AWKWARD ZOMBIE

No room for armour then

No wonder you're so fragile

I see no reason not to get started on my next contract right away!



We have couriers?



You mean that creepy guy who came to me in my sleep and spoke in nothing but stupid metaphors?

...I can't remember if I hated that guy or not.



A task for me, you say? Oh boy, I hope it involves not-bears! Those are my favorite kinds of missions, you know.




So apparently, this guy wants me to go to his secret base and fight my way through because he has a mission to give me.

WHAT FUN



At least the fort is really close. It will probably be a 2 minute walk at most.



Hell, I can even see the fort from right outside the city base! That place is probably plundered by adventurers three or four times a week! How on earth does he expect a place like that to be secret?

Anyway, Martin and I make the short walk over there and enter.



Skeletons!



In my opinion, skeletons only exist for one reason and one reason only:

To be punched!



Martin appears to have somehow lost his weapon. Now I guess he'll be forced to just use spells. I'm not sure if that makes him more useful or less.



We end up having to walk through a dart trap. I just walk through and take minimal damage, but when Martin starts walking through, he decides to stop and heal.

While standing in the middle of the trap!



As you might imagine, being bombarded with thousands of tiny darts causes Martin to collapse.

See that little blotch on the ground next to him.

THAT IS HIS BLOOD



Thankfully, due to Martin's status as an essential NPC, he is quickly back on his feet again!



And is then immediately taken out again by the dart trap he is still standing in the middle of.



It happens over and over and over.

It's actually pretty depressing to watch, but also hilarious at the same time.



I decide to leave Martin to his eternal cycle of passing out and getting bombarded by darts and go see Lucien. Although the guy is kind of weirdo, you have to admit that his robes are awesome.



I have no witty comment for this one. I only included the picture because it felt necessary to include the introduction to the conversation.



Why do you need to be all vague about the "situation"? It's like you get paid by how irritatingly mysterious you are or something!



Infilitrated!? Who could it be? I bet it's me! That sounds like the kind of thing I would do.



Oh man, that is definitely me! If this one thing I can do, it's taint beyond repair!



...daisies, I was so sure.

Okay, I have no idea who it is now.



Everyone? That sounds challenging, but I think I can do it. I should probably start with people no one will miss, like beggars and skooma addicts, and then work my way up from there. Of course, respawning people like guards will be tough to get rid of, but I don't think they really count as people, so I guess they get to live. Essential NPCs will pose a challenge, but I think I could just get them stuck in an infinite pwn cycle like the one Martin is in. They may not be dead, but it is as close as I can get.

Oh, wait, you said everyone inside the sanctuary. That's much less complicated than killing everyone ever!



That's okay, I never really liked any of them anywa-

...Wait, Teinaava? Crap, I still have to kill Scar-Tail for him! I'd better get that done before I murder them all.



You have no idea how much I will take advantage of this!



That sounds simple enough! I would probably be upset that I have to kill all these people that I have worked with for so long, but I never really talked to them anyway.



A unique scroll of summoning, you say?




...I get to summon the ghost of an old person?

...I guess it's better than nothing.



Conveniently, Lucien had a secret passageway out of the fort right next to him. I'll keep it in mind for when I have to return.



I should probably do that one assassination that Teinaava wanted me to do before I kill him. Who knows, maybe the reward is really good!

I fast travel to tidewater cave, since it is so close to my destination.



Thanks to the magic of fast-travel, Martin has been freed from his eternal torment, which I guess wasn't very eternal after all.



Right near the cave, I see an Imperial Legion Ranger fighting a troll. A really, REALLY big troll.



The Imperial Legion member dies easily, and it is up to me to kill the beast through fisticuffs.

It is not an easy fight.



Just look at my health and magic. That thing was tough! Where the hell was Martin, anyway?



Still standing by the cave? Martin, what is-

Wait, why are you rotating without moving at all? That seems kind of odd.



Your face and mouth aren't moving when you talk either...

Dammit, that dart trap broke Martin! Now how am I going to fix him? I'm not a doctor, or programmer, or however whatever you call people who fix things in this game!

I'm just going to try and solve this problem the only way I know how!



Martin, stop complaining, this beating is for your own good!



Hopefully, being beaten unconscious is just the thing Martin needed to start working again.



Your mouth and face is moving again! Hooray!




You still seem to be refusing to follow me, though.


Screw it, I'm just going to walk off without you. I'll deal with you later.



