AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Okay, I guess it is time to show you guys the dead drop!




I have to track down and murder an entire family, eh? Sounds simple enough.



Luckily, the family member I know the location of is located really close to Bruma, allowing me to easily fast travel close to it!

(I'll be fast traveling a lot more often from now on, because waiting for Martin while on Shadowmere is really irritating.)



Shadowmere doesn't seem to mind the cold temperature. That's a good thing.



Well, this seems to be the place.



That must be my target. I'd better see if I can get her to tell me the location of her children before I kill her.



I ask the old lady about her children.



...Gift list?



...I...

...What?




Aha! This list is just what I needed! Your children will all be dead by next week!

Er... I mean, they'll die of excitement. Metaphorically. Because they'll like their gifts so much.

(Phew, that was a close one)



Oh, I'll get them something special. Specifically, I'll get them their DOOM!

...Er... I mean...

...Okay, I can't think of a good explanation for that one, let's just pretend I never said it.

She then walks into her house. I tell Martin to wait outside, and then I follow her.



Well, I can easily sneak behind her in that chair, but I should probably do something about that dog first.



Now that the dog's taken care of, it is time to move on to the old lady!



I attack her, and she immediately runs away. She makes it outside before I can finish the job.

Crap, Martin is probably going to report the crime! Curse his high responsibility level! I AM SCREWED!



Oh, actually, it turns out she has calmed down and is no longer running in terror. I guess Martin manage to convince her that the apparent attempted murder was a misunderstanding or something. What a great sidekick!



She heads back inside and sits down again.



This time, I don't screw up.

Well, now that I've finished brutally murdering an old lady with my bare hands, I should probably check that gift list to find my next target! It's like being Santa Claus, except instead of bringing gifts I bring DEATH! And I'm in much better shape.

This would be an awesome Christmas episode if it weren't five days too late.



The first on the list is in the Imperial City. What fun!



I travel to the Imperial City. According to my quest log, he is in this place. I find him in the basement of the building.

I try to provoke him by telling him that he's a dead man.



Unfortunately, he doesn't attack. I try telling him that I'm a slave of Sithis.



Surprisingly, despite how "IT IS TIME TO FIGHT"-like his responses are, he REFUSES to attack.

I kind of have low health right now, for some reason, so I head outside to wait for a bit, then come back.

What I find is... odd.



...Yeah.

I really don't think there's much to say about this one.



His greeting is unusually fitting for this moment.



Anyway, I leave the building and he soon exits the building too. I decide to stealthily follow him until I can find a place to kill him without witnesses.



I follow him to the waterfront and- holy crap what is up with that horse that is not normal

I am also approached by a dark elf girl.



Despite the fact I have never seen her before and I don't think I've every met this "Gilen" that she speaks of, either, she really wants me to help him for reasons she refuses to elaborate on.

I decide to accept just to get her to go away.



Yeah, that's great. I'll keep it in mind if I have nothing to do, but right now I have a murder to commit.



Doesn't this guy EVER walk into dark alleyways or something?

Hey, wait, isn't that Armand Christoph right there? The guy who can get rid of my bounty?

...That gives me an idea.



I decide to simply attack my target in the middle of the street. Since Armand is right there, I can make my bounty from the murder disappear anyway!



Target 2 of 5: ELIMINATED



Well, that takes care of that!

I should be able to just yield to the attacking guards now.



Huh? But I paid my bounty!

It turns out that, as long as guards are attacking me, I won't be able to lower my bounty below 40 gold.

I decide to just pay the fine and be done with it. At least Armand made most of the bounty go away.



Anyway, I rob the evidence chest after they take me outside the prison. They really need to make these evidence chests less easy to steal from.



My next target runs an inn. The assassination shouldn't be a problem unless there is a guard in the inn or something.



I head to the inn and- Hey, wait, haven't I been here before?

