AWKWARD ZOMBIE

I almost never ride my horse. Fast travelling is where it's at.

Yeah. I mean, it's not like Daggerfall where you could fit a horse and a cart (with another horse) in your pockets and use them whenever you weren't in a dungeon. And even that game has fast travel...

I was kind of more imagining Charlie mowing people down on horseback

Ugh guys I'm sorry the next update has been taking so long but I just don't feel funny recently (most likely because I have been in a pretty bad mood as well as feeling kinda sick) so I haven't been able to write it. I AM SORRY I AM SO HORRIBLE AND I KNOW MY EXCUSES SUCK AND IT WILL PROBABLY BE DONE TODAY


BUT DON'T WORRY GUYS HERE IS AN OUT OF CONTEXT PREVIEW PIC TO HOLD YOU OVER



NOW YOU CAN STARE AT THIS WONDERING HOW THIS PICTURE COULD POSSIBLY MAKE ANY SENSE IN ANY CONTEXT AT ALL

WHY DID YOU REVERSE-PICKPOCKET YOUR SPARE ARMOUR INTO THEM

AAAA THE QUESTIONS

I am confused.
But I suppose that was the intent of that.
The suspense for the next update builds.

Palenque wrote:I am confused.
But I suppose that was the intent of that.
The suspense for the next update builds.

Actually the next update is going to be pretty bad.

The quest I do is one of those "Run back and forth talking to people until the quest is over" quests.

Just lump it together with another update with a funnier quest, if you really really have to.

It's kinda funny how you get arrested for reverse pickpocketing. Or, at least I do.

Just do it all in front of Armand and pay off the bounty instantly.

To be honest nothing is as bad as I am saying it is.

I am just being whiny and lazy.

Theres a mod you can download that lets you have people follow you they they like you enough. You can take all of there stuff afterwards, too. So I bribe them and take my gold back. It's such a useful glitch. But sometimes if a generic guard NPC follow you, they mess up a lot. Like, die for absolutely no reason. It's actually fun to watch.

Well, it's nice that I have my own private army, but they seem kind of... under-equipped.

I mean, I'm the only member of the team that's actually wearing, you know, armor.

I think I have some spare armor in my house in Cheydinhal.



IT IS TO THERE WE HEAD.



Okay, now there's some things I need to explain.

The only way for me to give these guys armor is to use the developer console, unless I only give them 0 weight items. Which would be stupid.

However, even using the developers console, the only way I can really equip them is by directly adding a duplicate of an item into their inventory and then using another command to get them to equip it. Since just giving them the best armor ever would be cheating, I will only give them armor that I already possess. After I give them their duplicates, I will put the armor into a container that respawns every so often, effectively destroying the items.

So basically it will be just like me giving them items.

pop flyin'? No? TOO BAD GET OVER IT.



I give Jerome a daedric cuiress I just happened to have on me.




I also give him some enchanted Daedric boots I had. I don't have any pants to give him, though.

I decided to give Guilbert that Dark Seducer armor I got a while ago, and, who knows, it might actually look okay on him- Oh wait I take that back that looks absolutely terrible.

OH WELL



I give Martin my Kvatch cuiress, since he did, after all, help me fight my way through the city, and an enchanted mithril shield.

I don't have any pants for him either, however.



I give Jauffre that one skin-tight Dark Brotherhood uniform I had. It's completely inferior to the Black Hand robes anyway.



Okay wow this looks like a shot out of a bad gay porn movie.

Clearly I need to buy them more armor.

And pants.



I head to the local smith and buy a bunch of armor.



That is much better.

Unfortunately, I have nothing that can improve what Guilbert is wearing. Poor guy.



I come across a strange, drunk man on a bridge.

He starts singing to me about cliff racers.

Thank god those things are only in the province of Morrowind. Too bad this guy isn't.

I decide to just start talking to people around town. You never know when you might find a quest that needs doing or a man that needs murdering.



I come across a woman who is an absolutely terrible judge of character.

I ask her about this man who I am apparently too "nice" to work for.



A corrupt official, eh? I was one of those, once. Then I realized that having my own realm was not nearly as good as it seems.

Also I murdered everyone I ruled.

