Uncle Dimm's Storytime Extravaganza
Chapter 12: In which Dimm is offended
Right, so this story just came back to me a few days ago and I forgot to post anything about it until Torizo reminded me, so here it is. I'm gonna warn you guys outright that this one is a little more than disgusting, so don't read it if you're eating, going to eat, just ate, or enjoy marshmallows.
When I was younger I had a couple of friends that I would hang out with fairly regularly in my neighborhood. My best friend out of all of these was a little guy named Klaus. He was a couple of years younger than me, but we were both into the same things (mainly guns) and we got along really well. Now he had a neighbor two houses down named Jason, and Jason... well, Jason was unique. He was a mix between a skater kid and a jock, and a bit of a douche, but he was fun to hang around from time to time so we let it slide. He used to think he was tough shit until he tried to push me around and I whooped the unholy hell out of his scrawny booty. That's another story for another time, though.
Well we had decided one night over the summer that we were going to throw up my tent in Klaus' backyard and sleep out there, because none of us had cars and we could never get taken anywhere to camp for real unless it was on a Boy Scout trip. So we walk our poor asses down to the grocery store about a block away and pool together our cheddar to buy a 3-Liter bottle of Mountain Dew knockoff called Country Gold (Store brand, but man that stuff was really good) and some marshmallows. Nevermind the fact that we couldn't start a fire to cook anything, because the next door neighbor in between Klaus and Jason's house was a complete harpy and would oftentimes yell at us in the middle of the night if we were too rowdy/noisy/what the fuck ever. She also had this tiny little dog that would run around and try to hump your leg and she yelled at you if you even stepped toe in her yard at all, be it retrieving a ball or just skitting the corner walking to the alley. One time she was sitting out back when a couple of us were playing and I was running and stumbled and instead of faceplanting on her gravel driveway, I caught myself and took a few steps into her yard to stop myself and she raised hell at me and started walking towards me and yelling at me for walking on her yard and blah blah blah. It gets a little faint from there because I had tuned out the sound of bitch from that point on.
Anyway, we're sleeping outside (or not sleeping, it's always hard to when you're camping. Mainly sitting around and talking and running around the neighborhood when it's dead outside.) Klaus runs in his house to go to the bathroom. Jason zips the tent back up and before I know it he's giggling like a madman. I look over to see what is so funny and Jason has pulled his pants down and his inserting marshmallows into his asshole with the shaft of a marker.
Yeah, you read that right.
I ask him what the fuck he's doing and he giggles and tells me he's gonna pull them out and put them back in the bag and give them to Klaus. Now Jason was always a bit mean to Klaus so this was nothing out of the ordinary so I just kind of sighed a bit and tried to ignore him shoving marshmallows up his booty right in front of me. He just kept pounding them in there. He even asked me if I'd man the marker. I respectfully declined.
Eventually he decided he had enough marshmallows up his butt and pulled them out and put them back in the bag and sealed it back up. Klaus came back and we told him that we were finished with the marshmallows and he could have the rest. He was a very pop flyin' boy. I was not. I seen some shit that night.
Next day in the daylight, Klaus started eating marshmallows. Jason started giggling again and I groaned and hid my eyes. But not before I saw a brown spot on a marshmallow that Klaus was oblivious to as he popped it into his mouth. Jason completely lost it at this point and explained to Klaus that he had been eating marshmallows that he had shoved up his butt with a marker. Klaus promptly spat them out and punched Jason right in the cod.
We found out a few years later that Jason was gay, confirming our suspicions. I've never looked at marshmallows the same way again.
Right, so this story just came back to me a few days ago and I forgot to post anything about it until Torizo reminded me, so here it is. I'm gonna warn you guys outright that this one is a little more than disgusting, so don't read it if you're eating, going to eat, just ate, or enjoy marshmallows.
When I was younger I had a couple of friends that I would hang out with fairly regularly in my neighborhood. My best friend out of all of these was a little guy named Klaus. He was a couple of years younger than me, but we were both into the same things (mainly guns) and we got along really well. Now he had a neighbor two houses down named Jason, and Jason... well, Jason was unique. He was a mix between a skater kid and a jock, and a bit of a douche, but he was fun to hang around from time to time so we let it slide. He used to think he was tough shit until he tried to push me around and I whooped the unholy hell out of his scrawny booty. That's another story for another time, though.
