AWKWARD ZOMBIE

I have been thinking a lot about depression.

I've been trying to write this post for twenty minutes and I can't seem to get anything written that feels right. Too much explanation? I don't know. I think I was trying to put things in order when it's easier done through stream-of-consciousness.

I don't want to accept the idea that I may be depressed. I feel I should be above depression. I've gotten through the past five years of instability just fine, right? I have shown myself to be strong enough to get through a lot of tasks and I've had to learn how to be an adult faster than I would've imagined as a teenager. With all the time that's gone by, if I was to be depressed I should have gotten it long ago.

And if it is depression? What if it's a build-up? Maybe it's always been there? I think that thought is what scares me most. How much of myself would it have affected? I feel as though I've grown a lot as a person the last couple of years, and I like the changes I've made within myself. But there are other things I have lost. I do not have passion for the things I enjoy. Most of what I do is based off of habit and repetition. Routines are easy and mindless. I think that's why my job works so well. But that mindlessness is double-edged. I think too much when I am alone, so I throw myself into environments where there are many people so that I don't have to think about those sorts of things. (People even say I collect friends like Pokemon.) I surround myself with people that make me pop flyin', but there are still times where I feel a sense of emptiness and loss like I do not know where I am going or what I am doing and I have to cling to others for any sort of direction in my life and that's sad and pathetic because I should be able to figure these things out for myself. I sometimes feel sad, but it is mostly an over-arching feeling of "nothing matters". I have no sense of time (which is probably in part because of my graveyard shifts), and the weeks fly by. There are some positives in life (some very big), and I am saving cheddar, and thinking of those things makes me pop flyin' so it's not like I'm devoid of all emotion, but when I can't control my facial expressions and vocal tone and people ask me what's wrong? and are you okay? I answer with a smile and say yeah, nothing's wrong, and they are not convinced and I don't entirely understand because I actually wasn't feeling bad or pop flyin' but it's just showing? Am I that bad at controlling my body language?

I feel like admitting I am depressed is admitting weakness. This is not a reflection upon others, only on myself. I do not like it, but there are some things I can not explain. I had Morgan make a comment where I had to be careful about getting excited, because when I get excited I like to spend cheddar, and I asked him "What do you mean? When did I do that?" and he responded with, "Well what about when you were buying Dota 2 keys for a few weeks?" and I said, "Ah no, I think I was just depressed," and he was floored by that because a) what did I mean and b) why didn't I tell him and it's like, well a) buying things makes anyone feel good and it's like hey, I can give these to friends and trade with them and make them pop flyin' and b) I never mentioned it because it's not something I recognized until recently because really with my mother's financial history and how stringent I am with my finances how could I have been so stupid - but a lot of that time was spent living in a hotel room and thinking "I am not going anywhere from here, this is how life will always be, I will never achieve any of my hopes or dreams and this cycle will continue until I die" and when that is your general mindset you start to not really care about the consequences of what you're doing.

Idk I think I'm going to stop there. Confessions thread, confession status: done.

No wait I lied I'm also listening to "We Can't Stop" a lot and I have no regrets, sorry for shaming my family.

Depression is a weird beast and it seems to change from person to person.

Most people who I've met, mind you none of them qualified to say for sure, seem to think I'm somewhat depressed. I feel like I'm depressed sometimes, but sometimes I feel like I just don't care about anything, and sometimes I get very heavy bursts of emotion that I can't actually explain. Sometimes I just don't feel like getting out of bed for numerous reasons, and sometimes I have to get out of bed right away and do something that I never get around to doing.

I don't feel like I understand people anymore, I honestly don't. People get mad at me for not being interested in something or focusing on something else above what they're doing and that's apparently rude but I don't feel like it is and I don't understand how it is. I understand that they think that but I can't relate at all.

I feel like I have plenty of motivation to do things but when it comes time to do them I end up stuck somehow and just unable to focus on it. It takes a lot of willpower to even bother starting and if something goes wrong I give up immediately and then feel like I'm the one who fucked it up irreversibly and why even bother with anything.

I'm not entirely sure anymore if this is an abnormal thing. Do I just only recently feel like this? I think that's true, but what if I just always have? What if I'm just normally unfeeling and I just fake it so well that I fool myself sometimes? How else could I go from feeling nothing almost always to feeling pop flyin' and then very suddenly irritated with all forms of life around me?

I know I don't care about myself much at all anymore. I passed the point of wanting to kill myself a few years back, but now I'm just in this state of not caring about my life at all. The only reason I even bother is because of everyone else around me. I care more about random and complete strangers than I do myself and on one hand that's good but on the other hand shouldn't I be somewhat selfish? Like even a little?

I did have a pretty fucked up childhood, and my mom seems to think I have some form of PTSD from that, which I think might be going a little far, but I don't remember feeling like this then. I remember that it was about the same time I lost all ability to do well in school, and just lost any motivation for learning, so maybe it did start there, but I don't remember just not caring. I thought I cared immensely then. Maybe it was a gradual thing.

Maybe I just need to get out of a rut, or start doing something, but I don't have any real want to do so. I know it'd be best but the ability to go and do it seems lost.

I kind of wish I had that back.

