AWKWARD ZOMBIE

I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say that you should probably be in a different program if you're failing first year courses for the third time.

I failed three years of university as well. Shit sucks, and you might just need a break doing something else - work a job somewhere for a bit, travel, whatever. I ended up kicking around London for a year and the distance did me good. Since then I've even gone back and done another course I'm just finishing up now.

It's okay to not like where you're at. And it's okay to stop, and come back later, or not come back at all; whatever.

It's your life, man. There are no wrong choices.

I mean, I changed majors a gazillion times, here I am doing an extra semester for it. I get down about it at times but ultimately I just wanna find a job and move on with my life.

Failure is always an option I say, if it gets you somewhere. If that somewhere is 'school is dumb lets find a job already', well, nothing wrong with that.

Thanks a lot guys, I feel less anguished now ...

I don't even feel like a person anymore, just a purposeless thing. I don't feel like I have any sort of individualism.

I'm really unhappy with who I am, but making changes that I want to make would make everyone else I know unhappy. For example, I really, truly, sincerely hate college, and I want to be done with it, but then everyone will see me as a quitter and a person who gave up too easily. And they'll all wonder why, when I'm almost about to switch my major to something I said that I wanted to do, I've now decided I don't want to continue.

Despite how unhappy something might make others, I think its important for you to understand that you have to do what you can to empower yourself. If staying there doing something you feel you cannot do is hurting you that much, then I think it's time to at least look at alternatives. I had to take time away from classes for a year because I was backsliding so hard that I basically put myself in a position where, the more classes I took, the more I buried myself and made it impossible to succeed, even if I had started doing well. I got a job and worked for a year, then went to a specialty school for something I actually wanted to do and I was so much happier. It isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but for the first time in my life I feel like I'm actually accomplishing something. I told the people in my life how I was feeling and what I wanted to try to do and they helped me and supported me because they KNEW I wanted something out of life, and was willing to do what I could.

Basically, I would tell your family or whoever how you are feeling, and what you want to try to do. Tell them that you want to succeed and they will want to help you. You need to show that you're willing to work though.

One of my dearest friends, Kim, is having an issue with a few of her friends.

She recently had a birthday. For the few weeks prior, she often pulled aside various (close) friends and asked them to do something nice for her, because she'd never had a birthday that other people really played a role in. All of us were like "hell yeah you deserve a special birthday"

And then our friend Oliver's girlfriend Taylor heard about it, and decided she'd be the one to throw the surprise party: because both Oliver and Kim had birthdays within the week, she could throw them a dual-party. Kim was understandably kind of upset during the party because it wasn't at all the sort of event we had all wanted for her - Oliver's girlfriend was in charge, so naturally Kim was relegated to being the secondary focus.
So my best pal Doyle suggests we (basically Kim's closest friends sans Oliver, whom we don't want to drag away from his party) decide to skedaddle and take Kim out to eat.

((Side note: Before that, Taylor happens to find out that Kim is upset and crying. Doyle tells her the situation and asks her not to tell everyone else. First thing this piece of shit does? Announces it to the whole room.))

Ever since then, Taylor has been rustled off at Kim for her emotional response. As much as I can see why Taylor would be upset, she's handling it in just the worst possible way, confronting Kim and demanding an apology. Taylor is also trash-talking Kim at every chance she gets, overtly trying to turn Kim's friends against her (including me!), insisting she was Kim's closest friend last year (hint: Kim has never been very fond of her), and trying to use her depression as an excuse for being all-around totally shitty.

This girl is being positively reprehensible. We're in college, for fuck's sake.


Plus she's totally 100% being emotionally abusive towards our friend Oliver, and as much as I love the kid, he hasn't got a backbone. She'll steamroll him if he doesn't get out of it.

I rediscovered Tomska on youtube after not watching any of his stuff in a while. Then I realized he helped work on Eddsworld and it made me remember that Edd died and now I'm sad.

Depression is kinda like being trapped by your own brain.