I find Scar-Tail near a tent and a fire. I go ahead and talk to him, because I like to talk to my victims.



Apparently I am not the first assassin to try and kill him. He recently killed a different one. He offers me treasure in exchange for his life. I really don't care whether Scar-Tail is dead or not, personally, so I decide to go for the treasure so I can have the greater reward.



Thanks. It better be better than whatever Teinaava was offering, though, or else I'm coming back!




Wait, you mean I can have both rewards?

AWESOME!



I get the heart from the dead guy and fast travel-it back to Cheydinhal.



Martin! You can move again! Fantastic!



I ended up with a small bounty from beating Martin unconscious, though. It's only 40 gold. Anyway, I pay fine, rob the evidence chest, you know the drill.

I head into the sanctuary.



Boots? Really? That's it?



Oh, magic boots! That's much better! Thanks!

It's almost a shame I have to kill you in the next update.

Shame on you! You should've assasinated the dude right after he told you where the treasure was!


I still insist that Charlie Manhuge is a wimp!

Then you have to eat the second heart.

So I booted up my copy of Oblivion, got Martin, and started killing bandits at their camps...

And now I'm really bored...

Idk what to do to make Oblivion fun since I've beaten it before :/

More updates please.

Seriously, this LP is the best thing on the forum right now

Aww, I've grown attached to these guys. It's a shame you have to kill them.

I am excited for the best fisticuffs fight ever coming up. Murdering is awesome.

Once again I'd rather the update not be the very last post on the page so I am posting here so that it isn't.

Well, now that I have my reward, I'd better get to murdering my colleagues!



Sleeping, eh? What an easy target!

...Then again, I should probably buy the spells he sells while I have the chance. I wake him up.



Yeah, that's great, let me buy your spells so I can ki- I mean, so I can get started on my mission.



Yes, I'm awesome, I know. Spells now, please.



Friggin finally.

I buy every single spell he has, even the useless ones.



After I stop talking to him, he immediately walks to a different bed and goes back to sleep.

OH BOY, TIME FOR THE MURDERIN'!



Unfortunately, it isn't a one hit kill.



THERE IS A FIGHT!

Which I easily win.



Uh-oh! Looks like the fight woke up Teinaava! And he sees the corpse! Crap, now he's probably going to-



...go sleep in the bed that the guy I just killed was just sleeping in?

...Okay then...

I decide to take advantage of his slumber to attack.



THERE IS A FIGHT!



Vicente walks into the room while we battle. He stares at the rat that was killed in the crossfire for a little while, and then glance at us.



He then decides to walk off. He is a very busy man, after all. He has more important things to do than deal with two members fighting to the death.



2 down, 5 to go!



He was using a really valuable short sword! This thing will sell for quite the pretty penny! I would definitely use it if I weren't horribly allergic to blades and everything they stand for.



Oh yeah, I forgot to look at the boots he gave me back when he was alive. They are pretty decent, I guess.



Apparently the important business Vicente had to attend to (you know, the business that was more important than me murdering Teinaava) was stare at a wall. Huh.



THERE IS A FIGHT!



He actually goes down really easily for a vampire with a magic sword.



Speaking of the magic sword, it is REALLY valuable! I'm getting rich off this mission!

Too bad I'll only be able to sell it for like, 1000 gold due to merchants having gold limits and being cheap jerks.



He also has a really valuable deadric longsword on him! THIS IS THE BEST MISSION IN THE WORLD!



I end up carrying so much loot that I am forced to use a potion of feather to carry it all. It doesn't help that I never sold the stuff I got off the skeleton's in Lucien's fort.



I take a short break from the murdering to go sell the stuff I found. This merchant refuses to pay anything more than 1000 for anything. What a rip-off.



BACK TO THE MURDERIN'!



I find Ocheeva sitting at a table. She gave me so many fun missions.

It's almost a shame I have to do this.



THERE IS A FIGHT!



For someone so important, she sure went down easily. She was perhaps my easiest kill out of the 4 members I've killed so far.

3 to go!



I find Ridiculously-Fancy-Name Marie training in the training room. She was pretty much the least important assassin here, so you probably don't even remember her.



She puts up a fight, though. Sure, it's the worst fight put up out of all of the members so far, but it is still technically a fight.



Each one of these guys is easier than the last!

Only two more!



I find the Orc guy sitting at a table in the room with the beds. He doesn't seem all that bothered about the nearby bodies of Teinaava, Vicente, and whatever the hell the lion guy was called.



