Welcome Now to OBLIVION! An Elder Scrolls Let's Play.

[Decker]

That's the point.

[Zink]

NOTHING TO SEE HERE MOVE ALONG

[Superior Bacon]

It's not your fault, Zink, you had nothing to do with it. It was all Plasma.

[Badfish]

Plasma got banned?????



FUCK, for how long?

[Zink]

WHOOPS FUCKED UP AGAIN I NEVER SAID ANYTHING OKAY

[Zink]

Well... this little gang of four people is nice...

...But I still feel like it could be larger...

...Hmmm... where could I find more recruits...



Well, I may hate the Dark Brotherhood now, but that doesn't change the fact that it's members will do anything I say. I'll just get all of them to come with me for my adventures. They'll probably die in action anyway.



That sounds... vaguely sexual...


But, okay. You can join me. I look forward to watching you get horribly killed!



That also sounds vaguely sexual!

I wonder who else is here?



Yes, yes, I'm amazing, I know.

Anyway, you will be coming with me, now...



WHAT

You DARE disobey MY orders? This is treason.



Holy shit she died easily. I mean, I know I say that often, but I really mean it this time.

She didn't deserve to be with the punch misers anyway. Wimp.



Okay, shut up. Either come with me or die.



You have selected option B!

VERY WELL THEN



At least this guy has the decency to put up a halfway decent fight. UNLIKE MADAME WIMPERSON OVER THERE.



Well, okay, that takes care of that. The only two surviving Dark Brotherhood members at this moment are either essential or following me.

THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.



The Punch Misers is now a team of six! Eight, if you count Shadowmere and Queston.

WHAT MISSION SHALL WE ACCOMPLISH NOW?



This seems interesting enough.

IT IS TO THAT HOUSE I HEAD



Oh my god your hair is stupid.

Like, really stupid.

REALLY REALLY stupid.

You should be ashamed.



Of course my reputation precedes me. I have an Infamy score of like a million and seven. I'm kind of well-known around these parts. Especially by the guards.



Well, that really says something about... whatever this guy is talking about. "Oh, yeah, it's too dangerous for us out there. Let's just send Gilen's wife out instead. Who cares what happens to her."

Anyway, stupid hair tells me to follow him, so I do.



There is a dark elf wearing armor.

He is a very grumpy man.



The Dark Brotherhood member (who I will now call "Phillip") begins conversing with said bodyguard about some place called "Morrowind".

Apparently slavery has been abolished there.



Jauffre thinks that this is troubling news.

...I guess he had some slave plantations over in Morrowind or something. That racist bastard.



Anyway, dumb-hair leads me into this basement, where there is another dark elf and an argonian.



...Is this some sort of fraternity?

It sounds like some sort of fraternity.

Not a cool one, either. The geeky kind. This sounds like the kind of fraternity that sits around playing "Dungeons and Dragons" all day.



Oh, wait, you are vampire hunters.

I was close.

Oh, by the way, I'm calling it now, this guy is actually a vampire.

Seriously, it would explain why he sent what's-her-face to talk to me all those updates ago instead of finding me in person. Because he couldn't risk being in the sun.

It really couldn't be anymore daisies obvious.



...Well, then, maybe you shouldn't be vampire hunters.

IT SEEMS LIKE PRETTY BASIC LOGIC TO ME



Sure he is.

And you are not a vampire at all. Definitely.

I bet this is all exactly as you say it is and there aren't any twists at all.



Okay, fine, fine. Let me here what you say happened.




If it weren't for the fact I can already tell that this is all a lie, I would say something like "Maybe you should make sure you can overpower a vampire before you, you know, become a vampire hunter"



Here I would say something like "Wait you just left and innocent woman to die and fled like a coward despite the fact that killing vampires is the entire purpose your group is based around!?"

And then I would say something like "YOU ARE THE WORST VAMPIRE HUNTER EVER".

