Since you guys apparently disliked the apron this
whole time, I decide to switch to a different, much better-er piece of armor.
Seriously, the
only reason I was using that apron was because I thought you guys liked it.
Anyway, since you guys voted for the Mazken/Dark Seducers/whatever the hell you want to call them, that is who I shall assist!
I talk to the Mazken gatekeeper and tell her Sheogorath sent me.
...That's it? I just have to tell you that Sheogorath sent me, and you just hand me the key to
every single door to the fort?
...Wow, you guys are stupid.
I ask her about the torches.
I have no idea what you are talking about.
I head inside the fort. I am soon approached by another Dark Seducer.
I know I should be offended about that "and a male no less" thing, but really, look at the stats of Dark Seducer males (they are terrible). In their case, the sexism is kind of justified.
I ask her about the torches and all that stuff.
So, basically, one alter belongs to the Dark Seducers, the other belongs to the Golden Saints, and you guys can't work together for
just a few minutes to light them?
YOU
ALL
SUCK
So, I instead of, I don't know,
cooperating, your solution is to slaughter all the Golden Saints
despite the fact you work for the same person?
I mean, yeah, when Golden Saints and Dark Seducers "die" they are actually just temporarily sent to the planes of Oblivion and come back after a while, but still
THAT IS SO POINTLESS
Oh well, at least I get to kill people, even if it really isn't
truly killing them.
The Mazken appear to have this place really well guarded. They could probably very easily handle an attack from the Golden Saints by themselves, if they had to.
Anyway, I find the captain and tell her that Sheogorath sent me.
...Actually, I'd rather light the torch and be done with it. I don't have time for you guys to play capture the alter or whatever.
...sigh...
Okay, fine, whatever, I'll kill all the Aureal/Golden Saints/Whatever the hell you want to call them.
Why does all this stuff
always have to be so complicated? It's always "Oh, you need three arbitary stupid pieces of crap to activate the main stupid piece of crap so you can fight the stupid guardian of crap so you can get the crap that you are trying to get"
WHY CAN'T IT JUST BE SIMPLE?
Yeah, fine. I'll kill the Aureal.
But I'll do it my own way, not your stupid, "FIGHT THEM TO DEATH" way.
I head back outside and walk over to the Golden Saint side of the fort.
I attack the guard guarding the gate.
As I expected, the Golden Saints all rush through the gate and attack me to defend their comrade.
Even the Dark Seducer guard that was outside joins in the fight.
Now, you may think I am screwed right now, but I didn't get into this massive fight without a plan to win it. I'm not
that dumb.
You see, as se
veral people informed me of a while ago, when something affects people "up to level 25", it actually affects
everyone, no matter what their level is.
Meaning, it will affect all these Golden Saints and that one Seducer.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
After I cast the paranoia spell, I turn invisible and head into sneak mode everyone forgets about me.
Frenzied and without a "me" to attack, they immediately turn on each other as soon as they lose track of me.
THERE IS A FIGHT
A BIG ONE
The fight goes on and on and on and on.
It is
really entertaining to watch!
Although I become visible again, the saints are to preoccupied killing each other to worry about me.
Soon, all are dead except the captain and a surprisingly tough regular saint.
You'd think the captain, being, you know, the captain, would be able to easily kill her opponent, but they are actually pretty evenly matched.
The fight moves to where the sacred torch is supposed to go. The regular saint seems to be winning, at first, but then the captain manages to disarm her with a side blow.
From there on, it is an easy victory for the captain.
But wait! It turns out, in the Golden Saints' part of the fort, there was one more survivor other than the captain! The captain, still angry at
EVERYTHING, immediately charges at her and starts attacking.
At first, things seems to lean in the captain's favor. Although low on health from her previous battle, she is able to sent her opponent
flying with a single slash of her sword.
No, the Golden Saint in that picture is not standing on the railing, she is
being sent flying through the air!
