AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Enough of these house shenanigans. I have some riots to cause and daggers to loot.

Also I took off that hood because it looked stupid.



Whelp, here's the Arcane University. Time to start one hell of a riot.

...Hey, wait, that guy on the right there isn't a mage! What's he doing here?

Oh well. It matters not.




LET THE RACE BEGIN!



Long story short there is a huge riot, a lot of people die, and many expensive daggers are acquired.

I took a bunch of screenshots but then I remembered that I did this same exact thing like three times before and you don't need to see it again.



After all expensive daggers are sold (which got me around 16000 gold. Nowhere near what I used to have, but still pretty good) I head in to the arch-mage's tower to get my next mission.



One of the mage's immediately greets Guilbert despite the fact he very clearly took part in the enormous brawl that ended with the deaths for at least 12 mage's guild members.

Mages are weird people.



Yes.

Yes I have.



He then spends like twenty minutes apologizing for not being able to tell me that the count was a vampire beforehand.

It is almost ridiculous how much he goes on and on.



Wait, scratch that, it isn't almost ridiculous, it is ridiculous!



You have no idea how much text I am not showing you right now

This man goes on and on about what could easily be said in a few sentences.

Talking to him is like attending a redundancy convention. SEVERAL TIMES IN A ROW.



My riot-starting, however, clearly has gone unnoticed.

But honestly I'm okay with that.



An amulet?



Oh look the amulet is complete shit

What a surprise




Apparently I will be exploring ruins for my next mission.



Pfff yeah right. I've never once had a break. Ever. Everything I have ever seen, heard of, or eaten has at some point tried to kill me.

If fate exists, it wants me dead. Seems to be doing a pretty bad job at it, though.



Irlav tells me to go to the ruins without him because he is a lazy asshole who is allergic to work and effort.

I make my way to the ruins and-



What

What

WHAT

Is that another Oblivion gate? Seriously!?

My god, these things are everywhere!



I've got no time to raid hell right now! I've got to run!


...This problem just keeps getting worse. The forces of hell are everywhere.

...Maybe... maybe I should consider taking Martin to where he needs to go sometime soon. This... this problem seems to be far more immediate than I originally anticipated.



As the sky turns red and legions of demons begin chasing after me, I find the entrance to the ruins.

It looks a lot like a regular cave on the outside.



...And on the inside.

Huh.



It ends up getting far more ruined in appearance as I make my way inside, however.

That Argonian must be the person the lazy mage guy wanted me to talk to.



Well, he did send the only competent person in Cyrodiil. That's gotta count for something.



Apparently she wants me to investigate some sort of magical pillar or something.

I am only pretending to listen so I really didn't get what she was saying.

I start to descend deeper into the ruins and- SIJFAIOSOIJFASDO WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT




Goddamn demon snuck up on me! I'd be dead if it weren't for the Punch Misers!


...Geez, the forces of hell really are after me. They're even sending assassins.

I guess maybe they are still rustled about that whole "Kvatch" thing.

...I'm not sure how much longer I can ignore this hell problem...



Anyway, I find the pillar and some random guy I don't know.

I talk to him.




I like the way he talks as if he has a whole team of people working for him when there is actually a grand total of two people on the team. Not counting the Punch Misers and I, of course.



Sure they do. And I'm sure there is some really obvious trick to deciphering them and solving the puzzle. And I'm the only one who isn't too much of an idiot to notice.

This sort of thing happens all the time.



Okay



Wow that was easy.




Neat.



Okay so here's how this puzzle works.

There are four alter thingys surrounding the pillar. Each one has some text in a stupid language that I don't know.



The guy who I gave the book two is able to translate the text, and it tells me to cast a certain spell on the part of the pillar facing each alter (with a different kind of spell for each alter, of course).

I have no idea how they weren't able to figure this out on their own.



The sections of the pillar retract into the ceiling and floor, revealing a door.

