AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Wait wait
You're full
Of ter-

mites

Termites are STDs.

Okay... so, all I have to do is go to hell, fight my through an army of demons, and close this Oblivion gate. That's... that's not too bad... right?



What? They CAN just walk around! Why am I even going to do this!? Argh!

Oh well. Maybe they just don't like walking around things or something. Perhaps they are allergic.



Well, here goes nothing. *gulp*



So, this is hell/oblivion/whatever?

It looks rather cliche'.



I see a guard fighting some demons. I help him fight them off.



Did you really expect anything different? This is one of those dimensions where EVERYTHING is trying to kill you! It's like being in a platformer for the NES!



Must I? I'm already kind of trying to shut this gate, and that sounds like enough work. I guess I might save him if he's somewhere on the way, I guess. Personally, I think I would like to be in hell for as short a time as possible.



I tell him to join me. It's time to lay siege. Lay seige...

To hell!



I'm guessing my destination is one of those great towers. They're probably increidbly well-guarded, and filled with demons from top to bottom.

*sigh*



I try to cross that big ol' bridge you can see in the first screenshot I took in Oblivion (the place, not the game), but the gates are locked. I can see through a gap in the middle of the gates, though. Holy crap, he wasn't kidding when he said they were slaughtered.



Suddenly, when looking in my inventory, I notice that the claw from that raptor-like creature the guard was fighting earlier has a "cure disease" affect! That means I can finally make a cure disease potion! YES!



Look! No more disease! I'm cuuuuuurrrrrreeeeed!



Oblivion sure has a lot of lava. I'm surprised the air doesn't burn me to death.



Here we see a perfect example of why you should always stay at least 10 feet away from any pool of lava at all times.



Despite having terrible AI, the guard is a pretty good ally. He makes a good distraction when we are attacked by giant crocodile monsters.



Suddenly, despite the fact an enemy is nowhere to be seen, he draws his sword and charges off. I chase after him.



After a disturbingly long chase, he finally reaches the enemy he somehow detected and attacks it. We manage to defeat it.

But he isn't finished yet.



He charges yet further into Oblivion. I think maybe all the heat and disturbing dead bodies hanging from ropes finally got to him, and he's gone insane or suicidal. Maybe insanicidal.



HE JUST KEEPS GOING!



He runs right by a deadroth (the crododile thing) in order to attack one of those raptor thingies just below that hill right there.




Of course, the deadroth decides to attack me, instead. That deadroth that is coming around the corner first follows the guard, but soon turns around and attacks me, also.



THEN, some sort of demon-archer guy shows up. Meaning, I have to fight the demon-archer guy and two deadroths at the same time. And then yet another deadroth shows up.

IT IS NOT EASY.



After I'm done beating all those demons to death with my bare hands, I decide to go ask the guard what the hell he was thinking.



I see him standing, sword and shield at ready. I say some stuff to him, but he doesn't respond. I notice that I have the option to search his body. Apparently, he died and his corpse is standing!

I take back everythign I said about the guy. That is really badass.



I decide to take his armor, though. Just in case.



While I'm repairing my armor, my armorer rank goes up. Unfortuantely, I still can't repair enchanted items, which sucks.



I finally make it to the tower.

It is very tall and threatening looking.

I'm scared



There seems to be some sort of beam of energy going through the middle of the tower. Chances are, it is what powers the thing that is keeping the gate open. That is how these things always work.



I creep up the tiny hallways, keeping an eye out for any demons that may attack.



I encounter some sort of demon-mage guy. Apparently these humanoid demons are called "dremoras". I encounter many of them throughout my tower infiltration.



They really put the extra effort in to make these halls look as unwelcoming as possible.



I'm just posting this picture because I want to point out how badass it is that charlie is able to punch these things to death. Think about it.



I find a door, but it's locked. I decide to take another nearby door instead. This one leads outside, onto a tiny bridge.



There is a pretty nice view from up here. You know, if you like blood, death, and fire and all those other things. I know I do.

The bridge leads to a tiny tower, which I enter.



This is what I am greeted with. Ew.



I come across another dremora, and a man in a cage. The man in the cage yells that this dremora has the key I need. He yells this over. And over. And over.

AND OVER.



I punc the dremora a few times, and he hits me a few times, but then he just falls into that pit of spikes down there and dies.

It is fairly anti-climactic.



The prisoner tells me to get the key, close the gate, and leave him behind. I am okay with all of these.



I end up having to climb down to get the key off the dremora's body, though. Luckily, he fell on a lift that I could activate to bring to my position.



I open the key and head into the center part of the tower again. I find a teleporter type thingy, which I activate. I'm not sure why they didn't just put this thing at the bottom of the daisies tower.



I think I am beginning to near the top.



For some reason, this passageway reminds me of old FPS's with crappy graphics. I am not sure why.



Apparently, the "sigil stone" I am supposed to find to close the gate is up there.




There are a few dremora in the room, but I mange to take them out fairly easily. If summons didn't disappear after you kill their master, though, that frost atronach might have gotten me.



So, that's the stone. Now I just have to take it and-



Woah, fire. Cool.



Wow, more fire. I'm starting to get a little nervous, actually.



OH MY GOD EVERYTHING IS EXPLODING THIS IS TOO MUCH FIRE TOO MUCH FIRE INDEED AHHHHHHH



Thankfully, I am somehow teleported out of the Oblivion gate just before it crumbles. Huzzuh! I, Charlie Manhuge, have just finished walking into hell and punching demons to death! I think now I am officially better than all of you. That's right, every single one of you.



There's ugly and the dumb one, still hiding behind their barracades. Pff, wimps.



Yeah, I am pretty co- wait, counterattack?



You mean we aren't finished yet!? I just finished breaking into hell itself and you want me to just go back and fight MORE demons!?