Yeah, I remember now, this is the place where that guard helped me fight off that goblin, will-o-wisp, and bandit! It was a pretty convenient place. Too bad I won't be able to stay here anymore, on account of the innkeeper being dead.



Curses, there is a guard here.

I suppose I may as well try talking to the guy. Maybe I can get him to attack me or something. I decide to tell him I am going to kill him. That seems like it should get him angry.



Oh boy, sounds like I was right!



The innkeeper promptly attack me, and the guard springs into action. The innkeeper and the guard have a glorious fight to the death.



The guard wins, of course.

Target 3 of 5: ELIMINATED




Apparently, my next target lives in a cave filled with wild animals (most likely bears) and will attack anyone on sight.

...Well, at least I'm not likely to get a bounty from this.



I head over to the cave. I decide to bring Martin with me into the cave, since my target will probably be attacking me first anyway, and thus I don't have to worry about him witnessing a crime.




BEARS

I HATE THEM

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM



I find my target. She has apparently forgotten how to wear clothes, or something.

Anyway, she and her pet bear attack me. THERE IS A FIGHT.



Although the bear posed a slight challenge, she went down really easily.

Target 4 of 5: ELIMINATED



Turns out my next target is an Imperial Legion Officer

This will not be easy...



I journey to Leyawiin and find my target patrolling the streets.

I try to provoke her into by mentioning her dead mother.



...Okay, what was supposed to be a sinister threat instead ended up sounding like a pleasant conversation starter. I guess she hasn't heard the news that her mother was brutally murdered. By me.

I try to instead just go the direct route and tell her that I'm here to kill her.



OH BOY, SOUNDS LIKE THERE'S GOING TO BE A FIGHT!



She draws her sword, I raise my fists, and we battle to the death. Martin just stares and watches, torn between helping his teammate and obeying the law.



Target 5 of 5: ELIMINATED



There is one issue, though. My assassination wasn't exactly the most subtle thing in the world, and I am now wanted for murder and being attacked by every guard and citizen in the nearby area, including Martin. I can't say I blame him, though. He never read the dead drop, or witnessed any of my other murders today. As far as he knows, I just killed an innocent woman.

Anyway, I now have to deal with the people attacking me.
THERE IS ONLY ONE THING TO DO IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS!



Run awaaaaaay

Martin is showing too many signs of betraying you.

CHARLIE MANHUGE is my hero.

Oblivion is a very glitchy game.

Best episode yet.

Dammit! All this over a single murder! These people really overreact!



I have to try and fight them off! Either that, or run away.



Martin and I end up exchanging blows. I beat him to near unconsciousness, and he desperately slashes me with his sword.

It is at that moment that I can bodaciously feel what little friendship was left die, as if hanged in an execution of betrayal.



My foes prove too tough, and I am forced to retreat before I can even kill and/or knock out one of them.



Looks like I only have one choice now:

Run awaaaaay



It turns out there where some Imperial Legion members waiting outside the gate.

I really hate my life.



Dammit! Shadowmere isn't in this stable! She must be out near the city's other gate!



Argh! There's no time to go find her, I have to run!



I am chased as I run along the path, staying just ahead of deadly sword blows and dodging powerful spells tossed by Martin.



OH BOY A WILL-O-WISP BECAUSE THIS DAY WASN'T BAD ENOUGH!



Martin soon ends up lagging behind, however. I still have to flee from the guards, though.

They chase me all the way to Bravil.



Should I enter the city? No, too many guards! Where should I flee then... Ah! That island over there seems promising! Most guards seem to be unable to swim, and I should be able to take down what little that can!



I sure hope none of the guards are strong swimmers...



Curses! One of the guards is swimming after me!



Maybe he'll drown before I reach the island!

...Now that I'm getting closer, that island is starting to seem kind of strange...



Unfortunately, the guard catches up. I have no choice but engage in UNDERWATER FISTICUFFS!





THERE IS A GRAND OLD FIGHT



It takes a while, but soon my opponent floats dead in the water. Which is odd, considering how heavy that armor is.



