Posted: Fri Jan 29, 2010 6:54 pm
forgot completely about that movie. Nice one.
Hey guys, can you guess what time it is!?
That's right, it's "kill someone and steal their eye and then vandalize a tree" time!
IT IS MY FAVORITE TIME OF THE DAY
First stop: EYE STEALING
The lady who I am gong to gouge the eye of lives in these ruins and runs a cult or something. And, surprise surprise, the ruins look like every other ruin I have explored.
I bet none of you saw that coming!
Hey, one of those cult members! I'd better go talk to him and see if I can trick him into telling me where that eye is.
Ooop never mind turns out that he attacks anyone he sees on sight.
Anyway, he dies really easily. I guess that this cult doesn't like visitors.
....Heeeey....
These robes give me an idea...
Aha! With these robes, I'll blend right in! No one will suspect a thing! NO ONE!
I'm sure that, when I approach these two cult members, they won't easily see through my disguise and attack me like those Knights of Order did!
Aha! See? I told you this disguise would work!
And you didn't believe me!
I talk to one of the guys.
He sounds just like you would expect a member of a cult like this to sound.
Yes, that's very nice, I ca- wait hold on did you say temple in Cyrodil?
Wait, so you guys seriously went and stole a building?
That
is
badass!
I kill him and the guy he was talking to even though my disguise works. I mean, they are crazy cultists that are against Sheogorath's (and by extension my) rule.
Dammit! My disguise was working so well!
Oh, well. I guess it's "beat the cultist to death with your bare hands" time! My second favorite time of the day!
I like the way he referred to my fists as weapons.
It shows respect.
I SHALL SPARE YOUR LIFE
Well, I haven't had a portrait taken, and there are no cameras, so yeah, I do expect that people would not recognize my face. It isn't like they have any way to see it without seeing me in person, and if they do that and they are my enemy then they are already dead.
So, wait, you want me to kill Cliirta for you? That sounds like...
...an assassination contract...
Okay, yeah, I was going to kill her and cut out her eye anyway, but this makes it more fun.
Awww... you mean YOU have to do it?
Argh, fine. I'll go along with your little "plan".
Anyway, I get the daggers from the three guys I killed earlier and give them to cat-man here.
He immediately dashes off.
I chase after him. There is no way I am going to miss this.
He gives the daggers to his two colleagues.
The all dash off again as soon as they all have there weapons.
They run down the stairs so quickly they end up just sort of running into the air and falling.
They are really in a rush.
So they all charge into Cliirta's room and Cliirta's all like "what the fuck is this shit" and they are all like "this shit is us about to brutally stab an old lady (you) to death!"
THERE IS A FIGHT
Despite the lack of any evidence of me being involved in this scheme, I am attacked by some guy who is dressed like Cliirta.
He doesn't last long.
Soon both lay dead. I take Cliirta's eye (and everything else she had on her) and put it in my pocket.
So, with this guy as the leader, this cult is no longer against the rule of Sheogorath.
I kill him anyway though.
I really don't like these cultists.
I don't know why.
I just...
I just don't.
I have no idea why.
I guess I just don't like the way their robes glow slightly, and how they are obsessed with lights.
Also, I think the way they use rotting corpses as decoration is a bit tacky.
I take a nap in one of their beds and LEVEL UP twice.
My stats are getting really high.
Oh, hey, look, they have the pelvis of an emperor in a display case.
They certainly won't be needing it anymore.
Yes, it certainly is a shame that she is dead.
Oh, wait, no it isn't because she is DEMENTIA SCUM and therefore the realm is better off without her.
Anyway, it is time to go into some sort of dumb tree to get some sort of dumb stick.
OH BOY HOW EXCITING
The cave is, of course, infested with the SAME MONSTERS I HAVE BEEN FIGHTING OVER AND OVER AGAIN SINCE I ENTERED THIS REALM.
Well, this looks familiar!
Apparently, that one robe I found in the FIRST CAVE I EVER EXPLORED is good enough that it will also appear as loot for a character that is level 31!
I really must have gotten lucky!
I am fighting an insect when suddenly in starts glowing. It also starts spinning and rolling all over the place.