The guy with the book says that, since I did all the work, I deserve to be the one to make any discoveries that could be made.

Because clearly if I already did all the work the proper reward is to make me do the rest of the work.



I head into the passageway and- oh my god is that a wraith

I think it is

I think it is a wraith

I HATE THOSE



Further into the cave. I find a section of the floor that has dozens of tiny holes.

COMPLETELY UNSUSPICIOUS



As you probably guess, stepping on this section of the floor causes it to fall and a bunch of spikes to pop out.



That doesn't stop the Punch Misers from being stupid enough to fall for it.

MANY TIMES.



Hmm. Here we have a blood stain...



...and some ceiling spikes...



I'll just take a tiny step here and see what happens.



The floor raises up into the ceiling spikes.

I'd imagine that would be incredibly painful if I were stupid enough to fall for it.




Ohh, and we have swinging blades of death.

...These swing so high I could probably crawl under them.



I eventually make it to a large room that has what appears to be cages hanging from the ceiling.

I guess this place was a prison or something. It would explain all the needlessly violent traps and torture devices.



I find a switch that makes some stairs to the center platform raise.



It also makes A BUNCH OF LICHES APPEAR!



SO MANY LICHES THEY ARE EVERYWHERE



WHY ARE THERE SO MANY LICHES



WHAT THEY HELL DID THEY DO TO THE LEFT SIDE OF MY FACE



THEY ARE EVERYWHERE GAH THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BREAK



AND YET I AM NOT SURPRISED



Luckily, liches are not immune to fists, and they are therefore defeated fairly easily.

I'm guessing whatever treasure I am supposed to find is on that center platform thing. LET'S SEE WHAT IT IS!



I hit the switch to open the case which reveals...



...An elven helmet?

That's it?

That's what I just went through all that shit for?

A type of helmet that isn't even stronger than glass?

...I'd be more frustrated, but I think I've developed an immunity to frustration by this point...



What are you talking about they sell these for like 500 gold

That isn't a lot of cheddar

It is not valuable or interesting



Why, so they can discuss what a waste of time this was?



Urghh... Who am I kidding... everything is a waste of time these days...

i think the game is telling you to take martin that place

it is telling you quite a lot

Whoops that update ended up as the last post on the page

How inconvenient

Good thing I have this post right here to let people know that there is an update I just posted a few minutes ago on the bottom of the last page so they don't miss it

Edit: Also I am going to start really making an effort to get back into the habit of updating this thing constantly. The fact that I've only updated three or four times IN ALL OF MAY has been sort of a wake-up call.

Everything is a waste of time in Cyrodiil.

Actually the Spelldrinker's Amulet is pretty useful, especially for an Atronach birthsign. 76% of magic is simply absorbed instead of otherwise causing horrible stuff. And it's not hard to get up to 100% from that.

The Atronach birthsign is pretty good, it just takes some ingenuity to work around Stunted Magicka.

http://www.plunder.com/WierdRace-downlo ... a6a917.htm

This mod makes your Khajti (spelling?) wierd.

Download>Data in BS folder in :C>game>data files>Tick A (the name) and either press ~ and type Showracemenu or start a new game>switch to the race.

hahahahahah, no it doesn't.

well 3 things

• 1.Did you tick the box in in data files?
  2.It's not mine and
  3.It worked for me.

Whens the next update?

Never.

O'rly

And is the guy in your sig Heavy from Team Fortress 2?

Master Chief wrote:Whens the next update?

When both

A. School stops being a jerk

and

B. I stop being lazy.


There are times when school isn't a jerk. There are times when I am not lazy.

They do not, however, happen very often at the same time.


I get out of school on like the 25th, so updates will probably start being as frequent as they used to be then (since it isn't like I'll have anything better to do). Until then, I'll try to do what I can.

School is more important

Ugh, I hate all the stupid crappy puzzle solving I've had to do in these ruins. I feel like I've been here for weeks or something.

