Uncle Dimm's Storytime Extravaganza

[Dimm]

CHAPTER 3: In which I jump from a speeding train

So yeah, I promised stories about the stupid shit that I used to do, too. The kind of shit that only the balls of a 14 year old can enable you to do. See, I was an angsty teenager once, too. I listened to angry music like it was my job, hated everything, had general bad luck with all the wrong kinds of women and hung with the wrong crowd. Lookin back at it now, it's hilarious, but I was rustled, depressed, all that cool shit back then.

Well when I was in high school I reached a point when I decided that me, being the all-knowing smart guy that I was, had nothing left to live for. Good for me, because it meant that I would take risks that I would have never taken otherwise. I was still straight-edge when it came to drugs, drinking, all of that. I never was a fan of the sauce and I still ain't, but it crossed my mind a few times back then. I used to hang out with a friend of mine, who was a good guy until he fell in with the wrong crowd and we started partying at his place. His house was nice, but a little shady place in southeast Roanoke where all the bad people hung out. Once they found out that we had a new deck and started partying, there was rampant drug use and whatnot. Never by m e, but people certainly abused the place. It didn't help that his mom was the same way. I hear she's since reformed. Bless her for that, those were some terrifying times.

Anyway, I'm not gonna bore you with the background here. Suffice to know that we had found a small room accessible from outside of his house in which plentiful amounts of the herb was smoked (again, never by me. I was a watcher, not a toker.) Anyway, one night after we had set this room up with some bitching christmas lights and couches and whatnot, we were all hanging around and I, as my angsty self, got rustled and went up and sat on his roof like I normally did when I was angry (read: all the time.) Great view, dark night with beautiful stars. Anyway, I sat up there for a while and came down. It's around midnight now.

Let me introduce you to my friend Derek. Derek was a great guy. He liked weed a little too much for his own good, bt I'm not one to judge for that. Derek also weighed... probably 400 pounds. Big guy. Well we sat there, he was stoned out of his mind, and we stared at the stars, wondering how big our universe actually is (If you've never discussed these questions with someone that's blazed beyond belief, do so. It's quite profound.)

Anyway, the rest of the guys came up from drinking and whatnot and had the bright idea to go tag a train down by the tracks near the house. Now see I decided that it'd be a good idea to go with them, lest I get peer pressured out of existance. So we grabbed some spray paint cans and hoofed it down a block or so to the tracks. They get to work taggin away at this train and I'm just kind of looking at the spraypaint. What do I do in a situation like this?

I draw a huge-booty penis on the side of the train car, that's what

After I stood back and surveyed my masterwork, the train whistled and started to move. Everyone has the bright idea to hop on the ladders on the traincars and ride it back to B's house. So we all walk beside it until it picks up speed and then hop on the ladders.

Now let me tell you it was a beautiful autumn night, mid august. The ride was enjoyable and the wind felt great. Now see everyone but me jumped off when I wasn't paying attention, and besides, what's the worst that could happen? I ride away to North Carolina and become a trainyard bum, happily exchanging song for coin to get by in life.

Fuck that

I decide now that I must depart the train. But seeing that the train has picked up quite a bit of speed since I snapped into my daydream, this doesn't seem like such a feasible idea. I'm going about 40+ miles an hour and bailing off of this thing onto the rocks beside the track would do a little more than hurt, methink.

It was around this time that I realized that I was completely and utterly boned, in every sense of the word.

A little panicky, but nothing too serious. Like I said, I didn't have anything to live for at the time and who the hell cares if I break my legs jumping off and lay there until someone (or something) finds me.


...Wait, I fucking care. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

A multitude of thoughts are going through my head at this point. My parents will kill me. My friends will never find me. If I manage to hurt myself, the engineers will probably kill me. I don't want to ride to North Carolina and end up hobo-bitch to some big guy named Bubba that busks down by the trainstation for spare nickels.

Shit

Finally my brain snaps into high gear as the train picks up more speed and I realize that if my calculations are correct, we should be passing over some water sometime soon. Sure enough, the train crosses a bridge soon. I try to time the jump just right and hope to whatever deity there is in heaven that the water is deep enough to not kill me.

I jump.

Now the first thought going through my head is "I hope I live through this."

The second thought was "This will make a fucking awesome story if I do."

Luckily for me, I timed the jump correctly and hit water. It was about a 40ft drop, so not really a laughing matter or a light feat considering the speed I was moving. I felt my feet touch the bottom of the river as I stopped. I pushed off and kicked up (losing a shoe in the mud at the bottom in the process) to the surface of the water. Breaking the tension was the greatest feeling I've ever had in my whole daisies life.

I swim to the shore and climb up about 10ft of rock face to get out of the river. I then walk, single-shoed, about a mile back to B's house, where everyone thought I had died and was freaking out.

Imagine the surprise on their face when a dripping-wet ghost shows up to prove them wrong.

NEXT TIME: MORE ABOUT DEREK!

[Tall-Hatted Yanimae]

Oh

My

God


I'm going to start getting out more because of your stories Dimm. That's just unbelievable and awesome that you survived that

But god was it stupid

[Shoolis]

I bet Bubba misses you Dimm.
He misses you haaaaaaard.

[Mr. Mander]

This is incredible.

I hope you never run out of stories.

[Zink]

Dammit Dimm stop making my life feel inadequate and boring with your amazing stories.

[Cabinet]

This is incredible.

[Dimm]

Bonus picture: Me discovering that I am secretly Batman after being doped out of my mind on painkillers after surgery. Note the crutch handles in the corner of the picture, I am totally riding on one of the electric carts.

[Tall-Hatted Yanimae]

DIMM, ARE YOU BATMAN

[Trygve]

We are all batman!

[Dimm]

Batman is all of us.

[Trygve]

But who is boy wondeR?

[Dimm]

Dark.

But don't tell him I said that.

[Trygve]

Dark.

But don't tell him I said that.

But aren't you Dark, Dimm... I mean Dark?

[Xabyrn]

Wait, did this really happen?

If so, I'm so turning this into a movie.

[Dimm]

Of course it happened. I wouldn't write it if it wasn't true.

This is the internet, after all!