AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Ah good, your doing the bonuses, I thought you were going to be silly and avoid all of those.

daisies YOU ZINK

SAYING ME TO THE SIREN'S CALL OF THIS GAME

daisies YOUUUUUUU

And now...

FOR REVENGE!



Well, actuallty, not quite yet. First, I'm going shopping!



I head into the mage's guild to buy some spells. I can't even USE most of the spells this guy sells!



Luckily, this guy has much more reasonable spells. I buy a few.



While selling some of my extra armor and weapons, I hear a rumor about some sort of painter that went missing here. I'll keep it in mind for when I have time.



I decide that, since I am going to be in Cheydinhal so often due to the Dark Brotherhood, I may as well buy a house here. I head to the count to do so.



This is the response I get when I ask the count if I can buy a house. Apparently he only sells houses to people he personally knows and likes. No wonder this town is so small.



Anyway, I do the stupid conversation minigame thing for a while until he decides he likes me enough to sell a house to me.

The house is 15,000 gold. I decide to take it, even though that is a steep price. That's about 3/4ths of all my gold!



I shall keep that in mind!



There's my house! It looks nice, doesn't it?





It is a bit... bare. At least I have a crappy bed.



I head over to the place where I can buy the furnishings. They are expensive! I am only able to buy a few.




They make the place at least a bit more home-like.

Okay, now that I am done with my errands, it is time for REVENGE! For reals this time!

I leave Cheydinhal and make my way to the Imperial City.



Did I mention that I have a spell that lets me walk on water?

Because I do and it is awesome



I make it to the sewer entrance I left all those days ago. I change out of my assassin gear and into my adventuring gear. I think my journey through the sewer will involve more combat than sneaking.



The sewer looks exactly the same as it did last time. Same enemies and everything. If you want more pictures of it, go back to the first update.



As I make it back to the main tunnel, I overhear some guards talking about how stupid it is that they have to guard this tunnel for no reason.

I TOO AGREE THAT IT IS STUPID THAT THEY HAVE TO GUARD THIS TUNNEL FOR NO REASON, ALTHOUGH I THINK I HAVE MORE REASON TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT DON'T YOU THINK.



This place really is swarming with guards! Luckily, I make it past all of them because I'm sneaky.



I make it back to my old cell.

NOSTALIGA.



I see my target talking to a guard. Apparently, he is going to get out soon. Unfortunately for him, I'm here, so that isn't going to happen.

I wait for the guard to leave and approach the cell.



I am lucky, aren't I? At least I was, until some stupid invisible wizard gave me a faulty counterspell! Remind me to kill him sometime later.

Oh, wait, you can't. Because you'll be dead.



So, I give him the hint I am an assassin and he freaks out. Luckily, there are no guards around to hear his cries. I then pick the lock to his cell and enter.



As I enter, his fear changes to rage.



THERE IS A FIGHT



But not much of one. He bodaciously goes down in one power attack. And that's at default difficulty.

Well, I suppose I have my revenge now. It isn't as satisfying as I remember. I don't even really remember why I wanted to kill him so badly. Wasn't it something about a wife I didn't have? Oh well. He's dead now, and that's all that matters. And I got paid to do it, too!



Luckily, I am able to directly exit the prison rather than go through the tunnels again. The guards find nothing at all suspicious about the man dressed like an assassin exiting a part of a prison that no one saw him enter.



Yeah, I know. I'm awesome, right?



That' sounds grea-

...Actually, no. That actually sounds kind of stupid. What does it do?



So it increases three very important attributes but decreases one useless one?

THIS IS MY KIND OF ARTIFACT!

And so, in closing, I got my revenge for something incredibly petty and got a very useful artifact. I think it was a good day.

Walking on water = fuck yes

Once I got my acrobatics so high I could jump off of water.

Without a spell.

Malum wrote:It diminishes your personality because it looks Gay.

You're an idiot.

No, you're just an idiot.