Well we had decided one night over the summer that we were going to throw up my tent in Klaus' backyard and sleep out there, because none of us had cars and we could never get taken anywhere to camp for real unless it was on a Boy Scout trip. So we walk our poor asses down to the grocery store about a block away and pool together our cheddar to buy a 3-Liter bottle of Mountain Dew knockoff called Country Gold (Store brand, but man that stuff was really good) and some marshmallows. Nevermind the fact that we couldn't start a fire to cook anything, because the next door neighbor in between Klaus and Jason's house was a complete harpy and would oftentimes yell at us in the middle of the night if we were too rowdy/noisy/what the fuck ever. She also had this tiny little dog that would run around and try to hump your leg and she yelled at you if you even stepped toe in her yard at all, be it retrieving a ball or just skitting the corner walking to the alley. One time she was sitting out back when a couple of us were playing and I was running and stumbled and instead of faceplanting on her gravel driveway, I caught myself and took a few steps into her yard to stop myself and she raised hell at me and started walking towards me and yelling at me for walking on her yard and blah blah blah. It gets a little faint from there because I had tuned out the sound of bitch from that point on.
Anyway, we're sleeping outside (or not sleeping, it's always hard to when you're camping. Mainly sitting around and talking and running around the neighborhood when it's dead outside.) Klaus runs in his house to go to the bathroom. Jason zips the tent back up and before I know it he's giggling like a madman. I look over to see what is so funny and Jason has pulled his pants down and his inserting marshmallows into his asshole with the shaft of a marker.
Yeah, you read that right.
I ask him what the fuck he's doing and he giggles and tells me he's gonna pull them out and put them back in the bag and give them to Klaus. Now Jason was always a bit mean to Klaus so this was nothing out of the ordinary so I just kind of sighed a bit and tried to ignore him shoving marshmallows up his booty right in front of me. He just kept pounding them in there. He even asked me if I'd man the marker. I respectfully declined.
Eventually he decided he had enough marshmallows up his butt and pulled them out and put them back in the bag and sealed it back up. Klaus came back and we told him that we were finished with the marshmallows and he could have the rest. He was a very pop flyin' boy. I was not. I seen some shit that night.
Next day in the daylight, Klaus started eating marshmallows. Jason started giggling again and I groaned and hid my eyes. But not before I saw a brown spot on a marshmallow that Klaus was oblivious to as he popped it into his mouth. Jason completely lost it at this point and explained to Klaus that he had been eating marshmallows that he had shoved up his butt with a marker. Klaus promptly spat them out and punched Jason right in the cod.
We found out a few years later that Jason was gay, confirming our suspicions. I've never looked at marshmallows the same way again.
Last edited by Dimm on Thu May 27, 2010 1:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
[img]http://i.imgur.com/mev1N.png[/img]
-
Tall-Hatted Yanimae
- Posts: 9701
- Joined: Thu Jan 22, 2009 2:32 am
- Location: Traveling the World
- Contact:
You'd think I'd have learned by now.
Chapter 13: In which Dimm is an evil man
So I'm not sure if I've ever really spoke about it on this forum but I love driving. I love the act of driving, be it a car, motorcycle, boat, whatever. I always have a lot of fun with it, I'd like to think I'm pretty good at it, and it's one of my favorite things to do.
HOWEVER.
I typically get very angry when I drive. Not exactly road-rage type anger, but more like "That was really retarded, why did they do that" anger. This stems from one of these events.
I was on my way home from Torizo's house one night and I had pulled off of the interstate at the exit near my house and was going down a two lane, one directional road. I was in the right lane and I noticed that up ahead the right lane was closed for a small stretch, so I turned on my signal to get over. Well see, there are these concrete dividers in this stretch of road right in the center at some places. They purportedly put them in to slow down the traffic but all it really does is break people's wheels and all that jazz when they run into them. My signals on, I look over my left shoulder and as soon as I start to merge left, this yellow rice-rocket honda behind me shoots over without his turn signal and cuts me off. I had to hit the breaks to avoid the concrete divider, the lane ending, and his car all in one fell swoop. I wait for him to fly past and then I get over, cursing like a sailor. He promptly gets back in the right lane and I am in the left. I try to get back over in the right lane, as I have a turn to make soon, and he starts to block me. I slow down and he slows down, I speed up and he speeds up. He's driving right beside me so I can't get over.