It's not sad or pathetic to not be able to figure everything about yourself by yourself. We all need a hand sometimes. You may see and learn more thanks to others than just by yourself.

To be honest it's obvious to me that I was depressed and that I haven't gotten over it. I don't know what I'll do in two years once (if?) I have my diploma. I've just spent three years doing nothing and leeching off my parents, and I don't know if that'll change once I've worked for the next two years. I don't have projects, I don't exactly have hopes or dreams… I have some things I want to do, but I don't have something I want to spend my life doing. Sometimes it gets bad but in the past year I've had many opportunities and experiences that have changed the way I deal with that.
I'm an awfully more positive and optimistic person than I was before, and I've been trying to actively show it. When I think of myself, I don't see an useless slob like before. I see myself in a positive light. I think I'm pretty cute, pretty smart, and pretty nice. I think I have time ahead of me to better myself and figure out my path. Of course, I still think I have flaws, but I don't see them in the same light either. They're no longer horrible marks on me that I think will be obvious to everyone, they're just things I have to be careful about, things I have to tame sometimes.
After this "work" I've done on myself and my outlook on life, though, I feel I have not been as close to my friends as before. However, I think that I really needed to take the time to focus on myself for a bit. I feel awfully better than I used to. I don't think my friends mind.
This post didn't really have a lot to do with yours, IF, haha.

I've struggled with depression as well. I'm making all A's throughout school and I just feel like I'm a failure for some reason. I have times where I just feel really sad and have no idea what to do. I just go around doing something for a second then doing something else. I had to make it a goal not to go down into the feeling suicidal range of depression and the thought that I had to make it a goal and it isn't natural for it to happen rarely scares and saddens me.

I still stayed depressed by that time, but that was because no one took care of me and I got neglected like before and then it was too much for anyone but a professional to handle, but I think once you moved out into your own home, you'll be seeing some quality changes.
It did so much for me to not live with my parents anymore. You know, get out of a purely toxic environment. Sure you love your mom, but the financial stress and having to live in hotels and such things is just pulling you down completely.
You'll be able to take of yourself then, and only having to take care of yourself, which, trust me, will be such a huge relief. You'll likely feel more relaxed and being able to enjoy your time better and finding new hobbies and rediscovering your passions and stuff.

Also from personal experience, but I'm wondering if your relationship with Morgan might not pull you down too? It's commendable that you take it on you to make sure you are in the same time to be able to talk to each other, and he might be your last bastion before insanity, but the most important person in your life should be you. And you even said it yourself that you have no sense of time because of that, and that's not actually helping your situation either (though Morgan is probably more responsive than Tuxedo Mask at that time - atleast I hope so).

It can be really hard admitting to yourself that you're "weak", but know what? Humans are social animals and we're simply not able to do everything by our own. Even by the chance that you do get diagnosed with depression, and that you're scared of it, go to a counselor or whatever you have available. Because, you know what? There actually is nothing "weak" about being depressed. It's not that you've become powerless or whatever, it simply means you have a sickness. And like any sickness, you go to a doctor to get it cured, because you can't exactly make cancer go away by simply telling yourself constantly "I don't have cancer and I'm feeling fine".

I hate feeling stupid more than almost anything else in the world. Especially when it involves something where it's either implied to be really easy or someone just outright says, "It's really easy, here, let me show you." That happens sometimes and then I still don't get it and I end up thinking, "Welp, guess I'm just an idiot then." I mean, if it's so easy, what am I not getting? It causes me to get kind of depressed, and really insecure. It's where a lot of frustration from my major stems from.

yesterday I had trouble using this printing press thing in class so the teacher came and helped me and I felt kinda dumb

then later on these girls were having the same problem and I went over and helped them like a big cool dude

the moral is learn from mistakes and use them to impress girls

Smart people do dumb stuff too. Don't be surprised if you see university professors failing to hook up a projector or something.

the number of times our CompSci professor forgot to put a semi colon in

I just found out that Erik has really bad stretch marks near his crotch and I'm super grossed out about it and want to know if you can fix them
Edit: I bodaciously just found out that 99% of stretch marks aren't like halfway through your skin and two inches wide and his aren't that bad, but he's gonna try and get rid of his

Syobon wrote:Smart people do dumb stuff too. Don't be surprised if you see university professors failing to hook up a projector or something.

"Mr. Bawner you forgot to plug in the TV."

Yes. No NSFW stuff. If you absolutely must talk about stretch marks, there's the Health thread.

Okay
*explodes in shame*

Marcato wrote:I hate feeling stupid more than almost anything else in the world. Especially when it involves something where it's either implied to be really easy or someone just outright says, "It's really easy, here, let me show you." That happens sometimes and then I still don't get it and I end up thinking, "Welp, guess I'm just an idiot then." I mean, if it's so easy, what am I not getting? It causes me to get kind of depressed, and really insecure. It's where a lot of frustration from my major stems from.

I feel like an idiot when someone else does something stupid and I reply then they apologize for their mistake and I can't help. I volunteered to replace into a game on the Mafia Scum forum but the guy didn't specify that it was an SE player and I wasn't qualified. He apologized but I still feel stupid even though I wasn't the one who made the error, I just took information from it.