Red Dead Redemption, such a fun and overall epic game. You play as John Marston, a former gunslinger, and basically a former juggalo. He settled down with a different juggalo (who apparently slept with everyone in the godamn gang) and bought a small piece of unfertile land. Despite trying to sell himself off as a "farmer" John Marston only has 15 cows and 3 horses IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING GAME. Though this isn't a farming game so I don't blame him.
He is sent on a train with a mysterious mission to kill some guy for some reason and he is currently at some place. At the beggining of the game you know jack shit about jack shit. You know less than nothing. You are shot. You are saved by some lesbian-esque blonde bimbo who owns a ranch and constantly mocks your pitiful intelligence. I then rob her bank and kill her deputies. Because I'm a badass.
JEEZ YOO SURE ARE DUMM MR. MARSTON
:iconsaysplz: FUCK YOU BITCH I'MMA SHOOT UP YER CATTLE. So after doing a bunch of bullshit oddjobs at the ranch, you decide to get back to what you were supposed to do, and actually catch this guy who you were sent to kill for some reason. When you get to the marshall, he basically says "Fuck you kid you're on your own it's not my problem."
"How about I help you you help me, big boi?"Now sadly they didn't give you a minigame where you have to have hot gay sex with the fat marshall, but instead you go and break up some shit that's being started at a bar. AWESOME!... right? Yes, actually! You chase a guy on horse as you and the marshall have a riveting chat about POLOTICS. FUCKIN' AWESOME, RIGHT?
So long story short you find the guy and shoot some shit up. You do some more oddjobs untilll-
OH YEY REMEMBER THAT ONE GUY WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HUNTING DOWN? OH YEAH NOW WE CAN DO THAT BY TALKING TO A CROOK WHO SELLS SNAKE OIL AND SAYS THAT IT'LL MAKE YOUR DONG BIGGER.
So he gets you some information while you dick around with him and make some empty threats while saying "YER WASTIN' MAH TIME, BETCH". Finally he gives you two contacts: An irishman named... uh, Irish... and Seth, a complete fucking psychopath.
Me, being retarded, chose to do Seth first. So I go to this old rotting boarded up chapel, and I see this malnourished bipolar dick-hole robbing graves. After doing some random shit I realize that this is the douchebubble that's going to get me past those 7-foot high ADOBE walls where my target is hiding. Oh yeah did I mention that the insides are made out of wood and that there are molotov cocktails in the game? YEAH WE COULDA JUST HOPPED THE BORDER INTO MEXICO AND GOTTEN SOME, YOU JACKWAGONS.
So I follow this asshole and we finally find some treasure, which happens to not be treasure but instead some mushy "treasure" some douchebag claimed to be riches and fame. My first reaction was: "Shit seth you wasted your entire life of being a misanthropic asshole to find riches and this is what you get? ...HAHA"
Then I get to this asshole named irish. Big news: HE'S A DRUNK! YHEY! So after him leading me into a trap :iconackbarplz:, he promises me a chaingun. "OH cool! this will be fun, amirite?" He takes me to a mining facility and (big news) the asshole makes me take on an entire bandit hideout by myself. Thank god I drank that (not so) bullshit snake oil, because now I can slow down time and target multiple people in the head and shoot them all within 5 seconds. Snake Oil - grants superpowers.
So after that I get a minigun! ...sort of. After I go through the mineshaft (hugging the cart while shooting explosives- BECAUSE I'M A MAN) I find out that the minigun DOESN'T FUCKING WORK. THANKS IRISH, YOU BASTARD. So finally we do get the parts and ammo to take down a small country. BECAUSE AN ADOBE HIDEOUT IS TOTALLY GOING TO BE HARD TO INFILTRATE, SURE THE BIPOLAR MALNOURISHED DICKFACE OVER THERE IS ABLE TO GET IN BUT HELL NO, WE CAN'T.
So finally we manage to get inside the place. I GUN DOWN A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WITH A MINIGUN (which by the way really isn't as effective as a fucking repeater)
Repeaters and pistols are for pussies, I USE MINIGUNS MOTHERFUCKERS.So after clearing out the place I find a cutscene. One of the deputies (I forgot if it was the stupid one or the fat one) comes saying that "there must be HUNDREDS of them! After gunning them down with a minigun once more, I actually went through with COUNTING the bodies, and there were only about 23 confirmed kills.
I guess that all 100 didn't all just come for me. So after a while we find out the guy we've been hunting for some 12 hours hopped the border to mexico. I would assume it was while I was on the run from some asshole treasure hunters while Seth was picking through dead bodies.
So I hop the border into mexico with irish on the river mexicans swim across to get to america, and find that mexico is very.... Mexico sucks. There's rocks, dirt, and all these dirty fucking banditos keep stealing my A-grade horse.
Mexican: "YO CAPRON, SOME HELP OVER HERE?"
