Welcome to GOAT VERSUS, a Goat experience guaranteed to contain exactly 10% of your daily recommended allowance of goat.
GOAT FACT: Goat is the seventh piece of the food pyramid at 10 servings a day; scientists hide this fact because they fear goat. Scientists are right.
Today will be a purely scientific study of the goat. Observe the common behavior of the goat. The average goat lives a quiet life, ambling between grazing in the grass or resting peacefully in the sun. Occasionally, goats may interact with objects in their environment as a form of play. The goat's only constant behavior is giving absolutely zero shits. Observe the shits it does not give.
Here is a goat not giving a shit about a watermelon.
Pictured here, a goat completely and utterly not giving a shit about some boxes.
Our goat lives a peaceful life in his enclosure, undisturbed by- GREAT GRANDMA GOATRUDE IS THAT ANOTHER GOAT
GOAT THE FUCK OUT
GOAT RAMPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE
I will abide no other goats in my goat-yard. Here I reign SUPREME. But is it enough for me to simply exile him from the goatyard. No. An example must be made.
Come along, other goat. I have something in mind for you.
A quick trip to a nearby street gets Other Goat in place for his fate. His broken body will lie here immobile until-
Wait
Hold on
HE"S ESCAPING TO THE SIDE
Bastard actually made it off the street. Tenacious, I'll give him that.
I will also give him a FACE FULL OF TRUCK.
GOAT-ALITY
With my rival now smeared along a large portion of main street, I can return to my goatyard in peace.
Got da grass all to myself, awwwwwww yeaaaaaaaah.
Who's this asshole.
He ain't a goat, but still.
GOAT THE FUCK OUT
Better survey the Goatyard for any additional interference.
Might be easier if I didn't have a GIANT-booty TREE blocking half my view.
GOAT FACT: Goats do not have X-Ray vision. The only thing they can see through is your soul.
Despite the tree, I do have a pretty nice form up-
Wait a minute.
Some hillbilly's doing donuts in the field next door, ruining my perfect view.
GOAT WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS
Go-go-goat!
Like a lioness stalking her prey, I disappear into tall grass, stealthily approaching to pounce.
SURPRISE, YOU MOONSHINE CHUGGING RESULT OF SEVEN GENERATIONS OF INCEST
Oh no
Oh geez
GOAT FACT: Goats know exactly one word of English. That word is "Revenge".
I can see that it's a fight fire with fire situation. I'll have to get a car of my own. This can't be too hard.
GOAT FACT: Goats cannot drive.
Well.
It's still MOST of a car.
I shall take it to battle regardless.
Here we come, you father of your sister.
Oh no
Oh geez
Well, fighting violence with violence didn't work.
Clearly I must fight violence with BIGGER VIOLENCE.
GOAT FACT: Goats have not learned to drive since last Goat Fact.
It'll have to do!
Long story short: It didn't do. There goes my nike sponsorship.
Defeated three times, my resolve nearly wavers. Violence and Bigger Violence have failed me. There is only one thing left to do.
I must make the pilgrimage. I must invoke the wisdom of the ancestors. I must go...
TO GOATHENGE
Conveniently located just off Main Street, Keychains for sale at the front desk.
Here among the standing stones of the ancients, I pray for guidance, invoking the spirits with the traditional cry.
BAA
The ancestors have spoken! Violence and Bigger Violence have failed me. I must use our most sacred weapon.
Biggest violence!
Tastes like Doom. And dirt.
HEAVEN OR HELL, SON OF YOUR BROTHER.
GOAT
THE FUCK
OUT
Goat stands victorious yet again. All is right with the world.
My view is now free of inbred hicks, although it now has three ruined cars and a slighty-used ancient goat weapon.
Eh, I can handle it.
Now I think I'll check out what's behind that tree.
Oh you've goat to be kidding me
blasphemer
I know just how to deal with this.
He's coming with me.
It's just a short trip down the road.
But where we're goating, we won't need roads.
GOAT FACT: Goats can use ladders, and this exactly how they do it.
White Goat is just hanging around.
Haha, puns.
After an entirely uninteresting ladder sequence, I reach the summit. Seriously, the climb was boring. (I swear to god I did not drop White Goat seven times trying to get up.)
GOAT FACT: Mander totally dropped White Goat seven times trying to get up there.
Who's this asshole anyway.
Goat the fuck out.
Now where were we...
Ah yes.
Long live the king
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
That's one dead goat, yep.
I come home to a Goat Tower distinctly free of White Goat.
The view's pretty good, even from this angle.
Well, everything checks out. No one to share the goatyard with, and most importantly...
No one to discover the SECRET TUNNEL
THE END
pop flyin' April First, folks. Remember to re-read this nine more times for 100% your daily dose of Goat.