I tell them I'm ready, even though I'm not.



They charge into the city, even though I don't follow them. I'll follow them eventually, but first I am going to buy some stuff from the survivors. I really need some more repair hammer. They'll probably die without me, but I really don't care. At all.

Tenderised Demon.

Mmm-mm--- Oh wait, my signature can do it for me.

They taste like it too.

Insanicidal would be a good metal band name.

I swear once I get Flash and my Scanner back I am making a picture of Charlie Manhuge fighting the demons.

For now just keep being awesome.

Look at the way they dash into the gate, thinking they are going to be assisted by the mighty warrior who slew dozens of demons by punching them to death. It's almost adorable.

I'm going to feel kind of bad when they die.



However, right now I have other things to do than worry about the safety of some pathetic guards!



I buy a few repair hammers from this lady and have her repair my stuff, which, by the way, she completely overcharges for! Remind me to kill her on the way out.



Okay, now I'm ready to go into Kvatch. I wonder how many pieces those two guys are in right now.



Oh, it turns out they were just standing right inside the gate waiting for me to show up.

Suckers.

Anyway, THERE IS A FIGHT!


I am somehow able to punch these things despite the fact they are made out of fire.



I also encounter some demons that look like a half-woman half-spider thingy. They summon smaller woman-spider thingies and they paralyze you and cast spells.

They actually end up missing a lot of there spells, and they even finish off some of the other demons, but I didn't have the reflexes to get a screenshot of any of those occasions. Sorry.



Victory is mine!



Unfortuantely, the non-essential guard was killed in the fight.

He will always be remembered. And by that, I mean that he will be immediately forgotten and no one will care he is dead.



So, that's the chapel, eh? I head inside and talk to Martin.




I tell him that he is the heir to the throne. He doesn't believe at first.



After some more boring, pointless dialouge and mediocore voice-acting, he finally believes me.



He refuses to come with me until I bring help, even though I DID bring help!

At least, I think I did.



It turns out the guard captain guy refuses to follow me unless all enemies are dead. I find the remaining demon hiding in a corner and finish it off.



And NOW Martin decides to come with me!

He's actually not supposed to be following me for this particular quest, but I figure I'll need all the help I can get when taking out those enormous hordes of Deadra.



Okay, to the castle then.

... I can't think of anything to write here other than restating what the NPC said.

Anyway, we fight our way through some more hordes of deadra only to find that the gate is locked.




Apparently, I need to use some sort of underground passageway to open the castle gates. Looks like it's back to the chapel with me!



Okay, sure, you can come! I can always use another meatshield!



As I enter the chapel, some Imperial Legion soldiers offer to assist me. It seems like just yesterday my response to these guys would be to run like hell.



HOLY SHIT! They were hiding out in a building with THIS many daedra in its basement!? How the hell are they still alive?



Despite the size of this thing's fists, I am still able to beat it in a boxing match. BECAUSE I AM JUST THAT COOL! (pun not intended)



We lost an Imperial Soldier in the fight. I'd say it was a shame except that would be kind hypocritical of me considering how many guards I've murdered.



I take a brief nap and level up. Woo!



We leave the chapel and- oh god that is not a small number of giant crocodile things not a small number at all.



Look at how many there are.

And this image doesn't even show all of them.





Everyone is killed in the battle except for Martin and I, and even Martin is only saved by the fact he is an essential NPC and thus can only be knocked out.



We manage to make it to the underground passageway.



It's in about as good a state as the rest of the city.



We make it between two of the castle gates. That is a LOT of daedra back there! Looks like we are in for a big fight!



Look at the way all my allies charge in despite being outnumbered and outmatched. What intelligent fellows!



Oh god so many high level daedra they are everywhere someone save me hold me I'm scared.



We somehow manage to win the fight. Once again, everyone is dead except the essential NPCS (the guard captain and Martin) and I.



Well, I guess I have to rescue the count or something now. You know, if the courtyard is THIS infested with demons, I doubt he managed to be in that castle and still alive.



The castle is also full of demons! What fun!



They still don't even stand a chance, though.



Wait, why do I have to go in by myself!? It's not like you have anything to do back here!

Argh. Why does everyone want me to do EVERYTHING!? Other than the fact I am the only one capable of doing anything, as evidence by the fact I am the only one alive that isn't physically incapable of dying, I mean.



As you might expect, there are more deadra! At least I still have Martin with me.



I take a short nap on one of the beds in the sleeping quarters and LEVEL UP!



Obviously, the count is dead. I take the specail ring he has on for some reason, and then leave his body for other people to deal with it. I also take all his other valuable possessions.



Apparently that ring is important or something. I don't know, I wasn't really listening. If he wanted me to listen, then MAYBE he should have helped instead of just standing here and doing nothing!



He makes up for it by giving me his enchanted armor! It doesn't have a very high defense rating, but it is enchanted to boost my strength and endurance! I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure the defense boost makes up for the lack of armor rating.



Well, I'm glad that's over with. Singlehandedly fighting off an army of demons is tough work!

Well, I guess I'd better finish my journey to Anvil now that this minor distraction is over.

I don't remember doing ANY of that.

I just went back to Jauffre.. Nobody said anything about going further

Maybe it's because I did the gate when I was level 1?

Decker wrote:I don't remember doing ANY of that.

I just went back to Jauffre.. Nobody said anything about going further

Maybe it's because I did the gate when I was level 1?

It's technically an optional quest.

I want to be just like Charlie Manhuge when I grow up.

Good luck finding guards

This image reminds me of a certain part near the end of Dragon Age...

It looks like Martin killed them all by himself despite carrying nothing except a robe...

Martin's actually relatively badass. He has a shortsword and uses lots of magic.

Plus the whole "Unable to Die" thing.