AWKWARD ZOMBIE

if you don't I will derail this thread so hard with goatse pictures...

Scariest threat ever.

it is hard to make internet threats

Dark will just stick your nose in your mess before cleaning it up




































Trust me

I suppose I should (finally) talk to the Duke and Duchess now. I've been procrastinating this for a few (in-game) days now.

I decide to start with the duke of Mania.



He doesn't seem to be in his throne room. HOW ODD



Oh, he's just in his garden, painting. Doesn't he know that all rulers in this game are just supposed to sit in their thrones and do nothing else?




...What?



...Okay, I think this guy might be completely out of his mind.

In retrospect that probably should have been obvious beforehand.



Shut up. Your crazy babbling isn't even amusing like Sheogorath's is. You are just a poor man's Sheogorath.

Anyway I ask him about the Chalice because I really don't have any other choice in the matter.




I wish I had any idea what this guy is talking about.

I DON'T



*sigh*

Look, if you aren't gonna start making sense, I AM going to have to punch you.




How the hell did you get from talking about a magic chalice to some sort of sex scandal

How does that even work



Yeah okay look I really, really don't need to hear about your sex life. I just need some sort of quest or whatever and then I can leave.



No, seriously, shut up.

I really don't care who or what you did.

Why on Earth are you just telling random strangers this anyway I mean I know you are supposed to be insane but I don't think you are supposed to be stupid.



And, as quickly as the topic shifted from the chalice to his sex life, it shifts back.

I think this guy might be schizophrenic or something.



Great, now I have to go find some sort of magic cup. I bet it will be in some sort of cave filled with giant monsters that will be way to hard for me to fight due to my high level.

WHAT FUN.

Anyway, I ask someone in his throne room about the chalice and where to find it.



...Honestly, I think you guys are trying way to hard to sound insane. At this point you just sound ridiculous.



Of course a rough road awaits me. A rough road always awaits me. When I walked from town to town back in my old dimension, I would be attacked by 5 bears, 4 minotaurs, a troll, 2 will-o-wisps, and thirteen bandits.

NATURE WANTS ME FRIGGIN DEAD.




So, I have to eat this "felldew" or whateverin order to get into the borrow.

This does not sound healthy.



As I near the cave I am supposed to enter, I am attacked by the normal batch of nature-trying-to-kill-me, and a elytra that appears to be glowing for some reason.



I find some of the so-called "felldew" on it's dead body.



The entrance to the cave is sealed, however.

Hmm, maybe I'm supposed to eat the felldew and that will let me in... Nah, that makes no sense, how can the door tell what I've eaten-



Holy shit it actually worked.



Okay, let me explain what I have to do here. This cave, despite looking exactly like the others, is filled with elytra. Some are glowing. These have felldew on their corpses. When I first ate that felldew, I became addicted to it. If I go too long without felldew, my stats start to drop and stuff.

It is pretty much one of the most difficult, long, and irritating areas in the game.



Also, when making a bunch of potions for no real reason, I advance a rank in alchemy. Hooray?



There are a ton of elytra in this cave. Elytra are not easy creatures to slay, especially at my level. After fighting my way through the first areas of the cave, I begin to get attacked by way more elytra than I can handle. I thus decide to use my invisibility and just run by them.



Unfortunately, my invisibility runs out and I am forced to resort to a good old-fashioned dose of run awaaaay



The thing about running away, though, is you end up in situations where you are being chased by three or four enemies and then you make a wrong turn and end up at a dead end, and then you realize that you are now cornered by said enemies and now have to run by them. And you are at low health and they can easily kill you in a few hits.

Sort of, you know, exactly like the situation I am in in the above picture.



I eventually make it to some sort of fancy door.

Huh.



The door leads into a surprisingly large and fancy room. It contains some half-naked people. I decide to ask them if they-



Oops wait turns out they try to kill me on sight while screaming "GET OUT" at the top of their lungs looks like there will be no conversations today.

THERE IS A FIGHT



I know I am Charlie Manhuge and should be a master of unarmed combat and all, but these guys are still quite a challenge. It isn't so much that they are tough, it's just that they are able to surround me and beat me up all at once while I can only hit one of them at a time.



I still win though.

Obviously.

Anyway, I take the chalice (which is on the pedestal in you can see in the picture) and it cures me of my felldew addiction.

In retrospect, I probably should have made some stoner jokes or something but I really didn't have the right screenshots for that.



They have really nice beds. For some reason.

I decide to take a nap in one of them.



OH BOY, BECAUSE THIS GAME WASN'T DIFFICULT ENOUGH I HAVE TO LEVEL UP AGAIN WHAT FUN.



It turns out that the giant room has a door that leads right outside.

WHY THE HELL COULDN'T I JUST ENTER THROUGH THAT DOOR!?



Right outside, I find one of those alters of order or whatever. I priest appears to be activating it, and it is currently spitting knights of order at me.