Thank god I have an excuse to get back to the Mage's Guild.



I step outside and- sdjfaoasdjfiosdj okay that gate was not that close before! That daisies thing is following me!

I'd rather it didn't

Okay, you know what, these gates have been causing trouble for far too long! No more running away. It's time to solve this problem...



THE CHARLIE MANHUGE WAY



CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE




IT'S TIME TO- Wait did I just run into hell again of my own free will?

Why did I even do that this is a horrible mistake


Also is that a dead horse right there

Why is there a dead horse right there

There shouldn't be a dead horse right there

Someone should do something about the dead horse right there



We are immediately ambushed by several dremora

They are tough...



...but not invincible.



Oh hey, they actually have some daedric armor now.

Normally, Dremora just wear this special kind of armor that looks identical to daedric armor called Dremora armor, which can't be looted or worn without cheating. Not that you'd want it. It sort of sucks in comparison to most armor.

I guess they really don't want to take any chances when Charlie Manhuge is involved!



There are quite a few Dremora. It is amazing how far from invincible these guys are. I mean, I easily knocked this guy down.

I do not think they could be any less invincible.



What the hell?

You can't really see it in this screenshot, but there is a Dremora stuck in the rock somehow, attempting (and failing) to charge at me and hit me with his hammer. Somehow, despite being in a rock, he manages to hit be a bunch of times anyway.

That rock is gonna have to go.



DIE YOU GODDAMN BOULDER

FEEL THE WRATH OF MY FISTS

FEEEEEEEL IIIIIIIIIIIIIT



I AM NOT EVEN JOKING BOULDER

BOTH YOU AND THE DREMORA WITHIN YOU SHALL NOT LIVE TO SEE THE MORROW

I AM NOT EVEN SURE IF "MORROW" WAS USED PROPERLY IN THAT CONTEXT, THAT IS HOW MUCH I WANT YOU DEAD



Although I don't manage to get the Dremora out of the boulder, I manage to get him at an angle where he occasionally can be punched.

He, indeed, does not live to see the morrow.



The boulder does though. I think it has learned its lesson, however, so I'll let it live.


FOR NOW



Unfortunately, Martin is now somehow trapped within the boulder.

Which I admit is actually pretty funny. That boulder's got a good sense of humor.

Look at Jauffre just standing there, staring at the boulder, sad, waiting for Martin to come out. I mean, yeah, it is kind of hard to see him in this picture, but trust me he is there. (which is because Jauffre is not actually a follower. Martin is the follower, while Jauffre follows Martin, not me. I am not really sure why they programmed it like that. Probably so they never got separated or something).



Man. That is one dead horse.

How did this horse even get here? Did it just... walk in? Did it think "Oh, this big orange glowing thing looks like a great place to walk through, I bet there will be plenty of nice grass to eat over there (also I'm a horse)" and then walk in and think "Oh no there are bad things here that are killing me this is not grass this is not grass at all (also I'm still a horse)"?

You'd think it would be scared off by the demons outside the portal.

Anyway, I should be moving on. I'm not here to play horse murder detective.

...Even though that would be really awesome...

...Really, really awesome.

I'll have to keep that occupation in mind for when I retire from adventuring...



Why is hell so run down, anyway? Can't they afford repairmen? I mean, it's hell. It isn't like they have a shortage of demons to do work or anything.



...Unfortunately, I seem to have a shortage of minions who aren't too stupid to walk into lava and DIE.


Although I admit it's pretty badass that lava only renders them unconscious. For a bunch of stupid morons that can't do anything right, the Punch Misers sure know how to take a hit.



The most common demons so far seem to be Dremora (obviously) and this spider-lady-things. I've decided I'm gonna start calling these things Spider-Bitches. Because why the hell not.



...Caves? I have to navigate caves? In hell?

There goes the one thing I thought I liked about this place over Cyrodiil...