I should probably hide out on the island so I can plan my next course of action. It has been a while since I've been on the run like this.



...That is an... odd structure...



OH CRAP, A GUARD!

Wait, he doesn't seem to be hostile. Maybe he hasn't heard the news that I'm wanted yet, or something. They probably don't get much news on this tiny island.



Suddenly, a clearly insane man comes out of the glowing doorway. He rambles on about "how horrible it is" and "killing us all" and other things I don't care about.



He then pulls out a dagger and attacks the guard, like the cliche' reckless crazy guy he is.



The guard obviously kills the psycho easily. The guard then walks over to me to...



...Talk?

...I guess I'm okay with this development. I do love not getting killed, after all.

'

A doorway that makes people crazy? You mean like revolving doors that don't move properly?

That was the most forced unfunny joke I've made thus far and I apologize.



I doubt that. If they were "perfectly normal", they wouldn't have swam all the way out to this random island and then entered the strange glowing doorway.

I tell him that I'm going to enter anyway. Hey, there are probably no guards in that place , right? Sure, it will probably drive me insane, but that's better than jail or having to pay a fine!



Good luck with that. Somehow, I think a psychopathic version of a man who already kills people with his fists will be that easy to "clean up".

I decide to talk to the nearby cat-lady.



...Well, okay, if you insist that I can't see you, I'm not gonna argue. It just isn't worth the effort.



As I enter, I hear a loud, booming voice inviting me in. It promises that it's really nice during the summer in there. Does Cyrodil even have seasons?

Anyway, I enter the door from which no man has returned sane. It seemed like a good idea at the time, okay?



...This...seems...orderly.

It definitely isn't what I was expecting.



...Okay, if you insist, surprisingly civilized man.



I take a seat like he asked. I seem to be surprisingly sane right now.

...Wait, that's exactly it! Everything seems too sane! What if I'm insane right now, and that's why everything seems orderly? What if I'm actually talking to that guard outside, and I'm sitting on the dead body of that other crazy guy rather than a chair? What if me worrying about becoming insane is what's going to make me insane!?

...Ah, what the hell, who cares, it's not like my madness affects anyone but me. As far as I know, anyway. If I don't know I'm insane, it's like not being insane, right?

Anyway, I go ahead and talk to the butler-like dude.



Actually, I'm here to escape guards, jail time, and fines. But I suppose that's close enough.



Sheogorath? Wait... isn't that... A DEADRIC PRINCE? Oh no, I can't handle more underwater bears, I JUST CAN'T!

...No, I must stay. Even underwater bears are better than the legal system.



That's interesting, I suppose. At least I have a place to hide from the law now, I guess.

I ask him what he wants with me.



A Mortal Champian? Well, I am the Arena Champion! I suppose I can fill that role!




...So, I must choose whether to stay or go then...

...hmmm...



I must take a moment to think about this...



I take a look at the portal back. What awaits me back there? Nothing but a traitor, a horse, a life on the run, and fines and jail time.

...I think I shall see what lies in this dimension.




The Gatekeeper? That name sounds rather... menacing. I think I'll be able to handle it, though. I usually am.



I really hope I do.

I really, really hope I do.



Haskill then leaves the room. The walls then explode into a fountain of butterflies.

It actually looks fairly impressive, despite the fact most of the game looks fairly mediocre.



THE BUTTERFLIES

THEY SWARM

SAVE ME



The butterflies soon leave, and I am left staring into a new dimension, completely unlike anything I have seen before.

...I sure hope I don't regret my decision.

Looks like this is gonna get good.

Never did the Shivering Isles expansion. Let's see how it turns out.

Fuck the main quest.
We got some Shivering Isles to do.

BUTTERFLIES

ZINK

WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE MUSHROOMS

Rename Questy "Turbo Questaphonic"

No, name it Queston.

BANANA wrote:No, name it Queston.

That is a good name and I am going to use it now.