But, as I said before, this is clearly all lies.



If only Twilight ended this way.



Uh-huh. Whatever you say.

I look forward to eventually having to kill you later in the quest.

I mean, come on, he evens says "We meet at night". You know who else meets at night?

I'll give you a hint:

It's vampires!



Anyway, I break into this "vampire"'s house. Hopefully I will be able to find something that can help me locate him.



Hmmm... this shopping list seems suspicious.



As does this flyer.



A bar hidden in the basement, eh?



And skooma! Everyone knows vampires have skooma addictions.

Because, you know, they totally eat something that isn't blood.



What's this? A letter?

Hopefully this will be in the slightest bit useful.




OH HOW ROMANTIC

It's too bad that she was horribly murdered by a vampire or something.

Well, anyway, this cabin seems to be my best bet as to finding this guy. I'D BETTER HEAD THERE THEN.



Well, the gang's all here.

It's time to enter this cabin and see who this "vampire" really is!



Godammit Reynald this was supposed to be the dramatic revelation of this guy's face and you are in the way

Stop that.



NO SHIT!

Seriously, that was really obvious.




Yes yes I'm sure whatever you're saying is very important but I'm having trouble listening to you because Reynald is standing in the way like the drunkard he is





REYNALD

MOVE

NOW




So basically it is that other guys story except backwards.

The thing is though I think he is a vampire and not you.

So I take your side.



He tells me a way to track down what's-his-face.

Okay then.




Well, it sounds like the sort of place a vampire would hang out in.

IT IS TO THERE I HEAD



Well, this appears to be the cave.

I sure hope my underlings don't mind getting infected with vampirism.



Inside, there are vampires.

EVERYWHERE



One of them is called a "Vampire Witchhunter"

I did not realize that vampire's had anything against witches.



Once I kill him, I discover that his robe somehow weighs nothing.

Nothing about this guy makes sense.



Also my acrobatics skill goes up.



It appears as though these vampires were not above taking prisoners.

Man, vampires are kind of jerks.



Oh, hey, look, it's Seridur.

Let's see what this dork has to say for himself.




Wait wait wait wait wait

This whole thing was an elaborate plot to kill me so you can suck my blood?

What is so special about my blood?



Man, you are just dealing with everyone, aren't you?

And you claim you aren't getting sloppy.



Yeah, you know what, you were obviously a vampire this whole time. In fact, you were SO bad at pretending not to be a vampire that I'm not even going to do anything. I'm just going to let my underlings slaughter you.

You don't deserve to be killed by me.





I love how my underlings swarm.

They are really quite brutal.



The vampire does not last long.

Well, that takes care of that.



Ah, so that's what you look like.

At least Reynald had the decency to not be in my way this time.



What

Why would you do that

They are clearly morons.

...Okay, whatever, go ahead. Fine by me.


Queston tells me to go see Rolad in the Virtuous Blood base SO I DO.



Yes but they are dumb.

And so are you.



Yeah no.

I don't want to be a part of your band of idiots.




Stop that.

I already said I don't care.



This ring sucks

Okay you know what I'm just going to frenzy you all and let my underlings kill you.

That way the world will have slightly less stupid in it.



I start with the Argonian.



They take him down quickly.



Okay, it is your turn, ugly.




I will always love the way they swarm.

Always



That takes care of him.

Now for that bodyguard...



Seriously, man, how could you not tell that Selidur was actually a vampire.

You are not smart.



Can't fight at all, either.



And now the world has three less persons worth of stupid.

I don't know where Gilen, the last member, is, though.

OH WELL THIS IS GOOD ENOUGH

[Decker]

I laughed so much at the vampire witch hunter.

[Palenque]

The vampire witch hunter....
That's just...I don't know, not hypocritical, but rather strange.

[Superior Bacon]

excellent swarming

[BANANA]

excellent swarming

drones

[Miss Starseed]

I'm in the middle of that quest with Cheese right now.