This makes my blood boil. He's doing this for no reason other than to be a dick.
I gun it to try and floor around him and he pushes with me, we end up getting to about 50 miles per hour on a 25mph stretch of road. I slow down as a red light is coming up and so does he. We both end up first cars at the light, nothing but clear road ahead of us, and my turn one block ahead.
Now lets take this time to mention what I was driving. I was driving a 1993 Buick Skylark, which is a pretty decent car but nothing that can stand next to some tuned-up ricer. I catch something out of the corner of my eye and hatch a plan. An evil plan.
I look over to the guy in the ricer car and start revving my engine. This is a pitiful rev, it's a relatively small car. He laughs and revs his engine up really high, whining and whirring. I rev mine up just a little bit. Light turns green, and he takes off like a bat out of hell. I drive normally. He flies down the road probably hitting close to 60.
Right past a conveniently placed radar checkpoint.
I have never seen a cop turn his lights on faster to chase down that idiot. I drove past where he got pulled over and slowed a bit to laugh at him some more. About a block down the road I was laughing so hard I had to pull off and sit there for a second because I bodaciously could not hold the wheel because I was laughing so hard I was crying.
I drove the rest of the way home an accomplished man.
Chapter 13: In which Dimm is an evil man
So I'm not sure if I've ever really spoke about it on this forum but I love driving. I love the act of driving, be it a car, motorcycle, boat, whatever. I always have a lot of fun with it, I'd like to think I'm pretty good at it, and it's one of my favorite things to do.
HOWEVER.
I typically get very angry when I drive. Not exactly road-rage type anger, but more like "That was really retarded, why did they do that" anger. This stems from one of these events.
I was on my way home from Torizo's house one night and I had pulled off of the interstate at the exit near my house and was going down a two lane, one directional road. I was in the right lane and I noticed that up ahead the right lane was closed for a small stretch, so I turned on my signal to get over. Well see, there are these concrete dividers in this stretch of road right in the center at some places. They purportedly put them in to slow down the traffic but all it really does is break people's wheels and all that jazz when they run into them. My signals on, I look over my left shoulder and as soon as I start to merge left, this yellow rice-rocket honda behind me shoots over without his turn signal and cuts me off. I had to hit the breaks to avoid the concrete divider, the lane ending, and his car all in one fell swoop. I wait for him to fly past and then I get over, cursing like a sailor. He promptly gets back in the right lane and I am in the left. I try to get back over in the right lane, as I have a turn to make soon, and he starts to block me. I slow down and he slows down, I speed up and he speeds up. He's driving right beside me so I can't get over.
This makes my blood boil. He's doing this for no reason other than to be a dick.
I gun it to try and floor around him and he pushes with me, we end up getting to about 50 miles per hour on a 25mph stretch of road. I slow down as a red light is coming up and so does he. We both end up first cars at the light, nothing but clear road ahead of us, and my turn one block ahead.
Now lets take this time to mention what I was driving. I was driving a 1993 Buick Skylark, which is a pretty decent car but nothing that can stand next to some tuned-up ricer. I catch something out of the corner of my eye and hatch a plan. An evil plan.
I look over to the guy in the ricer car and start revving my engine. This is a pitiful rev, it's a relatively small car. He laughs and revs his engine up really high, whining and whirring. I rev mine up just a little bit. Light turns green, and he takes off like a bat out of hell. I drive normally. He flies down the road probably hitting close to 60.
Right past a conveniently placed radar checkpoint.
I have never seen a cop turn his lights on faster to chase down that idiot. I drove past where he got pulled over and slowed a bit to laugh at him some more. About a block down the road I was laughing so hard I had to pull off and sit there for a second because I bodaciously could not hold the wheel because I was laughing so hard I was crying.
I drove the rest of the way home an accomplished man.
[img]http://i.imgur.com/mev1N.png[/img]
-
Tall-Hatted Yanimae
- Posts: 9701
- Joined: Thu Jan 22, 2009 2:32 am
- Location: Traveling the World
- Contact: