AWKWARD ZOMBIE

You're very welcome. C:

And so, Martin and I begin our long journey back to the Imperial City!



We come across a small boar! It would be adorable if it weren't trying to kill me like every single other animal in the world. Why does nature hate me so much?



Oh, hey, I remember you! You were that bandit that was chasing me with that bear and minotaur, and then that other bear came and killed you and then chased me too! Good times, good times...

I HATE YOU SO MUCH AND I AM GLAD YOU ARE DEAD



A little more down the road we see a bandit fighting a minotaur lord. He is not winning.



You really have to admire his morale, though. Look at the way he attacks that enormous beast with that tiny dagger! He's stupid and probably going to die, yeah, but still, it will be a glorious and courageous death!



Obviously, he gets killed. His friend soon steps out of the camp to avenge him, but the minotaur lord is not a weak foe.



Soon he too is dead and it is up to Martin and I to slay the foul beast!

Also, I think I may be able to see that minotaurs penis and I hope that is not what I am actually seeing because it is very disturbing and it will give me nightmares and it is unpleasant.



We stumble across some sort of farm. How interesting! And, by that, I mean, "How free-food-eresting"



I step inside the farmhouse. It looks empty and pointless, but my quest journal seems to want be to investigate. Geeze, when I'm not being pestered by annoying citizens, even my quest journal tries to get me to go on useless errands.



I find this strange note in a bowl on the table. I personally think it is nonsense, but my quest journal seems to think that it means I should investigate a nearby cave.



Even though I'd rather not, I decide I may as well see what's in the ca- Oh god what the hell is that thing it looks like a praying mantis ate a centaur and then pooped it out but also merged with it at the same time and that that centaur-mantis hybrid had babies with a giant enemy crab and this is what came out!



Oh no there is two of them that is exactly two more than I would like present at the moment thank you very much.

Actually, they are not quite as tough as you would expect. I mean, they aren't easy, but they still aren't as tough as a big ol' brown bear.

I HATE BEARS

SO MUCH.



Well, since I fought off those things outside the cave, I may as well go in and see what my quest journal wants me to do.



I head into the cave. It is a generic looking cave that is filled with rats, bears, and whatever the hell those things outside were.

DID I MENTION I HATE BEARS BECAUSE I REALLY DO.



I find another page of nonsense. Luckily, my quest journal is able to translate.

Geeze, this quest journal is like a second sidekick!



Those weird things I fought outside (which are apparently called "land dreughs") look really funny when dead.



I find some taproot of a dead spriggon, which allows me to make another luck potion. I am REALLY close to getting to my original luck, guys!



I find that guy the quest journal wanted me to find. He is dead, or, to say it politically correctly, "livingly disabled"



Apparently, he had journeyed into this cave to bring an offering to "the sunken one". The Sunken One was something he supposedly thought was a guard, and responsible for what happened in Kvatch.

What a crazy weirdo.



Suddenly, I am attacked by a storm atronarch! It seems tough. Like, REALLY tough. I know storm atronarches are supposed to be the toughest ones, but this one seems tougher than usual!

Then, I notice the creatures name is not "storm atronarch" but instead it is referred to as "The Sunken One".


SHIIIIIIII-



This alleged god moves fast, hits hard, and can take a punch. It is not an easy fight. Martin ran off to go stab an elemental or something, so I am forced to fight his thing alone.



Luckily, I am eventually able to prevail over the beast/god/rock/whatever. It is now nothing more than a pile of rocks, never to be seen again.



I take the dead guy's offering to the now dead alleged-god. It isn't much, and nowhere near the effort required to get down here.



Stupid quest journal, making me go do a worthless quest that is worthless... It's kind of sad I can't even trust my own journal to not give me stupid pointless errands to run!



I make myself feel better by going back to the dead guy's farm and stealing every single crop he had growing. I then make them all into restore fatigue potions to get my alchemy skill up a bit.



GOD

daisies

FRIGGIN

BEARS



I level up again. At least this time I get a nice bonus to intelligence. I feel smarter already!



My constant spell-spam-training leads to me advancing a rank in Mysticism, allowing me to use many more spells! Yes!

I arrive at Skingrad. I see the stable worker I tried to kill earlier. I decide to talk to him.



Looks like he's in denial, and can't handle the fact that his boss is dead and has been for a few days now. Poor guy.



My stop in Skingrad is short. I simply buy some repair hammers and have my enchanted armor repaired, and then I return to my journey.



My constant spell spamming leads to a conjuration advancement! Now I can summon scamps and stuff!



What you can't see in this picture is that this highwayman is wearing glass grieves and boots. Glass is one of the best kinds of light armor in the game.



It looks pretty good on me.



If you were wondering why Martin was in the last picture, it was because he fell behind somehow. I use the wait command for an hour, and he returns.



We begin to near the Imperial City. It's about time!



Dammit, Martin! I had almost finished sneaking past those things! Why'd you have to go and attack them?

For those that don't understand, those are Will o' Wisps. They do a lot of damage and regenerate health, so they are a huge pain to take down. I decide to just run away and leave Martin to get his booty kicked.



While fleeing, I encounter a troll. With my level, though, I am able to kill it in only a few punches.



Pff, and ogre? I can handle one of these!



Oh crap one of the will o' wisps caught up.

Run awaaaaay



A nice little detail I noticed here is that the sign pointing to Kvatch has a claw mark on it, foreshadowing the destruction that happened there. By the way, that red glow is a will o' wisp casting a spell on me, so I hope you understand the risk I took to get this picture.



Ah, yes, the Imperial City! Finally!



Oh boy! I'm glad to be back here again. Now, my first order of business is...

...The Arena!

Oh God Land Dreughs what the fuck are those what the fuck

oh god i hate will o' wisps too

Will'o'wisps!!!

Zink wrote:Oh god what the hell is that thing it looks like a praying mantis ate a centaur and then pooped it out but also merged with it at the same time and that that centaur-mantis hybrid had babies with a giant enemy crab and this is what came out!

Is it Torizo?




I kid, I kid.

Ah, those were the days.

Bacon wrote:Oh God Land Dreughs what the fuck are those what the fuck

better than the sea dreughs in Morrowind
just as freaky, but they surround you out of nowhere underwater

Martin and I arrive at the arena. Before I fight the day away, I have to give that journal I found to the Gray Prince.




Turns out the training that was my reward was just him telling me to "step", "strike", and "parry". BECAUSE I TOTALLY DID NOT KNOW HOW TO DO THAT BEFORE.




The news that his father was a vampire really gets to him. I really don't see why. Being the son of a vampire usually means all of the advantages with none of the weaknesses!



Anyway, while the Gray Prince gets scarred for life, I have to go kill some people for other's entertainment. An advancement match, eh? It should be really easy then.



Unfortunately, Martin can't come with me. Oh well, at least I get more of the fame this way.



It was as easy as all advancement matches are.



I can think of plenty of things scarier than an orc with an axe. LIKE BEARS.

I HATE BEARS SO MUCH YOU CAN NOT BELIEVE HOW MUCH I HATE BEARS IF ALL BEARS WERE TO DIE RIGHT NOW I WOULD SAY OH GOOD I AM GLAD THEY ARE DEAD BECAUSE I HATE BEARS A LOT



I decide to talk the other blue team member in the bloodworks. For once. I really disagree with him, though. I would LOVE to go up against me! I wonder which me would win? I bet it would be me.



My next match was so boring I am only going to show you a picture of my opponent's corpse



While spamming spells, as usual, my alteration rank goes up! Huzzuh!



I decide to talk to the yellow team champion, for once. Unlike the blue team gladiator, she is a booty.

I cannot wait to kill her.



...Pieces? I beat her to death with my fists! Maybe her bones will be in pieces, but that's really it.



A sorceress, eh? I'd better be ready to dodge some spells, then!



... Most sorceresses don't immediately charge in with a longsword.



Here lies the worst sorceress in the world. She never realized that hitting people with a sword was not magic.



Oh, good, an advancement match. I like a good easy match once in a while.



Oh wow I actually almost had to maybe put a bit of effort into that fight how impressive.



RANK UP!



Blue Gladiator is still oddly nice for someone who kills people for a living



And Yellow Champian is still a dick.

LET'S MOVE ON.



...How is that even close to fair? Does the world want me dead or something? I've suspected that for a while now.



Three prisoners? Sounds like serious business. Can Martin come with me? Please?



Unfortunately, Martin is not allowed to help me out. It's a shame, because this fight IS ONE OF THE HARDEST FIGHTS EVER.

Two of the prisoners are unarmed, and one has a sword. I decide to go for that one first.



One down, two to go.



Although unarmed, they are still a challenge. I lost a lot of health getting swarmed by all three of these guys when taking the first one out, so I ended wasting a good amount of potions, too.



I manage to take the female one down.



And the male falls shortly after.

I am really glad that's over.

Anyway, the next few matches are kind of uninteresting, so here's a montage of corpses!




Okay, so actually there's only two before it gets interesting again, so it isn't much of a montage. Oh well.



Another rank up! It won't be long before I have to fight the Yellow Champian! I can't wait!



Don't worry, just rest assured that you'll never have to face my fists of death in the arena and get beaten to death! That happens to a surprising amount of people, but luckily for them, it only happens to them once each.



It's kind of funny: By saying she'll make me beg for death, she is sort of implying that she won't kill me. Since someone has to die in an arena match, she must be the one who dies in this hypothetical arena match! Looks like even she admits she's not so tough after all, huh.



A blade? Yeah, I've met a few. I seem to remember them failing miserably at their job and getting killed by red power rangers that I could easily defeat with my fists. They really aren't that tough.



If there's one thing blades are good at, it's dying.



The next match is really easy, and isn't worth anything more than this one picture.



DAMMIT! Another match with three against one!?



Oh, so the champian of the yellow team isn't able to fight me, who she has repeatedly taunted, without having two people backing her up?

That's kind of sad.



A boar? I would have preferred like a... lion or maybe a... fish? A giant fish that eats people? I don't know, but you really could have done better than boar!



Well, this is my teammate for today. He is a good pig. I kind of like him!



Porkchop and I charge into the arena, ready to fight to the death for fame and glory! Actually, Porkchop is probaby just doing it for treats or something. Animals are weird like that.



I decide to concentrate on first taking out the champion. I am really going to enjoy this...



REVENGE
IS
SWEET



Looks like Porkchop managed to take out one of my other opponents. I still have to deal with the other one tho-



Oh, wait, Porkchop just killed that one too. Nevermind. That is quite a badass pig!



It turns out I seriously managed to kill every single person on the yellow team. That's kind of an impressive feat. Of course, the main reason they will have trouble recovering is because of what a hard time they will have recruiting. "We are glad you want to join the Yellow Team! That means you have to fight against the blue team! Hah, it's funny, their champian actually managed to kill every single last person on our team a little while ago, haha- Hey, wait, where are you going?"



I am now the Blue Team Champion! Huzzuh!

Of course, I still have to kill the Gray Prince to become the Grand Champion...



Well, the arena is closed now, so I can't do it yet, but tomorrow it is time for...

THE GRAND CHAMPION MATCH!

Look at her damaged shield. Totally crushed.

Hahaha.

Red Power Rangers are serious business.

Dude. Porkchop got more kills than you in that last match.

Without any sort of weapon or armour.

Dude. You suck!

Tusks are not weapons?

Thick hide is not armour?

Decker wrote:Tusks are not weapons?

Thick hide is not armour?

No. Why the hell would a person's teeth and skin count as weapons and armour? Man, I'd hate to see what you'd be like during war-time!

Both of Porkchops kills were unarmed and unarmored.

Manhuge was fighting someone with a sword, and presumably the leader of the three, hence the strongest.