AWKWARD ZOMBIE

I broke up with Sailor Moon today. We just wanted different things out of the relationship. Kinda sucks, but I guess I'll live. It was on good terms at least.

I realised yesterday that my boss is pretty much a more pretty and successful version of me, this evening it really got to me. It will be great working from now on, as I'll be seeing this mirror image nearly every day for over 10 hours.

I think what really got me today though, is that I have to choose between either a secure job, or being insecure and continue to pursue art. I am already too old to try and see what works, as I am miles behind everyone else both with my art capabilities and my work career. Considering I haven't exactly drawn much when I had the time, I guess it's time to finally bury what little I've been clinging to from my old childhood dream.

yeah sorry az is like my live journal but you guys dont really know me that well so talking about this kind of thing here kinda helps

ive been depressed for a week straight with no sign of feeling better. i used to smoke some weed to help balance out everything but i can't really afford pot like i used to and i'm really scared of trying anti-depressants because its what sent my dad to numerous amounts of mental hospitals through out my childhood. when reubo was staying with me i felt like i was able to control any thoughts of suicide or just shitty feelings in general but now that he's not here i just feel like i can't do anything. im really scared it's going to be like college again where i start abusing alcohol again until i try and kill myself again.

i try and always force the funny to cover up these feelings but even thats not working anymore, i really should see a doctor but something always stops me from getting help.

sorry again az, i know suicide talk isnt really kosher but it does help to get this off my chest

OK, so because I forgot to say so earlier, thank you to everyone who gave me encouragement and advice regarding my last post. It really did help.

Chopstix wrote:yeah sorry az is like my live journal but you guys dont really know me that well so talking about this kind of thing here kinda helps

ive been depressed for a week straight with no sign of feeling better. i used to smoke some weed to help balance out everything but i can't really afford pot like i used to and i'm really scared of trying anti-depressants because its what sent my dad to numerous amounts of mental hospitals through out my childhood. when reubo was staying with me i felt like i was able to control any thoughts of suicide or just shitty feelings in general but now that he's not here i just feel like i can't do anything. im really scared it's going to be like college again where i start abusing alcohol again until i try and kill myself again.

i try and always force the funny to cover up these feelings but even thats not working anymore, i really should see a doctor but something always stops me from getting help.

sorry again az, i know suicide talk isnt really kosher but it does help to get this off my chest

I really would suggest going to see a doctor. You're too awesome a dude to have this stuff get in the way of you being awesome.

Yeah, I agree with Vax.

I can see why you're scared of going to the doc and especially pills, but maybe you remember how I was until early last year? I was being suicidal too, and what finally tipped me over to rise above the fear and actually go out to look for help was when I got a call from my best friend after going trough a night which might've ended the wrong way. He was crying because he was pop flyin' that I was still alive, and during that moment something inside of me broke and I went to get help from a normal doc first for referals and who to speak to and things.

I was afraid of pills too, what if I become someone entirely else? What if they make things worse? And what about the often heard possibility of liver failure? But when my therapist said that I have to look at it from a different point of view, I was convinced. When you're sick with a flu for example, it's not a normal condition for you to be in, so you go to the doc to get treatment so you feel better. When you're feeling depressed to the point of suicide, it's not a normal condition to be in either, and the pills are there so you feel better.
On the third day of taking my pills, everything was incredibly different. My thoughts weren't revolving around bad things anymore, and when I realised that this was gone, and more importantly, I was actually being pop flyin' and enjoying things, my literal thoughts were "Wow, it's this easy?!". I've gone out of pills because I was actively boosting my job career so I didn't have time for doctor appointments, but I'm still doing enormously good. Sure, sometimes I feel down and insecure, and remember some old things which make me hesitate - but guess what, that's normal! Everyone feels a bit bad sometimes, even when it's a tiny thing and super silly, it's really normal. What's not normal though, if you keep beating yourself up about it, dragging it along and add it to other things.

Either way, don't be scared of doctor's and therapists - they are there to help you. It's no shame going trough multiple people, because it's really important to find someone you feel comfortable with talking over such things, because they really are touchy subjects and you want to feel secure.

And don't be scared of what will happen when you take treatment, because I know myself that it's really scary when your secure structure, even when it consists only of bad things, falls apart. What will catch you? Will you just fall down endlessly?
Because you know what? It will get better. Take the leap, even when it might look scary or impossible, because it's worth it. Because you're worth it.

I've been really down lately and I'm not even really sure why. I feel like I'm insignificant and won't ever really amount to much and I want to just drop out of school and stuff. And then I feel like I'm not even allowed to feel this way because I'm usually pretty pop flyin' and stuff so if I felt differently then everyone at school would start asking me what's wrong and stuff and I feel like I would be letting them down by not being my usual self.

