Uncle Dimm's Storytime Extravaganza
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Superior Bacon
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- Location: alcoholism, oregon
Chapter 9: In which I learn a terrible secret about Derek.
Okay guys, this story is rated a little more mature than my previous stories. I know I have a filthy mouth but this story is just kind of fucked up. So if you have any aversion to reading about penises or have any parents reading over your shoulder that might frown upon that sort of thing, I suggest you skip over this one. Also skip over if you have one and you're squeamish about anything happening to it.
...
Still with me? Cool. Now the title up above pretty much sums everything up. One night, back in high school, when we were partying like I mentioned before, Derek and I were sitting around on the back patio with a bunch of people just hanging around. As far as I know there wasn't much drinking going on this time, I was just sitting around because I didn't have anything better to do and hanging around Derek is always a fun time (Like the time we all got chased down by black guys or the drunk guy when we were car running, but another story.)
Now Derek was telling us about the last time he was stoned and how he had decided that he wanted to try something because he saw pictures of it one time. Hearing that line alone should have tipped us off to what he was about to tell us because this is Derek and if he doesn't go all out he doesn't do anything at all. So then he calmly tells us that he.. ah, pierced... yeah he pierced his own dong. Himself. With safety pins. I got a little squeamish but the girls sitting across the patio called bullshit on him so he says "What do you want me to whip it out." Immediately I shout "No Derek we don't want you to whip it ou- oh god put that thing away" as I look towards the sky and he starts flapping around. Now like I said last time Derek weighs a good 350-400 pounds so the girls are all like "oh god" and I'm like "oh god" and he finally tucks it back under his fat and I think the case was closed.
I ended up going upstairs to B's room and crashed on his futon after I read a couple chapters in the Tom Clancy book I was reading at the time. It was after midnight and I was real tired. I slept well, uneventful. But never knowing of what would happen when I woke up.
Sunlight. Morning greets my eyes as I stir awake, rolling on the futon to face the door and sit up when my eyes unblur and I see Derek standing in the doorway naked from the waist down standing a few feet away from me. I instantly recoil and almost leap backwards out the window before shouting "DEREK WHAT THE FUCK MAN PUT SOME PANTS ON" And he's screaming 'NO MAN LOOK I REALLY PIERCED IT" and I'm screaming "OH GOD MAKE THE PAIN STOP COME TO ME SWEET DEATH oh god wait you really pierced it jesus christ." Because here stands a 400 pound man with two safety pins through his penis right in front of me and I leap off of the futon and grab a blanket and throw it to him telling him to hide the sausage because I don't want to see it. This is the most horrifying experience I have ever had and I cannot convey this to you in mere words alone so you'll just have to make due with mental pictures.
I immediately go downstairs, take some tylenol for my now aching head from where I banged it on the wall screeching in horror and sitting down on the couch to absorb what just happened to me. Derek then walks down the stairs whistling, with pants this time, thankfully.
And then to tell him to never do that again, I slapped him in the nards with a pool cue. I don't ever want to wake up to that again.
Okay guys, this story is rated a little more mature than my previous stories. I know I have a filthy mouth but this story is just kind of fucked up. So if you have any aversion to reading about penises or have any parents reading over your shoulder that might frown upon that sort of thing, I suggest you skip over this one. Also skip over if you have one and you're squeamish about anything happening to it.
...
Still with me? Cool. Now the title up above pretty much sums everything up. One night, back in high school, when we were partying like I mentioned before, Derek and I were sitting around on the back patio with a bunch of people just hanging around. As far as I know there wasn't much drinking going on this time, I was just sitting around because I didn't have anything better to do and hanging around Derek is always a fun time (Like the time we all got chased down by black guys or the drunk guy when we were car running, but another story.)
Now Derek was telling us about the last time he was stoned and how he had decided that he wanted to try something because he saw pictures of it one time. Hearing that line alone should have tipped us off to what he was about to tell us because this is Derek and if he doesn't go all out he doesn't do anything at all. So then he calmly tells us that he.. ah, pierced... yeah he pierced his own dong. Himself. With safety pins. I got a little squeamish but the girls sitting across the patio called bullshit on him so he says "What do you want me to whip it out." Immediately I shout "No Derek we don't want you to whip it ou- oh god put that thing away" as I look towards the sky and he starts flapping around. Now like I said last time Derek weighs a good 350-400 pounds so the girls are all like "oh god" and I'm like "oh god" and he finally tucks it back under his fat and I think the case was closed.
I ended up going upstairs to B's room and crashed on his futon after I read a couple chapters in the Tom Clancy book I was reading at the time. It was after midnight and I was real tired. I slept well, uneventful. But never knowing of what would happen when I woke up.
Sunlight. Morning greets my eyes as I stir awake, rolling on the futon to face the door and sit up when my eyes unblur and I see Derek standing in the doorway naked from the waist down standing a few feet away from me. I instantly recoil and almost leap backwards out the window before shouting "DEREK WHAT THE FUCK MAN PUT SOME PANTS ON" And he's screaming 'NO MAN LOOK I REALLY PIERCED IT" and I'm screaming "OH GOD MAKE THE PAIN STOP COME TO ME SWEET DEATH oh god wait you really pierced it jesus christ." Because here stands a 400 pound man with two safety pins through his penis right in front of me and I leap off of the futon and grab a blanket and throw it to him telling him to hide the sausage because I don't want to see it. This is the most horrifying experience I have ever had and I cannot convey this to you in mere words alone so you'll just have to make due with mental pictures.
I immediately go downstairs, take some tylenol for my now aching head from where I banged it on the wall screeching in horror and sitting down on the couch to absorb what just happened to me. Derek then walks down the stairs whistling, with pants this time, thankfully.
And then to tell him to never do that again, I slapped him in the nards with a pool cue. I don't ever want to wake up to that again.
[img]http://i.imgur.com/mev1N.png[/img]
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Superior Bacon
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Tall-Hatted Yanimae
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