HEY GUESS WHAT GUYS
IT IS TIME FOR ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF:
ZINK PLAYING SOME GAME FOR THE FIRST TIME
YAAAAAAAAAY
So. Minecraft. The game the internet won't shut up about.
I recently did what the internet has been telling me to do for months now and bought Minecraft.
AND NOW
I SHALL PLAY IT
It begins as most games to: with a file selection screen.
AND NOW TO WAIT FOR THE RANDOM LEVEL GENERATOR TO DO ITS WORK!
..."saving chunks"?
What exactly does that mean?
OH WELL I'M SURE IT ISN'T IMPORTANT
AND SO WE ENTER THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF MINECRAFT
HUZZUH
Hey, there's something moving over there.
I shall investigate!
Aha! It is a pig! ...I think.
I left click to see what it does and immediately punch the pig RIGHT SQUARE IN THE NOGGIN'.
I decide that, since I already hit the pig once, I might as well finish it off.
It disappears into a puff of smoke, leaving behind naught but a piece of ham.
...O...kay...
I'm pretty sure slaughtering pigs does not work that way in real life.
I immediately walk to the nearest square of ground and start mashing the left-click button, causing me to hit the block OVER AND OVER AGAIN with the slice of ham.
...It does not accomplish much.
Oh look, trees!
Thanks to the internet, I already know the way to get started in Minecraft is to start punching the shit out of trees.
DIE YOU UGLY TREE
NOBODY LIKES YOU
YOU ARE A WORTHY FOE, TREE
I keep mashing the left click button, but to no avail.
I soon discover COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT that I was supposed to
hold down the left-click button, not mash it.
I am not sure how that really makes any sense.
But hey! I have
wood now!
And that is important for things like
building!
I then take all the wood from the tree, leaving naught but a bunch of leaves floating in the air, giving the laws of physics the finger.
I continue this process on several more trees.
I then access my CRAFTING SCREEN!
(I am going to be using the crafting wiki for this because I hate experimentation and because I am a filthy cheater.
I put all my wood into the crafting square. Apparently the result will be... slightly different wood. Hmm.
But wait... all 6 units of wood only equal 4 units of different-wood? That seems odd.
I decide to separate the piles of wood and only put a single unit onto the crafting square.
The result is still four units of different-wood.
...So, I can use six units to make four units, or I can use one unit to make four units.
GEE, I WONDER WHICH I'LL PICK.
One by one, I turn all my units of wood into units of different-wood.
I now have 24 units of different-wood!
HUZZUH!
AHA!
This little indent right here seems like the
perfect place to build my first base!
All I have to do use all my different-wood to close off the entrance and I WILL BE SAFE FOREVER
A FOOLPROOF PLAN.
GOIN' WELL SO FAR
...Actually, I think I may have found a
little tiny flaw...
Okay, so it turns out that light is something that uh
happens.
...Maaaaaaybe this isn't the best place for a base after all.
I must begin construction of a different base.
I WILL NEED MORE WOOD.
Okay, so it actually turns out that I'm a huge moron.
When crafting a stack of wood at once, although it says the normal amount of different-wood will be created, and actually lets you drag out multiple stacks. Thus, you do not actually lose anything by crafting a bunch of wood at the same time.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
IN OTHER NEWS:
This shall be the location of my new base!
It shall be small,
but focused!
There shall only be a
single square open, on the ceiling, to allow for light.
There! Now my amazing, luxurious, and
incredibly roomy first-base is complete!
I decide to craft four different-wood together. This makes a WORKBENCH.
Using this workbench, I have access to a 3 X 3 crafting grid, rather than the smelly old 2 X 2 inventory one.
Oh man just look at all that crafting potential right there.
Friggin' amazing.
I go back outside to get more...
...uh oh...
THE SUN IS SETTING
INTO THE SAFETY OF THE HASTILY-BUILT TINY ROOM
I will be safe here from that which lurks at night.
(Which is another thing I somehow know about from the internet).
I decide to make a wooden axe. That way, if something
does get in here...
Well, let's just say they
won't live to regret it.
...Hmmm.
This is actually really boring.
I know! I'll climb up unto the roof and get a good look at what's going on outside!
Wow, it's really dark.
I can barely see anything.
...I THINK I see some sort of green thing over there. It certainly doesn't look friendly.
Actually, I think I can see a
lot of strange green things over there.
None of which look friendly.
...Well, they won't be the only things unfriendly tonight!
I SHALL FORGE A BLADE OF WOOD AND, err, more wood.
AND WITH IT
I SHALL VANQUISH YE FOUL CREATURES OF THE NIGHT
PREPARE YOURSELVES, STRANGE GREEN THINGS THAT DON'T LOOK VERY NICE
FOR TONIGHT IS YOUR FINAL NIGHT!
HAVE AT YE
...You know they uh...
They look a bit tougher up close.
OH GEEZ AND WHAT IS THAT THING
OH GOD I THINK IT IS A ZOMBIE
THIS WAS SUCH A BAT IDEA WHY DIDN'T I COME UP WITH AN ESCAPE PLAN
Shit shit shit I'm losing health.
I MUST RUN AWAY LIKE A LITTLE GIRL UNTIL MORNING
IT IS MY ONLY HOPE
...
...
Well.
I think I learned a valuable lesson today.
DO NOT. GO OUTSIDE. AT NIGHT.
I hit respawn and up on the side of a mountain.
Away from my base.
With no items.
Completely defenseless.
...OH SHIIIIIIIIIIT
I jump all the way to the peak of the hill.
Hopefully they will be unable to get me from here.
I take out all the surrounding ground so that I am standing on a single peg of land.
Now I just have to stand here and wait until morning.
AND SPEAK OF THE DEVIL, LOOK AT THAT!
...
So uh
Shouldn't...
Shouldn't you guys be leaving now?
WOAH
All those green things and zombies must have actually been vampires THE WHOLE TIME
WHAT A TWIST!
Well, most of these creatures won't be a threat when their heads are on fire, so I'll just head back down now.
Oh hey, some random arrows!
Well, it isn't like anyone else needs them.
Oh, uh, hey guys.
Shouldn't you, err, be on fire?
Oh well, you guys don't looks so bad up close. I'm sure you guys are actually really friendly! Or evil. But if that's the case I'll just pummel you to death. After all, you don't even-
HOLY HELL THAT WAS A LARGE AND PAINFUL EXPLOSION
MUCH MUCH LARGE THAN I EXPECTED
No! You stay the
hell away from me, green man! I don't like your kind anymore!
Luckily for me, those things can't go uphill, so I simply hop back up to the fields where I'm safe.
Well, I'd better get to tree punching, I suppose.