I miss Terraem.

I often surprise people with my memory of specific things, and I always just thought "This is seriously nothing weird, you're just forgetful" but I'm starting to realize... My "keen" memory is probably just because I'm stupid useless piece of shit who never tries learning anything new, so there's really nothing that the memory of the exact phrasing a person once used in a conversation 4 years ago has to compete with to stay in my brain.

I'm so tired of looking for work

I know the feeling. Hang in there trooper, I know you can do it.

My friend who likes me is now not talking to me and has removed me from all social media. I feel terrible. Like, it's my fault. And I don't know how. I think it's cause I ranted about my insecurities about Noff and I to him (this was like the second time), so I guess he's just taking it into his own hands to not deal with my problems.

Edit: Also, apparently he killed our DND group again. It's always because of problems between me and him. This isn't fair. Not fair to me, cause he's barring me from hanging out with our friends (practically), and also not fair for them cause they wanna play the game too. Just cause he's DM doesn't mean he can just quit on it. Also, he removed me from his friends' League group. I kinda wonder if I have to remove them from Skype too... cause they're his friends.. this sucks. They were really cool and nice.. I don't think I have to do that, really. I just feel very distraught, and hopeless.

Sorry if this seems long, I'm just feeling a lot of things right now. It's late at night, I don't know. I'd rather condense it down to one post rather than come back later. Sorry if things seem unorganized too, I'm just writing about things as they come.

For some reason I feel like crying for no reason. Most of the time it's just a burning feeling at my lower eyelids, I don't think I've ever actually cried from it. Sometimes my eyes just feel heavy and hurt. Especially now, it feels really strong.

Recently the feeling has been happening more and more often. Normally it just happens at home where I'm all alone to think about the crazy things I do, but now it's kinda leaking into my school time, where there are people. In a weird way, it makes me feel as if I'm bipolar or something, like the bad feelings I usually have leave at the bat of an eyelid whenever something happens. I guess it's like a distraction from how I feel? I can still laugh. I can still be pop flyin', but it seems like there has to be a trigger for it. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be? But I'm sure that you're not supposed to feel sad during those nothing times.

I'm also thinking about dying a lot more often. Not necessarily suicide, but just dying. Just, I wouldn't mind it. It's still rather scary, but I dunno. The only reason I'm holding out is that there's one specific thing I want to do in the future that will probably take years to complete. I've let go of a lot of dreams and goals, but this one is the one that's held out the longest. Once I complete it, I dunno, I won't commit suicide I don't think, but I'll probably care less about my well being and end up doing something fatal from recklessness.

Doing the things I love like drawing feel a lot more tiring than they used to. It used to feel rather chore-ish, because drawing is hard, but I just feel less and less inclined to do it anymore.

I'm afraid of the dark and being alone, I don't like talking to people even though I can't bear NOT talking to people. I'm afraid of moving out of my family's house because that will probably mean living in some scary apartment alone and sleeping alone. Sleeping is already terrifying with people in the house with me. I'm not sure how much better I would feel if someone was sleeping right beside me.

I'm afraid of having and not having a relationship. I'm afraid of having one because I really don't trust people and not having one because being alone is absolutely terrifying. I don't really understand this, because I often desire solitude, but at the same time I don't. I'm also not sure if I can ever fall in love with someone or if someone can fall in love with me. I'm afraid that I'm romantically apathetic or asexual or something. If I were stronger this might not be such problem, but I'm not.

I don't really know what I can do with myself. I just want to cry, but I can't/won't.

I don't know what I want. There's that aforementioned goal I have, but other than that, I've got next to nothing.

I don't think anyone knows about what I feel other than the people that read this. I'm sure I come off as an extroverted person in other people's eyes, an eccentric, what have you. I'm sure it's probably the stupidest thing to come onto a public forum to talk about it, but I don't know. I don't want to talk to a psychiatrist, I don't want to talk to my parents, I don't want to talk to anyone. Yet here I am. Talking to people who are next to complete strangers. I don't know. I really don't.

I really just want to disappear into the mist, but I'm not ready for that yet.

I'm wondering how many of my friends are the same/similar to me.

Edit: After that whole deal, I've half convinced myself that I'm probably crazy. Either that, or I'm going through some pretty normal stuff and are over dramatizing it. Heck if I knew.

How old are you? I think this frequently happens to people around the age of 18-20, when you realize you're not a teenager anymore and you no longer enjoy the same things, but you don't have enough experience to know just what you like now and who you are exactly. It's happened to me, and to several people on this forum too I'm sure. You're not alone.