AWKWARD ZOMBIE

I keep saying I'm gonna post more, then I disappear for a month or so.
Super busy with work, transferred permanently (until they decide otherwise) to the busy store with my GM to clean it up, we're moving soon, I have community service I gotta do because of those stupid sublets, and I'm having sleeping issues so I'm too blah to even read the forum anymore.

Still feel bad, though. I like AZ.

Having not even the slightest success in job hunting so far made me kind of apathic, and in return I'm not having much willpower to continue applying as strongly as I should, which leaves me more apathic again, and so on. It's a bad spiral I can't break out, and this started to lead that I can feel this old denseness of my depressions creeping back to me. I'm catching myself very often lately thinking bad things again - too often.

I'm guessing I'm not as strong as I thought and I need pills again. I could tell more easily if it's really just feeling pooped of the situation or a serious problem if I'd get a positive response from an employer.

I am having trouble thinking I am not good enough for anything, and I get really anxious when people tell me that "everything will be fine" and "don't worry".

I sort of don't want to hear any of that, encouragement is just not processing in my head because it sounds like I've heard it before and might be half assed.

I had pizza for dinner yesterday, a slice of pizza at lunch with friends, and I just invited another friend out for pizza for dinner tonight.

No regrets.

Dear Dia- er, Confessions Thread:
I need to self-evaluate so I'm not sure where this rant is going. I don't even mind if you don't read it, I just need to write this stuff down somewhere so I can understand it better. Anyway, I'm not sure if I've hit a high or low point when it comes to my motivation and self-esteem.

I've realized that a lot of my problems with getting stuff done has to do with fear of failure. I'll get apprehensive about really easy stuff just because I haven't done it before or there's one weird catch to it, and then I never get around to doing it and it all piles up and causes even more problems.

Something that's getting me through this block is just telling myself that it's okay to fail. It's the kind of advice I give out all the time, after all. And a quick look back at the past couple of years shows that I've failed quite a bit, academically at least. My grades aren't nice and shiny like they used to be and I'm having trouble getting into a groove where I can get everything done semi-easily. Now I'm realizing that a huge amount of the stress might've been avoided had I just said "Fuck it, let's get this over with". Even though I put things off to the last second (or later) I still try to make sure they're done right, but I think that it's turned into a fear of not doing it right, which is different. Say I get a project assigned. I might form a couple ideas in my head but I wouldn't know where to start, so I just don't start it, because I am worried that I won't start it correctly, or something. But say I started writing some total crap that I knew I wasn't gonna use, well, at least it counts as starting it and I could go back and fix it later.

This happens all the way down to the smallest level. If I get distracted while working on something, its usually because I've hit a block where I don't know what word to use, or if a sentence will sound right, small stuff like that. Since it's too hard to get the "perfect" solution my brain wanders somewhere else. If I just filled in the blanks with ???? or something I would probably focus better.

Then there's the self-esteem thing. I often think about how much of a loser I am and how often I've screwed up or am terrible at this or that. But, I'm kind of just accepting it now. "Yeah, I suck at school stuff now. Yeah I know I never get out of bed on time, I know I always get to class late or skip or whatever, what of it?" It sounds bad, but thinking like this makes me realize that I am in fact on the bottom, which means every little improvement matters. Before, I was in a state of denial, trying to hold myself up to the standard of "normal people" who always get to class on time and have enough time and energy to study as much as i wanted to. Now, if I see myself on the bottom, I can look around and try to find ways to move up, and even if it doesn't work or if I do a crappy job, it's not like I have anything to lose. I can say "Well lets see...maybe I can get this random thing done" and it feels a little bit better than saying "Oh, I got this random thing done and I have a million more things I have to do". I mean, that's still true and I'll still think about that, but I am trying to push through every one of those apprehensive moments I have when I get stressed and it makes more sense to start from the bottom up than to pretend I'm normally in a good spot that I need to get back to.

TLDR I suck, but I don't even care anymore, it just makes every good thing I do manage to do mean a lot more. Life isn't gonna bog me down much further anyway, might as well take care of whatever I can and take some pride in it.

I feel bad when imaginary characters are more intelligent than me. I don't know why.

my imaginary friend is always lording his 100 point iq over me

I'm asexual.

Welcome to the forum.

im thinking of going back om my medication for my ADD and depression. Ive been int his funk since I left home and its starting to affect my school performance a bit..
Maybe It'll help.

Averisimilitude wrote:I'm asexual.

Me too. There are a couple of asexual people on AZ.

It's my mom's birthday today, and since she didn't pick up the phone, I left her a message on the answering machine.
This isn't the first time it happened on a parents' birthday, and I feel absolutely no remorse doing so.

Whatever, your parents suck booty

I feel so envious over seeing other artists the same age as me that have gained sufficiently more talent and now attend amazing animation schools, and have an audience that want to see their comics and art and things.

I feel like I've spent so much time feeling bad about myself when I should have been honing my art skills and pushing myself harder to just draw and doodle my ideas instead of keeping them to myself.

yeah it's hard not to feel that way

there's one artist I follow on tumblr who I always get bitterly jealous of when they post

same age as me and working in the industry arrgagabrablemrgrbbeggrr

but anyway it doesn't really matter and you just have to remember and tell yourself that