Do not kill the manservant Gromm

Manservant

This LP just got sexy

Well, anyway, now that my REVENGE is finished, I should get started on my next assignment!



"Stage" an assassination? That sounds interesting, I guess.



But killing people is the ENTIRE reason I joined the Dark Brotherhood! This sucks!




AND I have to use a blade! THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!



Anyway, I head over to Chorrol to begin my mission. You may be thinking "What Zink are you telling me that nothing interesting happened during that entire trip" and to that I would say "I used fast travel shut up"



I see Casta still hasn't put down that bow from all those times she tried to kill me! It seems she hasn't figured out how to put it away, though.



Anyway, I head over to- Wait, I recognize this house! This is the place I tried to rob all those weeks ago in Chorrol, only to discover the owner was so panicked he was going to let me take anything anyway! Wow, every Dark Brotherhood quest really is a blast from the past!



So, anyway, I head inside and talk to the man inside. He is much happier to see me this time. I am kind of surprised he doesn't recognize me.



And that is why you NEVER take cheddar from the mob! Haven't there been enough movies about these kinds of situations for people to understand this?



"Fake" your death? You do realize that you hired an assassin, right? I'm not exactly good at the "faking" part of your request.





It's a scheme so complicated, it HAS to work!



Ew ew ew I actually have to use one of these blades oh god it just feels so wrong I can't believe I have to do this



That is the only time I have ever slashed someone with a blade, or hit them with a weapon other than my fists.

It felt so WRONG



Anyway, I run away from Hides-His-Heart, but I also have to make sure he stays alive. Unfortunately, he is attacked by guards as I run away. Luckily, I am able to lead him out of the city before he is killed.



Wow, look at all those guards. It reminds me of when I used to have to flee and murder guards wherever I went. Good times.

Anyway, I wait 24 hours and head into the chapel.



It turns out that murdering people in the arena raised my fame enough for the gods to cure me. Huh.



I find what's-his=face in the undercroft and use the antidote on him.



That's nice. I care so much. When do I get to go back and get my reward?



...Okay, so?



You didn't think to mention that I would have to fight ZOMBIES before!? I already had to use a blade for you, why do you have to keep doing crap like this? I mean, I'm fine with punching zombies, but you could have told me earlier!



Okay, fine, whatever, I guess I have no choice.




DIE YOU ZOMBIE BASTARDS!



Anyway, the zombies turn out to be pushovers, and I am easily able to get this guy over to the Gray Mare.



As I enter Cheydinhal, I notice something I should have noticed a long time ago.

MARTIN

IS

GONE!

Crap! Maybe I accidentally told him to wait somewhere and never told him to follow me again? I hope I haven't made him angry! He was such a good sidekick and friend!




I stop by to get my reward before going to look for Martin. I get a promotion, a key, and a magical amulet!



Holy crap, that is a very good amulet and I love it.



But now I have to look for Martin! I think I told him to wait in that one house where I had to assassinate that guy in that extremely specific way, so I'll check there first.



daisies, the only person here is some dork I don't recognize! A dork he may be, but I sure as hell recognize Martin!



Martin! I'm sorry for whatever I did! Please come home!

NO MARTIN D:

Now you have to find him. Try Kvatch or that one place you were supposed to take him.

Martiiiin! Where are you!??

Maybe I told him to wait at my house because he kept getting in the way of the screenshots I was taking there, and I forgot to tell him to follow me again!




daisies, he's not here!

Where could he-

...!

I REMEMBER!



I just hope the passage isn't blocked or something!



I hate walking through these sewers, but this is for Martin, the best sidekick in the world!



There you are, Martin! I was so worried!

You see, when I had to sneak by all those guards back when I had to get my REVENGE, I told Martin to wait so he wouldn't blow my cover! It looks like he took the command to wait really seriously, and stayed there for over a day!



Unfortunately, it turns out that there are guards in the tunnel, still, so I have to go all the way back through the sew-

Hmm? Is that a treasure chest right there?