This game just can't give me a break, can it?



I mange to overload the thing with hearts of order taken from the dead knights (which is how you stop them, I don't know if I already told you or not). Unfortunately, it doesn't get rid of the 15 million and a half knights it already threw up at me.



Not to mention the priest pretty much immediately reactivates it.

I just decide to run awaaay.

Anyway, I fast travel back to New Sheoth, and-



Wait, what the hell? Is that one of those order thingys? WHY THE HELL IS IT RIGHT IN THE CASTLE COURTYARD?



Hell, there's another one right over there!

WHY

DOES SHEOGORATH WANT TO BE OVERRUN BY THE FORCES OF ORDER?

Anyway, I go ahead and talk to the duke.



I swear if you talk about your sex life again I will beat you unconscious.



Wait, was this whole mission about teaching me a lesson about drug abuse?

Couldn't you have just showed me a public service announcement or something?




I'm a Courtier of Mania now? Awesome! I bet I have access to all sorts of-



Crap.



...Well, that was one big enormous waste of time.

That seems to be happening really often lately.

I once found 340+ hearts of order on a priest's body.

Fooflyer wrote:I once found 340+ hearts of order on a priest's body.

That's really weird considering that when you try to loot their body they electrocute you.

That was not a good day for Charlie Manhuge.

Bacon wrote:That was not a good day for Charlie Manhuge.

You knew this was coming.
Also You should beat up the guy with the fancy hat. Then take his hat.

I agree completely.

You'll wear that hat better than him.

Zink wrote:

Fooflyer wrote:I once found 340+ hearts of order on a priest's body.

That's really weird considering that when you try to loot their body they electrocute you.

Wow are you being serious? You have to kill the priests first, and then deactivate the obelisk. That way, they can't summon more knights and the obelisk isn't protecting them anymore.

Fooflyer wrote:

Zink wrote:

Fooflyer wrote:I once found 340+ hearts of order on a priest's body.

That's really weird considering that when you try to loot their body they electrocute you.

Wow are you being serious? You have to kill the priests first, and then deactivate the obelisk. That way, they can't summon more knights and the obelisk isn't protecting them anymore.

Oh, really? I never really had the patience to deal with the obelisks, so I didn't realize you had to deactivate the obelisk then search the body.

Also, Squigzog and Bacon, if you are referring to Thadon, the Duke of Mania, then

I am going to have to kill him in a later quest anyway. I can get his helmet then.

It's actually pretty decent.

Yessssssssssssssssssss

Aw yeah.

Although I have finished with the duke of Mania, I now have to pay a visit to the Duchess of Dementia.

Her throne room is right across from the duke of mania's



Unlike the Duke of Mania, she knows how to be a good NPC and sit in her throne all day doing absolutely nothing.



Yes. Yes I do.

For other people, I mean.




I'm guessing that Syl's "gimmick" is that she is incredibly paranoid.

I doubt her personality will have much beyond that.



It is like talking to a one dimensional cardboard cutout that only knows how to be paranoid.

...Actually, that would be really impressive if a cardboard cutout could do that...



Oh boy! Do I get to kill them? Please tell me I get to kill them!

I WOULD REALLY ENJOY IT IF YOU TOLD ME TO KILL PEOPLE!




Wait, so you want me to do detective work?

That's it?

...You have no idea how disappointed I am right now.



Wait, what?

I don't know what is weirder. That you are going to "hold me responsible" if I screw up some stupid pointless detective work, or that you actually think that you scare me.



I find that one guy Syl told me to find in her private dungeon. He is just staring at that empty cage. Weirdo.



...What kind of entrance did you expect? Should I have leaped into the room, posed, and shouted "THE GRAND INQUISITOR HAS ARRIVED"

...Actually, in retrospect, I really should have done that.



...Begin what?



You mean I get to torture and interrogate people!?

By the time this day is over, I will be able to check yet one more thing off the list of things to do before I die.

I decide to start with the guy sitting next to Syl in her throne room.



Suuuuuuuure you don't.

TORTURE TIME.



HAHAHAHA OH GOD OTHER PEOPLE'S SUFFERING IS THE BEST.

Okay, so, technically, that guy gets to torture them instead of me, but I give the order and that is close enough.



I DON'T BELIEVE YOU~



Torture: off-screen style!




Now, was that so hard?

Although I have no idea who this "Anya" is, Queston seems to know, so I follow the quest marker until I find her.



She is standing outside near one of those order obelisks.

How suspicious!



That is very nice but I don't care also you are part of a conspiracy



What's that? It sounded like you said "Please torture me until I tell the truth".

That I can do, my friend!



I give my torturer the order to torture, but he kind of fell behind when I jumped down all those stairs, so he needs a moment to get to Anya.



Yep... here he comes...



It will only be a short while before he is within torturing range...