However, despite her superior strength and ability, the captain is just too low on health, and is defeated.
However, the captain is apparently an essential NPC. Thus, she quickly regains consciousness.
However, she does not start attacking the last remaining Golden Saint again. Thus, it is up to me to take them both down, although only one stays down permanently.
What a mess. I sure feel bad for whoever has to clean this up.
I thought that killing the saints and seducers would be much less fun than killing normal people, since Saints and Seducers apparently come back from the dead after an unknown period of time, but I was wrong! Watching them all murder each other was
a lot of fun!
The captain just stares at the body of one of her fallen comrades. She doesn't seem to mind all that much that every single Saint in the fort except her is dead.
...
I just heavily contributed to the murder of every single one of your men (well, women)
Do you honestly think that I'm here to help you?
"Us"? Every single one of your soldiers is dead, except you. Unless you're one of those weirdos that refer to yourself as "us". Weirdo.
...Yeah, at this point I think you are just in denial.
Good luck with that, crazy.
Anyway, although I was able to wipe out every saint except her (and one seducer guard), she will remain essential until I talk to the Seducer captain and tell her that I will assist in the defense of the alter.
Before I do, though, I decide to check out this alter that everyone is fighting over. It doesn't seem all that gre-
Wait, what the hell? Is that a statue of the Duke of Mania? It has the same awesome hat.
Why would anyone build a statue of that dork?
And why does a fort that is the home of Golden Saints and Dark Seducers, two female-dominated races/species/whatever, have a bunch of statues of men, anyway?
IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!
Anyway, I talk to the captain and activate the battle. The "invasion" should be arriving soon.
...Oh god I just realized how innuendo-iffic that sounded.
There's the Golden Saint captain, storming an entire fort full of Dark Seducers all by herself.
I think she is still in denial about the death of her comrades.
Anyway, she is soon surrounded by two Dark Seducers and I.
This does not bode well for her.
She dies really easily.
I bet the Dark Seducers are really disappointed about this battle. They probably expected, you know, more than just one insane weirdo to defend the fort from.
Yeah, whatever. I did most of the work, though.
...Actually, I think I did
all of the work.
Wait what
The willing death of an immortal?
I know that you are referring to the fact that Mazken and Aureal supposedly come back to life a while after they die, but still, that is a
huge oxymoron.
Yeah, well, enjoy that.
She then heads into the center of the alter and stabs herself to death.
Then she bursts into flames.
Well, it was an awesome death, at least.
Before I get the sacred flame and leave, however, there is still something I want to do...
Something that requires me waiting 22 hours straight.
Luckily, the room is still full of the Mazken/Dark Seducers/whatever after those 22 hours are done.
This is gonna be fun...
I immediately run around the room and punch
every Dark Seducer in the room in the face.
Just as I planned, I am soon being attacked by almost every Dark Seducer in the room (unfortunately, some seem to refuse to attack and just stood still when I hit them, for some reason).
I cast a certain spell.
A certain spell I can only use once a day.
Immediately afterwards, I cast a
different certain spell I can only use once a day.
A massive fight breaks out between all the Dark Seducers.
Sounds familiar, doesn't it?
I see no real reason why I should kill only the aureals and not the mazken. That seems kind of unfair. I like to murder everyone
equally.
I also take part in the madness.
It is a grand ol' good time for everyone!
That is, everyone who isn't killed.
Which is everyone who isn't me.
Well, I think that takes care of
everyone in the fort.
Everyone who isn't me, that is.
I know what you are saying. "Isn't slaughtering a fort full of allies a little extreme
even for you"?. Well, I would like to point out that they aren't going to
stay dead. They'll come back eventually. Sure, no one knows how long that takes, so their souls could be wandering Oblivion for years, but that's not my problem.
Besides, they insulted me. You know, that "and a man, no less" thing. Just because it made sense for them to be sexist doesn't mean they should be able to insult Charlie Manhuge and get away with it!
