me! He puts out his cigarette in my eye, and drags me off to court again.
OH YEAH! SCORE ONE FOR BIG Z!
Wise words from the judge.
Shortly after, I am released back into South Block. However, I find myself stopped by none other than... Don King?!
After an intense stare down, I walk away. King doesn't move at all, he just watches me, over his shoulder.
Can I survive in a place where even the great con-man Don King hates me?
Before I could even get back to the task at hand (Claiming super powers), I am confronted by Warden Smokey.
After this encouraging statement, I take to the task of reusing that syringe that's been lying on the ground all day.
Just as I am about to pick up the syringe, something catches my eye...
... What's going on is S-008's cell? Are they fighting or maybe... making sweet love?!
Wait! I'd recognize that wife-beater anywhere! That's that daisies broom thief! He can only be up to no good!
WARDEN! HELP! THE BROOM THIEF HAS GONE CRAZY AND STARTED RAPING A PRISONER! HELLLLLP!
Warden Smokey promptly punches me in the back of the head.
Then he begins beating up both the Broom Thief, and Broom Thief's victim.
The other guy is able to escape the wardens wrath, but Broom Thief is subjected to the nut-stomping of a lifetime.
... Naturally, I watch.
After a while, Smokey realizes his other prey has escaped and initiates a chase. Broom Thief was left into a crumpled ball, weeping to himself. Slowly, his cries turn to laughter. Broom Thief has gone insane! When someone goes insane, they lose control of themselves and begin wandering around and beating the crap out of anyone they come across. I can go insane too; it's what happens when my happiness meter empties. Insanity is only temporary, but if you end up killing someone, or attacking a warden, it could lead to you going to court.
Insane people are pretty dangerous. Unlike a normal fight, when eventually the opponent wanders away after beating you up, and insane person never lets up, and if you're not careful, can beat you to death!
And on that dramatic note, I flee to my own cell, hoping Broom Thief wanders off somewhere far away.
Only now do I realize how quickly night approaches. It's hard to tell in this windowless hell hole.
As I begin to fade into the realms of unconsciousness, I think about what has happened this past day. I've really only seemed to make enemies. I've got to worry about Warden Smokey, Broom Thief, and even Don King! I'm $20 in debt with no signs of financial income anywhere. It hasn't even been 24 hours yet, and my sentence has already been extended 2 days...
... Tomorrow looks promising.
To be continued...