He really is quite bad at not making it obvious he isn't the vampire.

I mean, you can't even do the speech craft mini game with him. Even if the person playing was retarded, that has to cast some kind of doubt he's a good guy.

[Zink]

Hey, do you know what city I haven't really spent any time in?

Anvil.

I'm gonna go there.



Now I just have to find something to do...

I know! I'll check the inn! Surely that will provide an answer!



A screaming manor, you say? And it's for sale?

Elaborate.



...You... uh... mean the inn we are standing in right now?

Couldn't you just... you know... point to him then?



Yeah, I heard. It's haunted or something. I'll take it.



Dude I already said I'll buy it.

I'm rich and you are selling it for a mere 5000 gold.



Oh my go- YES I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO BUY IT NOW



FINALLY



As I leave the inn to go see my new house, the man who first mentioned the manor asks Jauffre if he believes that stuff about Oblivion gates "popping up" all over the place.

Jauffre simply says "No".

I facepalmed.



Well... it... uh... could use a little work...

I'd better go see what it is like inside...



That is, after I check out the chapel. Apparently some horrible tragedy happened here. Everyone got murdered or something.

That sounds like a nice thing to go see.



daisies, that's a lot of blood.



Daaaamn



Daaaaaaamn



Daaaaaaaaaaaamn

They really fucked this place up. Good thing it isn't my problem.

Well, anyway, I'd better go check out my house again.



Wow... it's... pretty bad.



This whole place is a huge mess...

I'd say it's even worse than the chapel!



At least the bed looks okay.

I suppose I might as well take a nap. Who knows, perhaps the bed is so comfortable it makes up for the rest of the house.

I only sleep for a few minutes before I am woken up...



...by ghosts.

My underlings scatter throughout the house, fighting the spectral enemies.

I join them.



Thank god ghosts aren't immune to the power of fists!



My underlings seem to understand that, too. They are merely using their fists rather than their weapons. I am glad that they have discovered what it truly means to be a Punch Miser



I stumble across a broken jar with a note and skeleton hand. I take them both.






Turns out that this house once belonged to an evil mastermind.

Huh.

Well, this all sucks. I want my cheddar back! I'd better track down the asshole who sold it to me. But didn't he leave town? I should probably ask around and see if anyone knows anything about where he might have gone.



Godammit, the Imperial City? I was only gone for like an hour or so! How did he get there so fast?

Oh well. At least I have the magic of fast-travel...



I find Velwyn.

He does not seem worried at all about being surrounded by a large amount of heavily armed men.

He should be.




WHAT

There better be a VERY daisies GOOD REASON why you had to leave so soon!



What?

The reason is simply that you felt like moving to the Imperial City!?

I HATE YOU SO MUCH

THAT IS A SUCKY REASON FOR SELLING ME A HAUNTED HOUSE AND NOT TELLING ME THAT IT WOULD BE TRYING TO KILL ME





So that's why it's haunted. Amazing. I care.




NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL

By the way, unless you like being a corpse, you'd better have a way for me to get rid of this curse!




GODAMMIT I HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO ANVIL

THIS IS JUST POINTLESS RUNNING BACK AND FORTH

MY FOURTH-TO-LEAST FAVORITE ACTIVITY

Ughhh... Oh well... At least I have fast-travel...



Yeah, let's get this over with.



He tells me to follow him to the manor so I do



The house is filled with more ghosts. Dammit.

Anyway, I should probably get to his basement and-

...Wait... is he following me now?



...He is following me...

Hmmm...



Welcome to the Punch Misers, Velwyn. You may be a con-artist, but none of us are perfect.

It's always nice to have a new member. Who needs some dumb old house, anyway?

[Falconer Lombard]

Another Punch Miser!

The warband grows!

[Mr. Mander]

You'd think having that many people would mess up your framerate.

[Decker]

SUCH A TINY FACE

SUCH TINY EYES