I have an image to maintain, you know?
The best part? Somehow, this mass slaughter didn't result in
any bounty
at all! Apparently, me killing a bunch of non-hostile Dark Seducers unprovoked was completely justified, according to the game.
I do end up having to drink another potion of feather, though, due to all the stuff I looted off the corpses of all the Saints and Seducers that died because of me.
Anyway, I head outside and-
Whoops. It looks like I missed a spot.
That's better.
Well, this is the sacred torch. But how am I supposed to get it back to New Sheoth? Maybe I should have asked someone before I killed everyone...
Well, Queston seems to think I should walk into the flame. Maybe it's ma
gic flame and it automatically gives me a torch or something. That would be neat.
OH GOD THIS IS INCREDIBLY PAINFUL I WAS WRONG
I THOUGHT THAT THIS PART WOULD BE SIMPLE I DID NOT THINK THAT I WOULD HAVE TO LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE TO GET THE FLAME TO NEW SHEOTH
THERE AREN'T EVEN ANY NINJAS AROUND
I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN MORE PAIN
EVEN THOUGH I AM BURNING ALIVE RIGHT NOW I DECIDE TO HEAD OVER TO THE SMITH SO I CAN SELL ALL THE STUFF I LOOTED
I AM NOW BOTH A VERY RICH AS WELL AS HORRIBLY BURNED MAN
THIS SEEMS TO BE THE PLACE I AM SUPPOSED TO BRING THE FLAME
I SURE HOPE THEY CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS PAINFUL
PAINFUL FIRE
I AM SORRY SIR I AM HAVING A BIT OF TROUBLE SEEING YOU THROUGH THE FLAMES THAT ARE CURRENTLY COOKING MY FLESH
OKAY FINE WHATEVER I WILL LIGHT THE FLAME OF MANIA SINCE YOU ASKED FIRST JUST GET THIS FIRE OFF ME
EXCUSE ME I AM KIND OF BURNING ALIVE CAN WE STOP TALKING SO I CAN REMEDY THIS THANKS BYE
Phew...
Somehow, lighting the torch of Mania with my body caused the bruning to stop.
That was an experience I never,
ever want to repeat.
A Raiment? That sounds interesting.
Although it is more or less useless in the way of defense, it has some nice enchantments. It might be useful in some non-combat situations.
Let's see how it looks!
...Well, it doesn't look
good, but it doesn't look awful, either.
It could be worse, I suppose.
Oh, hey, look, Sheogorath came. That saves me the trouble of walking all the way back to the palace. How nice of him!
Annnnnnd he is telling me a bunch of stuff I already know.
*sigh*
Yes, I already know. You've told me already.
...Why am I arguing with a crazy person?
Wait, so I'm going to become a duke?
Sweet!
Rules! My mortal enemy has infiltrated even this realm of madness!
CURSE YOU RUUUUUUULLLLLLLEEEEEESSS!
I hope it isn't too complicated. I don't have all the time in the world, you know. I have things to do, places to go, murders to commit, that sort of thing.
Don't even bother reminding me, anymore. I'm just gonna forget anyway.
Anyway, I first talk to the priest of Dementia to find out how I can become the Duke.
I don't know who that is.
No.
Wow. Gruesome.
I like it!
I then ask the Priest of Mania how I can become the Duke of Mania.
Choose a successor? THAT'S BORING!
A celebration? THAT'S BORING.
Suicide by poisoning? THAT... sounds really fun, actually.
Neat!
I bet I would have to end up tricking Thadon into taking the poison, too!
Both of these sound awesome!
Sorry guys, but it is time for another vote. We must decide which leader I will kill and which position I shall take.
Who is it going to be?
The Duke of Mania, the stoned dork with the cool hat who likes to talk about his sex scandals for no reason?
or
The Duchess of Dementia, the paranoid one-dimensional character who thinks that everyone is trying to kill her (and is usually right)?
Choose wisely