Due to an accident last night, I am now Santa. AMA.

[Kamak]

So apparently The Santa Clause with Tim Allen was more of a documentary or "based on a true story" than once thought. After accidentally capturing Santa in a death trap that was merely meant to stun him, I have now taken his place in casting judgement across the children of the world with my black velvet gloved hands. So I figured this would be a good time to ask Santa any questions you may have. Also keep in mind if you are naughty in this thread I can snap my fingers to replace your gift with like, a dozen copies of Frozen for DS. Seem to have a lot of them in the bag...

Currently finishing up the West Coast, may not respond right away. So much organic coal...

Christmas Thread. Post gifts, stories, and share unfunny waste of space, time and resources as usual.

[Airra]

Why don't you ever bring me snow?!

Mer' Chri'mas.

[Valbrandur]

I didn't get a lifesize cardboard cutout of Nicolas Cage.

Christmas is ruined.

[Fordicon98]

I needed that coal for warming my house and all you gave me was gift cards

asshole

I had gotten my sister Pokemon Moon as a gift but then my cousins got me Pokemon Sun, so now we own both versions. More importantly, I got some super high quality pajama pants, never taking these off unless I will bodaciously die if I do not and even then I will challenge the claim.

[Cori]

Thanks for the 5tb external harddrive santa

[D-vid]

Who's a good boy? I need to know!

[Cori]

Who's a good boy? I need to know!

[DarkSurfer]

wheres my easter basket motherfucker

[Airra]

I had to pretend to be able to socialize for three hours. Went to a Chinese restaurant with food that was too sweet for my preferences. Turns out that Ba Ba Black Sheep, Mary had a Little Lamb, and Wheels on the Bus are Christmas songs, according to the restaurant speakers.

[Exeres]

I want a Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle.

[Cori]

A real blue-steeled beauty

[DarkSurfer]

I want a Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle.

youll shoot your eye out, kid

[Soapbar]

I got Infinite Warfare, a full wood Chess Set, a book on Chess, two other books and lots of sweatpants

[Kamak]

Why don't you ever bring me snow?!

Mer' Chri'mas.

Because you live in Hell. Snowball's chance and all that. I'm not a miracle worker.

I didn't get a lifesize cardboard cutout of Nicolas Cage.

Christmas is ruined.

I gave you the real Nick Cage. Didn't you get him? I hope he didn't escape again...

I needed that coal for warming my house and all you gave me was gift cards

asshole

According to the 1918 Santa Statute, if someone is naughty and asks for coal or is being naughty for the purpose of coal, Santa has the right to substitute something else instead as appropriate "punishment gift"

So enjoy $15 at Taco Bell (Live Mas!)

Thanks for the 5tb external harddrive santa

Now you have plenty of room for all those bear selfies.

Who's a good boy? I need to know!

Fewer and fewer people each year it seems, but the full list would likely exceed text limitations and would cause what we call in the Santa business "unfair advantage" in finding out who is nice. You could end up bullying them or copying their actions to appear nice. That being said there's about 2 billion nice listers and 1 billion naughty listers. Anyone not listed is neutral or a non-believer. The Santa lore is deep.

Who's a good boy? I need to know!

You're on my Third List.

wheres my easter basket motherfucker

8 months in the past. Or since you seem to not have found yours, it's still probably hidden. Go quest for it. Just don't eat any eggs from the basket.

I want a Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle.

With a thing that tells time? Because we ran out of them. Back ordered on Amazon for 2 weeks. Also can your dad come fix my furnace.

youll shoot your eye out, kid

This is a myth propagated by the fake Santa in that movie to be anti-Red Rider air rifle. Probably by a rival company or a parent coalition. I can guarantee that children will be fine with these rifles.

Also legally I must inform you that this opinion is not legally binding and has nothing to do with my sponsorship by LensCrafters.

Anyways I will return after a slumber. I somehow ate a literal ton of cookies without gaining weight. Not sure if I should be worried.

[The Nightman]