...Wow.

That is much better stuff than I expected.



Ah, yes! The deadly duo, reunited at last!

I'm not sure why that horse is there, though.



What?

You mean I'm fired?

Is this because I showed that I don't absolutely hate everyone by panicking about Martin? Don't worry, I can forget about him! Screw Martin, just let me keep my job!



Oh.

Phew.

Never mind.



He offers to make me a vampire. I decline, as it seems like quite a pain in the booty.

The offer stands if I ever decide to change my mind, though.

I head over to Ocheeva and ask for my next assignment.



You are asking me to kill someone for cheddar. Of course I'm interested!




But, apparently I have to find out how to find him myself. That's cool though. I get to be like Sherlock Holmes! Well, if Sherlock Holmes was a murderer who killed for no other reason than for cheddar, that is.



No, and I don't care. But I suppose you will tell me anyway, right?



...You are assassins. Couldn't you just, you know, kill him? It's kind of what you do for a living.



She wants me to kill my target discreetly so that the guard guy won't notice anything.

That's cool, I was probably going to do that anyway.



Before I leave, I read a book that causes my hand-to-hand level to go up, which causes my hand-to-hand rank to go up.



On the way to the Imperial City, I encounter a doomstone. These are magic stones that permanently give me greater powers, which are normally very useful! However, they only work at night, so I just wait in front of it until nightfall.



HUZZUH!



I also encounter mudcrabs.



Lots of them.

They all die in one punch, though.



I arrive in the Waterfront. I think Martin is swimming behind me, but he can't walk on water, so he is kind of lagging behind.



I wait until daybreak so that there are actually people awake that I can get information about the target from.



The Tiber Septim, eh? Thanks for the tip!



I find the place. It looks like every other building in the Imperial City. But, so do the rest of the buildings in the Imperial City, so it isn't that big a deal.



This is a game that is constantly looking for excuses to get me to do that stupid conversation minigame.






After the dumb minigame, the innkeeper tells me more about the target. Apparently, he isn't here often, but does show up occasionally. This isn't exactly the best place for a discreet murder, so head upstairs to talk to his girlfriend or whatever.



I think this game gets paid by how many times I have to do that dumb minigame.



It's amazing how easily people start to trust me just from 30 or so seconds of stupid poorly-designed crap.



Yes, yes, that's all very nice. I just need to know if he goes anyplace without witnesse- I mean, people. Like, for example, dark allyways, or maybe outside of town?




An adbandoned house? Perfect! Just what I needed!



Don't worry, Faelian will soon have had his last bottle of skooma.

...I'll make sure of it...



This appears to be the place. Much like the Tiper Septim, it looks the same as every other place in town.



I head inside, but he isn't there. I simply wait until he arrives.



I tell him I want his soul, simply because that sounds like the kind of thing a badass assassin would say.



Well, he's crazy, let's get this over with.



I tell Martin to wait in the basement, because, although he is my sidekick, he does count as a witness if he sees me commit a crime. Anyway, I easily kill him, take what little gold he has on him, tell Martin to follow me again, and head back to Cheydinhal.



This boar is the most dangerous thing I encounter on the way back. What happened to all those times where I would have to fight 3 bears, 2 Spriggons, a Land Dreugh, and a minotuar just to walk down the street? It's like the game has given up or something.



After I arrive at the Dark Brotherhood sancuary, I take a brief nap and level up yet again. I'm not even sure if this is a good thing anymore.



Yeah, I know. I am good.



...Aren't you going to tell me what the bonus is? That seems like it should be necessary.



My bonus is an enchanted bow that would probably be really useful if I used weapons at all. At least it will sell for something.



I do not ask for another assignment. You see, tomorrow is Christmas, and to celebrate, Martin and I are going to have a best friends day where we will enjoy ourselves and have all sorts of good times!

WON'T THAT BE FUN?

Sound terrific!

Vicente's face gets smaller every time I look at it.