I decide to steal everyone's stuff before I kill him, though. Everyone except Vicente and Ocheeva have a chest near their beds. Vicente and Ocheeva probably had stuff too, but I didn't bother searching their rooms.



Fancy-Name Marie has a bunch of food. For some reason.



Teinaava has some archery stuff, for some reason, despite the fact I don't think I've ever even seen him carry a bow.



The orc guy has pretty much exactly what you would expect him to have.



Telaendril (the High Elf, who I haven't killed yet) has some magic arrows and a ring that will DEFINITELY be useful for when I have to carry a bunch of stuff.

Like right now, for example.



The lion guy's chest contains maaaaaagic.



Well, time to murder the orc! Something tells me this won't be easy.



I hit him with a sneak attack. He gets up and takes his axe out, which takes a while. I keep punching him while he does. He starts to swing, but I manage to make him stumble before he does. He ends up stumbling several times in a row.



In the end, I manage to kill him without him being able to attack even once.

Well, that was disappointing.





Turns out his deadric armor is actually magic deadric armor! It's actually pretty good stuff, too! I'll definitely be using some of it!

I also take the axe that he never got a chance to swing?



"Transmogrify"? Shouldn't it be "Transmogrification" in that context?



I head back to that store to sell all the stuff I acquired. The merchant is still ripping me off, though. Why the hell does she need to be so cheap?



Feel the fury of my full deadric armor!

Okay, yeah, I already had everything except the gauntlets before, but now some of it is magic now!



I decide to mix and match a little to get the best equipment possible. This is what I end up with. Honestly, it would probably be better if I used that enchanted deadric cuiress instead of the apron, but I know you guys like the apron a lot, so I'll continue using it.



I head back into the sanctuary to take out my last target, Telaendril. I find her firing at a target in the training room.



THERE IS A (very small) FIGHT!



Following the pattern of each fight being easier than the last, she is, by far, the easiest to kill. She doesn't take more than a few punches.



...Why is she just randomly carrying deer meat around with her? How does that even make sense? She doesn't even have any alchemy supplies, so she can't use that as an excuse!



Well, that takes care of all of them! I'd better report back to Lucien now that I'm finished murdering the people who had come to trust me and see me as a friend.

Also, I think my armor looks kind of funny from behind.



I travel the very short distance necessary to get to Lucien's fort, and enter through the secret passageway.



While, I'm glad Sithis is appeased, I guess.

...Who exactly is Sithis, anyway?



...I'm not sure if I should be honored or terrified. Maybe both. Terhonerified.



Sounds interesting, I guess. Silencer is a really cool title. I like it.



That sounds like a pain in the booty. A big one.



Heh, my first assassination dead drop is on Hero Hill. That's some real irony there.



So basically what you are saying is "We will not speak again unless we do". In other words, nothing has changed.



A horse? Oh no... I... I can't! Last time I had a horse... it... it... died. It died... BECAUSE OF MEEEEEEEEE!!!

Wait, hold on, did you just say that it's a token of your trust and love?

OH GOD THE CREEPINESS I MUST WASH IT OFF



...So, that's my horse, huh? It kind of looks like a black horse that had salt thrown in its eyes so they turned red. Hmm... Maybe I should try riding it...

...No, I mustn't, not after what happened to Freddie Horsegiant.

... Okay, maybe one short ride!



YIPPEE!



YAHOO



THIS IS GOOD TIMES THIS IS GOOD TIMES INDEED!



I haven't felt like that since about a second before Freddie died! Okay, Shadowmare, you can be my horse! You seem like a sturdy horse, so you probably won't die like Freddie did! Plus, I'm pretty sure you considered an essential NPC anyway, so I don't think you even can die. I guess that means you are another sidekick of mine!

That makes... I think... three sidekicks? If you count the quest log, at least. I do. It's given me some good advice at times.

I think the four of us need some sort of awesome name for our group! LET'S COME UP WITH ONE, SHALL WE?

Oh boy a group name.

Something to do with Fisticuffs, certainly.

Wait... Where's Martin?

Charlie Manhuge now has double the amount of BFFs than he did before.

This is exciting.

The word transmogrify just reminds me of Calvin and Hobbes.

YESSSSSSSSSSS.

Shoolis wrote:The word transmogrify just reminds me of Calvin and Hobbes.

YESSSSSSSSSSS.

o/