Wow. This is all very, very unusual. One minute I'm sitting in a quiet room, and the next the walls turn into butterflies and I'm out here.



...Maybe I should stand up instead of sitting here for several hours, now that I think about it.



According to my quest log (who will now be called "Queston"), I must find a way through these so-called "gates of madness".



Hmm. It appears as though not even this dimension is free of monsters.

AT LEAST THEY AREN'T BEARS.



They die much more easily than bears, too.

...I think I like this realm.



Why are there so many fungi here, anyway? They seem to far outnumber the plants.



What's this? A town and people? Looks like I'm not the only mortal in this realm.



...I might be the only sane person, though.

I decide to ask about this gatekeeper I was told about.



Watch him in action? What do you mean by tha-



Suddenly, the man the guy I just talked to was talking to dashes off. I chase after him. He might answer some of my questions, after all.

He runs up some stairs to the top of a hill, and then stops.



...Holy shit.

Is THAT the Gatekeeper?



He appears to be fighting off a gang of adventurers.

He seems to be doing pretty well.



Apparently, this is big entertainment for some of the people here. I guess maybe it's the closest thing to the arena they have.



Looks like the gatekeeper managed to slaughter all of them except one. The surviving member (who appears to have been their leader) runs off, never to be seen again.

..So, I have to make it past that thing, huh? That sounds... difficult.



Hey, maybe it's actually a very friendly creature, and it just killed all those warriors in self-defense! I'll just walk right up to it, and it will probably just let me walk by! He'll probably be incredibly pop flyin' that someone looked beyond his hostile appearance and gave him a chance to show what a good person (well, monster) he can actually be!



Oh god this was stupid what the hell was I thinking this was a terrible stupid idea and I am stupid



Run awaaaaaaay

I manage to escape from that... that thing. I decide to talk to the guy I had followed up there in the first place and ask him about the Gatekeeper.



The mayor, huh? Sounds important except for that fact that it doesn't sound important because there are like 6 people here.

I ask the "mayor" about the gatekeeper.



YEAH, I KIND OF FIGURED THAT OUT ALREADY.



Hmmm... Maybe this Jayred Ice-Veins can help me kill that monster. I should probably seek him out.



First, though, I decide to sneak back up to the gatekeeper so I can try and loot all those corpses.



He sees me and sends me flying with only one arm. I quickly retreat.

Wow, that was stupid. Maybe I am going insane.



Well, I suppose I should explore the town now, and see if anyone knows any of that things weaknesses or whatever.



The innkeeper seems to be constantly sleeping while standing up. I take advantage of this fact in order to steal pretty much everything she has. I find a ton of alchemy ingredients I have never even seen before.

After I am finished stealing, I talk to the half-asleep lady at the counter.



She seems really awake whenever she talks, though. Weird.

I ask her about the gatekeeper.



Ah! Perhaps she holds the key to defeating the gatekeeper! I'd better go talk to her.



I head up to her room and- Oh god that is not a small amount of blood that is in fact a very large amount of blood which is not normal not normal at all

After I'm done staring at the blood, I talk to the creepy lady and ask her about the gatekeeper.



THE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS

ARE VERY DISTURBING



Oh is that so, eh? That gatekeeper can't kill me! I can just reload my save if he does! I bet he can't do that! I'm totally going to kill that monster!



Pff, yeah right, I'm not going to- wait, what?



"Nanette"? Hmm... Perhaps SHE hold the key to defeating the Gatekeeper!

By the way, remind me to kill that lady as soon as she stops being an essential npc (assuming she ever does).

I decide to go talk to Jayred Ice-Veins, who is, conveniently, right outside the inn!



...I don't even know how to respond to that one.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW.



...The entire realm is going to be full of people this crazy, isn't it?

...Maybe I should have thought a little harder about my decision.



Wut?

Anyway, enough of this talk of skin and bones. I must ask this man about the Gatekeeper!



