AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Or potato skins

Decker wrote:Why would you need cheddar?

You're Irish, your currency works with four leaf clovers and beer

Resist fire potion of course.

I see what you did

I like you

...Well, staring at this thing is getting me nowhere. Hmm. Maybe I'm done here. I just expected some sort of convenient exit to pop up.



...You know, like this teleporter pad directly to my right.

I really need to look to my right more often.

Anyway, I take the teleporter and am immediately confronted by a man in a a cloak.



Actually, I was just here to put a bunch of crystals back where they are supposed to be. Sort of like a janitor. I don't have time to do whatever stupid crap you want me to.



Oh, so basically you are the one that is supposed to keep this place in working condition? You know, the one that isn't supposed to let a bunch of Grummites move in a mess everything up?

YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST AT YOUR JOB. I HAVE NEVER MET ANYONE WORSE AT THEIR JOB THAN YOU. NOT EVEN THE BLADES ARE THIS BAD.




Sucks to be them, I guess. I really, really don't care. I have better things to do than talk to you.



No, seriously, I don't care. As I said, I have more important things to do. Murders to commit, assassinations to do, that sort of thing.



NO, REALLY? I HAD NO IDEA THAT SHEOGORATH SENT ME. WOW, YOU HAVE SUCH GREAT OBSERVATIONAL SKILLS.





So I'm stuck until I beat some more people to death? Argh. It's a good thing enjoy beating people to death so much, otherwise I would probably be sick of it by now.




Wait, you mean I get to decide the fates of some adventurers and watch as they go insane and/or and mercilessly slaughtered?

Forget what I said about having better things to do, count me in!



Free loot too?

To think, I wanted to leave this place.





Wait, are you implying that those in Dementia don't have a loose grip on reality? Because, I met some of them, and "crazy" doesn't even BEGIN to cover it.

Anyway, he tells me about the first of the three chambers.




So, they can be swarmed and viciously killed by a bunch of small, nasty gnarls, or they can be chased around a little bit until one of them wets himself so much that it drives him insane or something?

GEE, I WONDER WHICH ONE I SHOULD PICK.



I head over to the observation deck-place. There are three adventurers, who somehow can't see me. They all walk over the gnarl, stop, and then just stare at it. They occasionally make comments about it to each other, but none of them decide to, you know, actually do something about it.



BUT ENOUGH OF THAT, RELEASE THE SWARM



FIGHT YOU PATHETIC LOSERS, FIGHT FOR THE DEATH FOR MY ENTERTAINMENT

It is like the arena, but more hilarious.



Soon, the rogue lays dead, but the mage and warrior are still alive.

Good thing there are more chambers! The ugly guy in the robe tells me how it works.





So, I can either watch them get blasted through the air by a fiery explosion, or I can drop a bunch of keys in the room and have them maybe go insane after a day or so trying to figure out which one works, assuming they even decide to try and find the right key.

WOW, YET ANOTHER TOUGH CHOICE.



The wizard and the warrior stand and stare at the treasure, much like they stared at the gnarl. These guys are the most efficient band of adventurers I have ever seen.



KA-BOOM



The wizard dies, but the warrior lives. He doesn't seem really all that bothered about his friends getting killed in horrendous ways. He's either really good at not showing emotion or he's a terrible friend. Probably both.



The FINAL chamber, huh? Sounds great!



Wait, so, basically, the room is modeled after my life and adventures?





So, I can watch the guy get killed by zombies, or I can watch him go through pretty much the most traumatic experience possible.


GEE I WONDER WHICH I SHOULD CHOOSE.

No, seriously, this one is actually a tough choice.



The warrior stands in the middle of a room filled with blood-stains and corpses. He then just sort of... stares at the wall.

Wow.



I decide to go with the false-death one. His body falls to the ground, but his spirit is able to look around and see the dead body.

This, really freaks the guy out.



Afterwards, he just sort of stares are the wall again, but now he's insane.

WHAT FUN.



Yep, I sure did a great job pushing those buttons! Just like Gordon Freeman!



My earnings? Oh boy, I can't wait!

I head through the teleporter and the guy talks to me again.



A focus crystal? I bet that will sell for a lot!



Wait, so my focus crystal is going to be in the lobby of a palace that doesn't even remotely belong to me?

...This is completely idiotic.



An unusual weapon? Sounds interesting. That is, IF I CARED ABOUT WEAPONS IN THE SECOND.



I HOPE I GET A PUPPY!



...Eh, the talisman is kind of useless, but it might sell for something.



I have no idea what any of this crap means. I check out the warrior's journal. Apparently, the blade changes forms every day and night, and if you kill 13 things with it becomes more powerful when it changes forms, and blah blah blah blah blah. I really don't care. I don't use swords. I'm just gonna sell the daisies thing.



Well, I suppose I should exit the premi- wait what the hell are those strange crystal things coming out of the ground normally crystal does not spontaneously grow out of the ground like that this is most unusual.



Suddenly, I am attacked by some guys in white armor!



THERE IS A FIGHT



Dammit, you talked to me before I could get a picture of their bodies! Nice job, dork-for-brains!