In these caves (WHICH GO ON FOREVEEEEEEEER WHY DON'T THEY END) I start encountering a hell of a lot more of these rock-monster things (Which I hereby dub "Balboas").



And those big blue guys that wield two-handed weapons in a single hand (which I hereby dub "Na'vi").



Although far more rare than they used to be, I start seeing a couple of those dinosaur guys. I'm gonna call those "dinosaurs". Because screw creativity and wit, that's why.



After a downright awful amount of time, I finallyreach the other side of the cave.

To one side, we have the really run-down and ruin-ish part of hell...



...And to the other, we have the well-built, dark, and menacing part of hell.

I'm guessing I should be heading to the tall tower up there. Like I did with the Kvatch-ian gate to hell.



While fighting a lone Balboa, I discovered that sneak attacks work even when the creature is busy fighting one of my allies and only has its back turned to me. And I can just spam sneak attacks over and over and it won't turn around because it is too busy fighting the Punch Misers.

Suddenly every fight seems at least a thousand times easier.



That tower seems to have a bridge to a slightly higher up tower. I guess I should head that way, then.



Inside, we find such pleasant decor as rotting, burning corpses hanging form the ceiling.

How pleasant.



And Balboas.

Man, those things are everywhere.



I make it to the top and begin making my way across the narrow bridge.

For some reason, Maglir is the only one who is following me. Hopefully the rest will catch up soon enough.



When I enter the other tower, Martin and Jauffre spontaneously appear out of nowhere.

Better than no one, I guess.



Too bad they are too stupid to not fall into the pit with the several Balboas.

I go down there and kill the Balboa for them, but they refuse to get on the elevator for some reason. So I just leave them there.



I exit the building and find that I am now alone.

Alone against the armies of hell.



But, hey, I've been through worse. Nothing fists can't handle.

Also, I've decided that those alligator things that I've been seeing less and less of are now called "Kremlings".



Well, this is it. The big tower. I just have to get to the top of this, get the sigil stone, and I am done.



When I enter, Maglir, Martin, Jauffre, and Guilbert all appear out of nowhere as if they were there the whole time.

I think they might be just a little bit magic at this point.

We start to fight our way to the top of the tower. This basically amounts to...



Killing a million Dremora...



And going up a million ramps.

Also, Velwyn appears out of nowhere, like the others. Now I'm only missing Reynald. Last I remember, he was repeatedly drowning in boiling lava.

I don't think he will be coming back any time soon.



Also there are many Na'vi.

Many Na'vi and many Dremora.



...Hey, what's that thing? Why is it moving upwards like that? That's sort of weird. Is it like an elevator or some-



Oh god it just crashed down like a guillotine that is very horrifying and very scary that does not look like a pleasant thing to get hit by

That is the first frightening trap I have ever encountered this is bad



Too bad it can't actually, you know, hit anything.



Finally we begin to reach the top of the tower. God, I had forgotten how long storming hell itself could take. I feel like I've been here for hours.



The sigil stone is up there. All I have to do is kill everything in the room and get it.

Actually, I could probably just grab it without killing everything in the room, but what would the fun in that be?



THERE IS A FIGHT



ONE WITH SEVERAL OPPONENTS, MIND YOU



But it is still easily won.

Well, there's the sigil stone. Nothing to stop me from taking it now. Reynald is still missing. Hopefully he'll be teleported outside with the rest of us.

Or he'll die. Which is very likely.



I take the sigil stone.

Everything promptly blows the fuck up



Perhaps this wasn't the best course of acctiiiioooooooooooo



ooooonnnnnnnn- oh hey look we are all okay.

And Reynald is still alive to. That's sort of nice I guess.

Well, that went well. Hopefully, I'll never have to do something like that again! Yep, I'm sure that's the last time I'll ever have to infiltrate hell!

I am absolutely positive it will never come up again!

Yep! Absolutely

100%

sure.

man you should totally storm all the oblivion gates. That was the only part in oblivion that was actually kind of arduous