It always amazes me how fast rumor seems to spread in Oblivion.




Now that I think about it, I don't think I've met a single person who didn't believe in bones.

Wait, how can you not believe in magic? Didn't you walk through a magical portal to get here? There are wizards all over the place in Oblivion! Hell, I could shoot lightning out of my hands and turn invisible right now!



I have never heard that before in my life, but I doubt it's worth arguing with this clearly mentally ill man.

Besides, it isn't like I have any better leads right now.




Yeah, sure, I guess. It's not like I really have any other choice.

I decide to talk to this "Nanette" girl before I go, though, who is conveniently right near Jayred.



Yeah, that's great, I care.

Look, I need you to tell me how to kill the gatekeeper, so please keep the pointless exposition to a minimum, okay?

I ask her about the Gatekeeper. All she responds with is a bunch of pointless blather about how awesome the creepy lady is, until she says this:



Looks like I have to play that stupid conversation minigame again. Argh.

I do so and ask her again.



Her tears are it's weakness? That sounds just cliche' enough to work!




Aha! Now I really know how to kill the gatekeeper! This is great!

I should still get those bones with Jayred, though, just to be on the safe side.



Aww, can't I kill things too? I like killing things!



He runs really, really fast! It's a bit ridiculous! Then again, he isn't wearing heavy armor, while I am.



Wow, he is really excited about this. Just look at the way he levitates in front of that gate!

I pick the lock and we head in.



We are attacked by a bunch of giant skeleton monster things. The skeletons of what, I have no idea.



Anyway, it is a bit of a tough fight, but we soon take them all down. This appears to be the corpse of that old gatekeeper.



Arrows? Ugh. That means I have to use a bow.

*sigh* I suppose I don't really have any other choice, though.



I should probably see him again near midnight, so I can take advantage of the creepy lady's tears at the same time to make the battle easier.

...That sounds really strange out of context.



Inside someone's home, I find some "madness ore". I'm not sure what it is, exactly, but I get the feeling I may need it, for some reason.



I also find some "amber", which I also get the feeling I might need. I'm sure the feeling has nothing to do with, say, special armor that I already know I can get due to a previous playthrough or anything. That would just be silly.



I take a nap until midnight and LEVEL UP! I'm now level 25! I do believe that means that all scaled gold, armor, and weapons will be at their max power when I receive them now!



I go get Jayred, and we stealthily follow the creepy lady up to the gatekeeper.



She talks to it for a little while. I think the gatekeeper actually sees me right now, but feels that talking with his "mother" is more important than murdering the nearby adventurer.



Anyway, she leaves and leaves a handkerchief with her tears on it on the ground near the gate keeper. I grab it and run awaaaaay.



I use the tears to "poison" one of the gatekeeper arrows. This makes the gatekeeper vulnerable!



Now that I can hurt him, I no longer have to use those pathetic "weapons"! It's time to do this my way!



Not so tough now, huh!? What's wrong, can't handle a match of fisticuffs with a puny adventurer!?



That's odd! From what I heard, you were supposed to be tough!



The gatekeeper now lies dead. I am victorious!



Wait, the keys are in his corpse?

Eww.

I dig through his dead body and find a key to "Mania" and a key to "Dementia"



Holy crap! Haskill! You came out of nowhere!



GO ON.



Is it really necessary for you to capitalize the pronouns when you refer to Sheogorath? It comes across as a bit pretentious.

I ask him about Dementia and Mania.



So, basically it is deep, dark, and spooky, huh? Sounds interesting.



Ooh! That sounds pleasant!



That's okay, I'm used to the entire world trying to kill me. You wouldn't believe how much nature wanted me dead back at my old dimension!

I decide to ask him about "New Sheoth"



The capital city? I'm guessing that's my destination, then. What fun.

I ask him about the gates of madness.



So, I have to choose, huh? I hate choosing...



Looks like I already have to make another choice. Hmmm...

Mania or Dementia...