I ask him what the hell those things were.



I know, you'd think I'd only ENTERED THIS DIMENSION a few days ago or something!



THE KNIGHTS OF ORDER? WHAT A... cliche' sounding name.

Huh.




OH BOY, ANOTHER ERRAND.

WHAT FUN

I LOVE ERRANDS

SO

MUCH



Well, I'm glad that's over with. Remind me to never, ever come here again.

Ever.

Make a trip every day. I want to see more Kaboom.

I agree. Some dismemberment would also be highly appreciated.

I WANTED KEEEEEYSSS

Insane sounds so much more fun then dismemberment ;-;

But making up your own insane sounds is the best!

THWOMP!!!!!!

^______^

Charlie Manhuge looks so classy in his apron.

Why thank you Squig

Ever so helpful as usual

Now that I'm done with that whole "Xedilian" thing, I head over to Crucible. I decide to see if there is a smith here that knows about these madness matrices I found.



This appears to be the only smith in Crucible. She probably knows about this madness crap.



Aha! I was right! I shall have my magic grieves constructed immediately!



These magic metal pants have a great endurance bonus! I'm definitely equipping these! Even if they are heavy and annoying!



They don't look as awesome as amber though.

OH WELL



I head over to New Sheoth Palace to find out what Sheogorath wants me to do next. I hate doing errands for people like this (even though I seem to do them a lot), but I still think it is a bad idea to piss off a god.



There's my focus crystal. It is in Sheogorath's throne room. Even though it is mine.

HOW DOES THAT EVEN BEGIN TO MAKE SENSE?

Anyway, I go over to Sheogorath and tell him I fixed Xedilian.



YES CHEESE I LIKE CHEESE



...But I like cheese D:



I can summon your magic butler? OH BOY, I AM GOING TO ABUSE THE HELL OUT OF THIS ONE!



But... he's... standing right next to us already.

...Ah, what the hell, it's the realm of madness, why not?



I summon Haskill and he teleports a few inches to in front of me.\




So, basically, you are like Navi but you are a magic butler instead of an annoying fairy.

AWESOME.



IF YOU INSIST!



Man, the magic butler is awesome and all, but I get the impression he doesn't like me.



Wait what am I going to have to do



No wait go backwards that Jyggalag guy sounded important





Couldn't YOU do that? I mean, I'm specifically helping you because I think it would be a bad idea to piss off a god, but now that it means I need to piss off a different god in order to not piss off you I am a bit more hesitant.

Also what the hell is the Greymarch?



This tells me nothing about it.



Wait, the daedric prince of order walks around causing chaos and destroying things?

...That makes no sense whatsoever.

Anyway, I ask him what I have to do next.




...That sounds... boring.

Whatever, at least it doesn't involve being attacked by a bunch of Grummites, I guess.



THE ONLY FRIEND I EVER HAD BETRAYED ME IN MY TIME OF NEED! I NOW KNOW BETTER THAN TO HAVE "FRIENDS"

...Wait, no. Martin wasn't my only friend. I also had Freddie Horsegiant, but I accidentally killed him. I guess Shadowmere is kind of my friend, though. I only had her for a day or two before I came here, though.

Anyway, I immediately set to work, AND...



...I head into Mania to find some amber Matrices. I know I should probably do what the psychotic god says, but I don't feel like it right now. Right now, I just want to EXPLORE!



Well resting at a heretic camp, I level up. Wow, my endurance stat is getting REALLY high! It won't be long before I have it maxed out!



I come across a town. Maybe, If I'm lucky, someone there will have someone they want me to kill!



...What?



...My reaction is still just "what?"



...Okay, if you say so...

I talk to the guy she told me to talk to.



What the hell are you guys talking about with the "doubles"? IT MAKES NO SENSE!




THANK YOU! Now that I know the problem, I can help solve it!

...What exactly do you want me to do, anyway?




Oh boy! An assassination mission! Assassinations are what I do best!

I agree to help solve your "problem".



I'll try not to. Hmm, I guess that means I should stay away from any Frenzy spells so as to avoid accidentally getting one of the demented killed.



Unfortunately, everyone is just standing in a cluster in the middle of the town. Despite the fact that they apparently hate each other. Weirdos.



I decide to wait until nightfall. That way, I can just break into each of their houses and kill them in their sleep.



1 down.



2 down.



3 down.



4 down.



5 down.

Well, that's everyone! Now, I just need to wait outside until daytime so I can talk to that guy and get my reward.



However, as I exit the house of my last target, I am ambushed by Knights of Order! Le Gasp!



THERE IS A FIGHT!



I go up a rank in heavy armor. Woohoo, huzzuh, and all that crap.



Anyway, the Knights of Order go down really easily. Wimps.

I wait until morning and talk to what's-his-face.



My reward is 600 gold. That's a decent price, I guess, but really, I think I looted more than that off their corpses.



And thus, Charlie Manhuge leaves yet another small town, which, like many other places Charlie has visited, has been made a better, less populated place.

I love the face she's making

CHARLIE MANHUGE:

Killing people so you dont have to.