GOAT VERSUS: A Goat LP

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Mr. Mander
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GOAT VERSUS: A Goat LP

Post by Mr. Mander »

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Welcome to GOAT VERSUS, a Goat experience guaranteed to contain exactly 10% of your daily recommended allowance of goat.

GOAT FACT: Goat is the seventh piece of the food pyramid at 10 servings a day; scientists hide this fact because they fear goat. Scientists are right.

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Today will be a purely scientific study of the goat. Observe the common behavior of the goat. The average goat lives a quiet life, ambling between grazing in the grass or resting peacefully in the sun. Occasionally, goats may interact with objects in their environment as a form of play. The goat's only constant behavior is giving absolutely zero shits. Observe the shits it does not give.

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Here is a goat not giving a shit about a watermelon.

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Pictured here, a goat completely and utterly not giving a shit about some boxes.

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Our goat lives a peaceful life in his enclosure, undisturbed by- GREAT GRANDMA GOATRUDE IS THAT ANOTHER GOAT

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GOAT THE FUCK OUT

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GOAT RAMPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE

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I will abide no other goats in my goat-yard. Here I reign SUPREME. But is it enough for me to simply exile him from the goatyard. No. An example must be made.

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Come along, other goat. I have something in mind for you.

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A quick trip to a nearby street gets Other Goat in place for his fate. His broken body will lie here immobile until-

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Wait

Hold on

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HE"S ESCAPING TO THE SIDE

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Bastard actually made it off the street. Tenacious, I'll give him that.

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I will also give him a FACE FULL OF TRUCK.

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GOAT-ALITY

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With my rival now smeared along a large portion of main street, I can return to my goatyard in peace.

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Got da grass all to myself, awwwwwww yeaaaaaaaah.

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Who's this asshole.

He ain't a goat, but still.

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GOAT THE FUCK OUT

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Better survey the Goatyard for any additional interference.

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Might be easier if I didn't have a GIANT-booty TREE blocking half my view.

GOAT FACT: Goats do not have X-Ray vision. The only thing they can see through is your soul.

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Despite the tree, I do have a pretty nice form up-

Wait a minute.

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Some hillbilly's doing donuts in the field next door, ruining my perfect view.

GOAT WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS

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Go-go-goat!

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Like a lioness stalking her prey, I disappear into tall grass, stealthily approaching to pounce.

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SURPRISE, YOU MOONSHINE CHUGGING RESULT OF SEVEN GENERATIONS OF INCEST

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Oh no

Oh geez

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GOAT FACT: Goats know exactly one word of English. That word is "Revenge".

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I can see that it's a fight fire with fire situation. I'll have to get a car of my own. This can't be too hard.

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GOAT FACT: Goats cannot drive.

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Well.

It's still MOST of a car.

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I shall take it to battle regardless.

Here we come, you father of your sister.

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Oh no

Oh geez

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Well, fighting violence with violence didn't work.

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Clearly I must fight violence with BIGGER VIOLENCE.

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GOAT FACT: Goats have not learned to drive since last Goat Fact.

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It'll have to do!

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Long story short: It didn't do. There goes my nike sponsorship.

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Defeated three times, my resolve nearly wavers. Violence and Bigger Violence have failed me. There is only one thing left to do.

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I must make the pilgrimage. I must invoke the wisdom of the ancestors. I must go...

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TO GOATHENGE

Conveniently located just off Main Street, Keychains for sale at the front desk.

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Here among the standing stones of the ancients, I pray for guidance, invoking the spirits with the traditional cry.

BAA

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The ancestors have spoken! Violence and Bigger Violence have failed me. I must use our most sacred weapon.

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Biggest violence!

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Tastes like Doom. And dirt.

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HEAVEN OR HELL, SON OF YOUR BROTHER.

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GOAT

THE FUCK

OUT

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Goat stands victorious yet again. All is right with the world.

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My view is now free of inbred hicks, although it now has three ruined cars and a slighty-used ancient goat weapon.

Eh, I can handle it.

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Now I think I'll check out what's behind that tree.

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Oh you've goat to be kidding me

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blasphemer

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I know just how to deal with this.

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He's coming with me.

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It's just a short trip down the road.

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But where we're goating, we won't need roads.

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GOAT FACT: Goats can use ladders, and this exactly how they do it.

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White Goat is just hanging around.

Haha, puns.

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After an entirely uninteresting ladder sequence, I reach the summit. Seriously, the climb was boring. (I swear to god I did not drop White Goat seven times trying to get up.)

GOAT FACT: Mander totally dropped White Goat seven times trying to get up there.

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Who's this asshole anyway.

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Goat the fuck out.

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Now where were we...

Ah yes.

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Long live the king

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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

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That's one dead goat, yep.

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I come home to a Goat Tower distinctly free of White Goat.

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The view's pretty good, even from this angle.

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Well, everything checks out. No one to share the goatyard with, and most importantly...

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No one to discover the SECRET TUNNEL

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THE END

pop flyin' April First, folks. Remember to re-read this nine more times for 100% your daily dose of Goat.

Tatzel
Tatzel "Tatzel Freeman" Freeman
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Re: GOAT VERSUS: A Goat LP

Post by Tatzel »

A+, goat read, goat thread

goat

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Doormaster
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Re: GOAT VERSUS: A Goat LP

Post by Doormaster »

today I learned the true meaning of goat

Barabba
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I almost got gored

Post by Barabba »

Psssshhhh, y'all don't know nothing about goats. I had to fight off an entire family of goats one time. There was lots of head butting and kneeing goats in the face.
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殺殺殺殺殺殺殺

electronic goat
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Re: GOAT VERSUS: A Goat LP

Post by electronic goat »

reminds me of motherland. i cry tear. reported for triggering. 10/10
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SaintCrazy
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Re: GOAT VERSUS: A Goat LP

Post by SaintCrazy »

Truly, this is a god among goats.
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↑ Let's kick the beat. ♫ (shuffle for best results) ↑

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The Willow Witch
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Re: GOAT VERSUS: A Goat LP

Post by The Willow Witch »

blood for the goat god
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