...I wonder how the Shivering Isles is doing without me, anyway. Most places don't fare that well without a leader...

OH WELL NOT MY PROBLEM.



Aldos? The drunk guy singing about Cliff Racers?

Why would anyone be friends with that guy on purpose



I see.

That is nice.

I care.

So much.



So apparently she wants me to talk to this one guard that also doesn't like McCorrupterson.

I go ahead and do so because it isn't like I have anything better to do.



I find him in the Castle.

The lighting in this castle is very poor.




He refuses to talk to me until I do that stupid disposition minigame.

Also I like the way half of his face is in light and exactly half is in shadow. He looks kind of like two-face.



It takes about 20 seconds of the disposition minigame for him to trust me.

What is wrong with people?



So apparently the guy is using the cheddar he collects from fines for his own purposes.

That's being a jerk.

I know what you are thinking. "Oh, but you are Charlie Manhuge, and you are not a nice person, wouldn't you do the same thing?". The answer is, no, I wouldn't fine people for cheddar. I'd just kill them and take it off their corpse.

IT IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.



I have to get drunkard to be a witness?

Fine. That shouldn't be too difficult.





I have no idea what I just said but I apparently made him very angry.

I like where this is going.



I follow him like he asked me to.

I HOPE HE COMMITS AN ACT OF VIOLENCE



He walks to his old house and starts yelling a guard.



The guard does not respond well to this.



Aldos then draws a dagger and attacks a guard!

OH BOY THIS IS GONNA BE-



-good?

Wow, that was fast. As corrupt as these guards may be, you have to give them credit for being so efficient.



Also his body kind of looks like he is making the "Y" in "YMCA"

Although I personally feel the next logical course of action would be to talk to that guard guy who told me to get Aldos as a witness, Queston wants me to talk to the Dark Elf lady who gave me the quest.



OUT OF PLACE EXPOSITION, AHOY



OH BOY OH BOY

Will I get to kill him I hope I get to kill him I like assassinating officials is it the sort of thing I am good at



...Well, it isn't exactly what I wanted, but it sounds vague and threatening enough to be interesting.

I'd go find Ulrich but Queston wants me to go talk to the good guard guy again.

Godammit Queston why do you have to be so bossy.

Apparently the good guard guy also has a plan.



WHOOPS LOST INTEREST ALREADY



Oh boy, he is actually falling for this.

I can't wait to see what she does to him!



I'm surprised he finds nothing suspicious about being escorted to this place by heavily armed men.

You'd think he'd figure our something was wrong.



Oh boy he it -whatever it is- comes!



Oh boy this is gonna be good



They continue talking and what's-her-face starts getting really rustled off




Lovelies? Feast? Incredibly sinister tone?

I think I like where this is going...



She casts a paralysis spell on him, and then some rats show up.



Holy shit.

The rats are slowly biting him to death.



...That was brutal

I

AM

IMPRESSED



If you insist. I mean, I'd rather not, since that was so very impressive but I won't argue if you really want me to.

Seriously, after seeing that messing with you isn't exactly high on my list of priorities.



Go ahead and try to arrest me. I'm used to it.

Just don't complain when you end up with huge amounts of corpses of dead guards littering the castle.



What? Seriously? Man, you are way too forgiving for a guard.



Mmkay.





Outside the castle, I encounter some old guy who wants me to help his sons or something.

I'm pretty sure I saw this exact same guy in that one inn in Chorrol.

I accept. I'm sure I'll get around to it eventually.

I head to the inn and wait a few hours.



Have you? Hurry up then. Let's hear it. I haven't go all day.



What

You are going to let her off easy just because she had a motive!? EVERY murder has a motive! She paralyzed a man and let rats slowly bite him to death.

Look, I thought you were too forgiving to be a guard before but come on this is just ridiculous.



Ohhhhh

I see now. That's why you are letting her off easy. He little murder gave you a little promotion eh? I take back what I said. You are my kind of guard.




Yes, tell the "people of Cheydinhal" that they are welcome... heh heh heh...



Well, that settles that then.

There doesn't really seem to be any more to say about the matter.

You should marry that woman.

...Wait. My quest never ended that awesome. I AM JEALOUS.