"Sure, what'ya need help with part-"Mexican: *jacks horse* "YO CAPRON, YOU ES A PUTO GRINGO LOLOLOL"
"You little bitch-" *whips out gun, shoots off horse, hogties and then brutally kicks and beats to fucking DEATH*So I partake in a different mexican revolution with a DIFFERENT complete asshole, and I get the perps. Then I find out it's time to go back to home sweet home. I also find out that the government took my wife and kid and that I had to break up my gang to repay my debt to society for the government. I spend the rest of my game hunting down my leader, dutch. Dutch gives me some wisdom and I think to myself on what he really means, and see that this game also makes you confront yourself in real life. I find this to be badass.
By the way, all throughout this I meet a guy in a tophat riding a donkey who knows me. There are many theories as to why this man exists, but at the final part he finds a hill over my farm and says "yes, this place will do just fine." I personally think this asshole is death.
So I killed the perp and saved my wife and kid! They were... in luxury. God, I'm a dick.
So eventually I end up doing SOME MORE RANCH ODDJOBS, and the loving conclusion of this story comes. John Marston kills some 20-50 people from the army and his (drunk asshole of) an uncle dies on his front porch. John and his son, jack, go for a mad dash into the barn, to get the horses ready for the escape. Jack and John's loving whore-juggalo-wife, Abagail, go riding off on a horse.
So now comes the badass part. You take your 6 shooter out and you are FUCKING READY to kill everyone outside your barn waiting to shoot. This is your heroic stand, this is where you save the day, this is where you end this spaghetti western badassery by saving the ranch and saying "fuck you" right in the face of the government. You step out the barn doors and immediately go into dead-eye mode. You shoot for the head and-
Dead eye mode cuts off, SHIT! We think, "I just need to duck and reloa-"
Before you can say that the one-eyed trouser snake bit you in the booty, whoever is left guns you down, filling you full of lead.
"Shit! I knew I should have used the Winchester repeater, which has 10 shots, instead of my fucking six-shooter"So you lay there, dying in front of the barn. The army shoots you down. The two government dick-faces who made you kill off your gang. They say nothing, and they light up a cigar.
You now take control of jack, riding on horseback running away from the scene. You hear the gunshots and (for some reason) head back. With no army around him, spitting and pissing on John Marston's corpse, you scream "PA!" and became incredibly depressed as your mom get's all teary eyed.
Cut 20 years later and you see your father, mothers, and uncle's graves right where death-the-dick said "yes, this'll be a nice place". I shedded a tear at the thought of JohnMarston, the most awesome fucking badass the gaming world ever seen (matched only by clint eastwood) died. I then see Jack Marston walking off into the sunset, and I become sad over a video game. I'm a pussy, and a badass at the same time.
"Or maybe I could have just sneaked out the back of the barn and called my horse."BUT HERE'S MY ACTUAL EVALUATION OF THE GAME.
I fucking loved this game, I loved every godamn second of it. From the hunting-skinning to the random events to robbing banks to the moral system to the fact that you can be a total fucking badass. There were countless hours of gameplay outside of the story missions (which in itself were pretty long and overall enjoyable), an overall decent storyline, and all the characters may have been total assholes, but they were still fun to look at. It was indeed a spaghetti western shooter. And I loved every second of it.
A short list of "Cool shit to do~"
CRIMINAL:
Rob banks
Rob people
Play at poker, lose it all, get PO'd and kill everyone at the table (yet not get your cheddar back)
Rob a train (though the only thing you can actually do is kill everyone on the train and loot their bodies
Try and destroy an entire town, burning down the buildings and all.
Hogtie someone in town and try to see how long it takes for someone to bust you for it as you carry them across town.
Shoot someone in the legs and then mercilessly beat them to death by kicking them in the gut until they finally die.
HERO:
Rescue hookers and refuse to get a free session
Take bounties alive
Go on nightwatch missions and be a hero to all
prevent horsejackings
Be a goodie guy on everything.
THINGS I FUCKING RAGED ABOUT:
Bears.... you guys are assholes. I'm just happily walking through the forest, looking for a random even to come up, AND YOU ASSHOLES COME UP AND GIVE ME BEAR AIDS. I couldn't fucking hear you coming up about to rape the shit out of me, and when I realize that you're THREE FUCKING FEET AWAY FROM ME, I pull out my gun and try to shoot you. HOLY SHIT, THREE GODAMN HITS TO THE FACE ISN'T ENOUGH TO PUT THIS MUMMA GRIZZLY DOW-
and I'm dead.
AND IF I'M NOT DEAD, your friends, the two or three OTHER fucking bears (presumably jerking off behind a tree) come to rape the shit out of me WHILE I AM SKINNING YOU.
Same things happen with cougars.
This game is worth the price. over 48 hours of fun. Though I wouldn't blame you if you decide to wait until it drops to 50 dollars.