Oh, shit, I see what it's doing. It's challenging me to a dance-off! Dammit, there is no way I can match those awesome moves! It can't be done! I'm screwed! There is no possible way for me to win this contest of funk!
However, I am not nearly as screwed in the "beat your opponent to death"-off. Take that, friggin break dancer.
Yes, it is a shame that's she's dea- wait crap I already made that joke.
Uhh...
I got nothing.
I was approaching a treasure chest when suddenly the floor opened up to reveal a pit of spikes!
Luckily, my quick reflexes saved me.
Did I mention that this place is also part-ruin? Because it is. IT IS COMBINING THE TWO KINDS OF PLACES I HAVE BEEN EXPLORING over and over SINCE I ARRIVED AT THIS CRAZY REALM.
...Honestly, Cyrodiil is starting to seem more interesting than this place at this point...
I considered making a World of Warcraft joke here but with the responses to the World of Warcraft comics on this site I doubt it would be received well.
I find a room with strange blue torches and-
...hey, wait a minute...
I recognize this ungrabbable torch!
This is that place where I had to use telekinesis to light all those torches so I could find one of the three artifacts that one lady who wouldn't shut up about "the coming storm" wanted!
I've been in this place before!
It's a small realm! I mean, yeah, this doesn't really change anything, but still, I think it is interesting.
I have no idea what Queston is talking about.
In the slightest.
But, from the sound of it, I'm supposed to be taking some sort of spiritual journey. Screw that, I'm just gonna punch everything in sight until the tree gives me it's daisies branch whether it wants to or not!
This must be that one magic place with the magic branch.
It looks magic.
I start walking towards the pond when, suddenly, the rock starts farting! LE GASP!
...I think that may have been the first fart joke I have made this entire LP. LOOKS LIKE THAT STREAK OF NO-TOILET-HUMOR IS OVER!
Some sort of strange warrior appears and immediately turns invisible.
IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S GOING TO BE A BATTLE, OH BOY!
Hey, wait a minute... my opponent's name is Charlie Manhuge?
That's supposed to be me?
Okay, look, magic tree or whatever the hell you are, I understand what you are trying to do. You know, make the "hero" fight a darker version of himself to test him and all that.
But, seriously, that thing is nothing like me. Most noticeably because it uses a blade.
I DON'T DO THAT
Look, if you can't even get the "evil clone" to replicate the "hero"'s fighting technique, then maybe you shouldn't bother with the evil clone thing.
Also, the whole thing really only makes sense for heroes that aren't mass murderers. You would probably be better off having me fight a lighter version of myself.
Nice try, though.
Anyway, the impostor kind of sucks, mostly because it is attempting to use blades when it has little to no experience with blades since it is based on, you know, me. It is thus beaten to death fairly easily.
It is not long before the clone is dead.
See, that's another way it is nothing like me. I would have just reloaded from my most recent save.
This guy doesn't do that.
Man, you are the worst magic tree ever.
Although he may have been using a blade, at least my clone had the decency to use a blade that didn't suck, I guess.
I'm still just gonna sell it, though.
Anyway, I get the branch, take the conveniently placed teleporter out, and head pack to Pale-Face McKnow-It-All.
It is because I am awesome.
Woo.
Well, that should be easy. I sure hope that nothing happened to that throne room while I was gone! THAT WOULD SURE BE INCONVENIENT!
Anyway, he just sort of... conjures the staff out of nowhere. I take it.
Aha, now THAT is a staff that fit for a god! I especially like the way it has the eyeball of an old lady on the top!
I head back to the palace of Sheogorath and talk to Haskill.
...What problem?
...Er... no I didn't, actually...
...I'm going to have to fix this, aren't I?
SYL!
I still have to kill her to become the true Duke of Dementia.
I should get around to that sometime.
Why do I have to do it? Don't we have, like, a BILLION guards in this palace? Can't they at least help me do it? Oh, no, that would mean that I wouldn't have to do EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE and we CAN'T HAVE THAT, CAN WE?
Ughh... Can't we just sort of work... around the crystals? No?
Fine. I'll fix it the hard way...
I WON'T ENJOY IT THOUGH