He's almost theerreeeee



BAM! TORTURE TIME! WOOHOO!





...Was there any reason why you couldn't have just told me that in the first place?

Any reason at all?



I find the guy she mentioned and-

...Wait, didn't I kill that guy because he liked dogs?

...Maybe it's his evil twin brother or something.



Hey, I know what might jog your memory as to where your stuff is:

SOME GOOD OLD-FASHION TORTURIN'!



TORTURE!



What's that, you say? "Torture me some more"?

IF YOU INSIST



MORE TORTURE!



...Okay, looks like I actually am going to need some evidence here.

Curse this need for actual proof instead of mere hearsay evidence!



Hey, this store is called "Things found". Maybe his stuff, and evidence along with it, is here!





No, there's nothing but some petty soul gems and some lettuce and yarn that is kept in a display case for some reason. All pretty useless stuff. I mean, I steal them anyway, obviously, but it doesn't really help me at all.

Maybe I should just ask around town...



That's okay, beggar guy, I was probably going to torture you no matter what you said.



THIS NEVER GETS OLD!



...That's a really polite greeting considering I just had you tortured.

...Okay, I think I am gonna leave now.

I head into a nearby inn to see if anyone has any information there.



...This place seems sanitary.



...What makes you think I care?



Yeah, no, I have better things to d-



Yeah, that's great and all, bu-



...Ugh, okay, fine, I'll find your stupid cure when I have time.

But I think you need to pay for wasting my time. I think I have an idea how you should pay...



Oh, torture. It is like watching a play, except there are no lines, and there is only one actor, and that one actor is in excruciating pain.



Maybe a little bit.



Well, I suppose I should go talk to this "Nelrene" then. And by "talk to" I mean "torture the hell out of".



I find her in Syl's throne room. Unfortunately, it doesn't give me the option to even ask her about the conspiracy.



I decide to wait outside in town to around midnight. Maybe I can catch her and the guy I thought I had killed talking or something.



I find them and eavesdrop on their conversation. I will sum it up for you guys.

Nelrene: WE SHOULD KILL SYL AND MAKE SURE THE INQUISITOR ISN'T ON TO US

Guy I thought I killed: YES THOSE ARE TWO THINGS WE SHOULD CERTAINLY DO

I decide to confront Guy-I-Thought-I-Killed after their conversation is over.



I tell him I overheard the conversation, and he freaks out.

I ask him why he is plotting to kill Syl, anyway.



Wait, you want to kill her over that sex scandel that Thadon kept talking about? That's why?

That is the pettiest reason for a political assassination I have ever heard

I ask him who else is involved in the scheme.



I tell him I will spare him. It isn't my problem if he gets away with what he did. It's not like I care.



He tells me that he will give me the list of names next midnight.

Since it is currently around midnight, I have to wait 22 hours for midnight to come again.



I enter the house and he gives me the na- whoops nope turns out he's dead.

WHAT

A

SURPRISE



I find a suspicious cupboard key on his corpse.



Inside the cupboard I find a suspicious piece of paper and a suspicious note.



So, apparently, "Muurine" is in charge.

Interesting.



While running up the stairs to New Sheoth Palace to confront Nelrene, I suddenly gain the ability to talk about skooma (an addictive drug-like drink).

This makes so much sense!



She just tells me to go find "Muurine". I don't even have the option to torture her, or even arrest her.

This sucks.



I find Muurine in her house. I decide to investigate the rest of the house for evidence before I confront her, though.



WHAT THE HELL WHY IS THERE A ZOMBIE NAMED UNCLE LEO IN HER BEDROOM THAT MAKES NO SENSE NO SENSE AT ALL



The zombie is soon dead from the might of my punches.

...Well, more dead than it was before.

It actually wasn't aggressive, so I didn't need to kill it, but TOO LATE NOW

Anyway, I decide that there is no worthwhile evidence in this house and to confront Muurine



When you say "lost" do you mean that his arm came off or that he misplaced it?

Both are equally irritating, in my opinion.



That I have.

THAT

I

HAVE



Wait, the Duke of Mania is an enemy? Aren't we all in the same kingdom? I wasn't even aware that there was any tension between Mania and Dementia.



Well, okay, I guess I should go tell Syl about this then.

Enjoy your execution. I know I will!



Oh boy, this is gonna be good!



Syl soon shows up, and she yells at Muurine for a bit and sentences her to death.



Muurine then spontaneously explodes into a million volts!

IT IS AWESOME!



Thanks, I-

...Wait, spare my life? I was going to be executed?

Why don't people tell me these sort of things? They seem like the sort of things I ought to know.



At least I get an actual reward, unlike from that stingy Duke of Mania.

I shall sell it at the earliest convenience!



I loot Muurine's body, but she doesn't have anything worth taking.



...I just realized that I didn't get to kill anyone throughout this whole quest.

That makes me sad.