"Hey lets do thing"

"no"

"k"

It's not happening as much lately thankfully... but I still sometimes get held back from having fun by a sudden feeling of "time is really precious and I'm using it poorly and also I'm really lazy and a drain on society and all of that shit and such and things in that category"

I'm slowly losing any sense of enjoyment for anything in my life. I'm just becoming more sad and angry every day.

Edit: I'm just going to keep going with this. I need to express my feelings to somebody and there's hardly anyone here at college who fucking cares at all. I hate college so much, I don't care about my classes anymore. I'm mostly just doing this still because I need a stable job to pay off $50,000+ in student loans after losing scholarships at this stupid school. I honestly want to drop out and just figure out who I am, but I can't. I can't just leave this stupid, stupid, awful part of my life behind me with no sense of direction. I'll lose everything that way, including the respect of my parents, if there's any of that left. I have absolutely no skills, nothing to set me apart from a single person on this entire planet. Everyone is better than me at something, and that's not saying much. I don't excel anywhere, even in the things I like to do. I just don't have the patience to master anything. My skill set includes getting very angry and whining to people on the Internet, who I frankly don't know even give a shit. I'm completely lonely and miserable and don't feel like I have support or any really close friends here. I feel like I just lost the best friend I've ever made here when he got married, and I feel like shit about that too, because I love him and I think his wife is great too, and I want them both to be pop flyin'. He keeps saying that just because he's married doesn't mean we can't still get together and hang out and talk like before, but I don't buy it. I can feel everything I cared about just becoming meaningless when none of it makes me pop flyin'. My pastimes are just distractions now while I try to forget that I hate my life. And I don't mean the teenage girl type of hating my life, I mean genuinely HATE it. And when things don't work out how I want in any way(I lose several matches in Smash Bros, my Internet goes out again, etc.), it pisses me off because I get snapped back into reality. I know how immature it is, and then I get even more angry at myself for getting angry at stupid things in the first place. Somehow I haven't given up hope of finding love, but I don't want to find someone right now because I'm afraid of becoming an abusive partner, even without intending to. No one deserves that. I'm also afraid of falling so far into my depression(although I'm not trying to self-diagnose) that I'll end up contemplating suicide. I just want to change almost every single part of my life, but I can't. Everyone tells me what I have to do and how I have to go about living my life, and I trust them every time. I can hardly say no to someone. I just agree to what anyone tells me, without a second thought. As a result, I don't feel like I even have independent thought, like I can't make my own decisions. I'm going to therapy, but I feel like I have too many problems to solve. Who could help such a complete mess with so many different, complex issues? And new ones are starting to emerge all the time. I've started eating out every day, sometimes twice a day, because I just don't give a single fuck anymore, which frightens me more than anything. I'm starting to not care about anything anymore, because none of it matters if my life is going to hell anyway. I want to care, and I know I have to care about something, but I just don't. And I'm also afraid that anyone reading this will just see this as a desperate attempt at getting attention or that I'm just being a baby and over-exaggerating or that I'm purposefully avoiding trying to fix my problems.

duuuuude talk to a doctory person.

I'm seeing a therapist. Sorry, I edited my post and mentioned that somewhere in that novel I wrote.

I see I seeeeee.
Weelllllllll, while it does take time, if you're looking for projects/productive things to do, I might have a suggestion that will help with your fast food problem as well: Try just learning how to cook new things. Things that you like. And then branch out to things you haven't tried, but sound interesting with easily available ingredients.
When you're cooking for just yourself, you have the advantage of being able to make small test batches until you figure out optimal processes for recipes. When I was having my really bad slump for about a month during the summer, I would usually find some reprieve and fulfillment from cooking, because each meal is a short-term, low-risk project, and I get a tangible, and functional result. Plus, then you can eventually be the cool guy who knows how to actually cook for himself (and possibly other people, yeah?) instead of surviving on ramen and big macs like all the other college kids.

I mean, it's possible that this is just a me thing and won't work so well for you. But I figure it's worth a shot to mention it.