AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Well ok yeah kick that fucker to the curb

went to pet one of my cats and realized she has this huge tumour on her leg that has fur missing and seems kind of painful

it's the cat i don't really like because she's crazy/wild and have been talking about getting rid of and now i feel shitty

I wish I wasn't deathly afraid of feelings and stuff.

I don't make a difference to anyone. I don't contribute anything to anyone's life. I feel like a shitstain on the earth.

There are plenty of people here who think otherwise

Me included.

Going through rough patches is incredibly taxing, especially when you're with no one but yourself. Alone and in the night are when our demons come out. It's important to remember that your life has a purpose, even if it doesn't seem important to you, and even if people are putting you down. At the end of the day, you're living for yourself, selfishly, not for anyone else. Always remember that you are your own dearest friend.

That goes for anyone.

I think you're cool, Marcato. If that helps.

i think Tuxedo Mask is planning on breaking up with me after he visits

Today I have felt nothing but weary of living.

No doctor nearby I can talk with.

I feel so daisies tired.

There's so much noise in my head right now, telling me all these things that I know aren't true, but I feel like they're true anyway. Things such as:

My entire career is dependent on my audition and application for the School of Music in November, and I'm not prepared at all for them. They ask a lot of me and I didn't have the opportunities in high school to be the kind of musician they want me to be. I don't have a backup plan, either. Nothing else sounds appealing. So if I blow it, and I will, then that's it. I don't know where to go from there.

I'm shit at everything I try to do. I don't excel at anything, even the things I love to do. I have no special talents to set me apart from anyone else.

I have no motivation. I'm a lazy booty who doesn't get everything done right away and never goes the extra distance.

I have no job experience. Who would want to hire an idiot like me anyway?

I don't care about other people as much as I should. I'm too selfish and conceited and unconcerned about the lives of others.

I'm completely incompetent at things that people my age should know. I don't know how to do things like file taxes or buy a reasonably priced house or plan a wedding or anything important like that.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere, especially here in college. My family will hate me once they find out I'm atheist and I feel left out during band and when hanging out with church friends. And it's my fault because I'm not outgoing enough and don't have anything interesting to say.

I want to start a family someday, but who would ever love me that much? I'm too ugly and boring and self-centered and picky and childish.

Or let's say someone DOES miraculously love me. They'd be sick of me before too long. I have so few people I socialize with regularly that I'd be a clingy maniac that would drive that woman insane.

I don't want to talk to anyone about how I feel because they won't care or they'll get angry or annoyed at me. They'll think I'm just being an attention whore and don't actually want help. Or they'll just think I'm completely insane and avoid me.

I really want to be pop flyin', but all these ideas floating around my head just make me so upset, because no matter how much I want to say they're completely wrong, I wonder if there's small bits of truth in each one.

You could join the military.

Hey Marc if it makes you feel any better, those exact same thoughts run through my own head as well, and I'd bet good cheddar that they run through the heads of almost everyone in our stage of life. You're not alone. (Hooray quarter life crisis) Keep your head up, I've heard all those doubts and bad self-talk myself and you've gotta keep ignoring them and doing your best.

I've got a semester of school left and have made no progress finding a job either. I spend most of my days wasting time on vidja games and having anxiety over doing simple everyday errands, let alone finding the motivation to do something useful, simply because I have no idea what I'm doing with my life and I don't know how to make a resume sound non-shitty or fill out forms or do other "adult" things that everyone supposedly knows how to do.

Here's a secret I've learned about adulthood: nobody knows what the shit they're doing. Taxes? Rent? Looking for a job? The only reason "everybody" knows how to do these things is because they've done them before. Don't be afraid to ask for help, somewhere, anywhere. And if that doesn't work, just fumble around until you figure it out and chances are if you pay attention, think things through, and make some educated guesses you'll be fine.

Yeah you're not perfect, and yeah you're not the amazing prodigy that gets everything done all the time and graduated college at 16 or invented some way to stop world hunger or whatever. Just because you've known people who can be busy 100% of the time doesn't mean you have to be. Just because you can look at other people and say "daisies they sure do have their life together" doesn't mean you're a lesser person for living differently and making yourself pop flyin'. You're not useless. You're allowed to spend time however you want. You deserve to do things you want to do. And you can make "progress" with your life whenever you're ready, and you can decide what that means.

I'm giving you this advice because half the things you listed are things going on with me as well, and I am trying my best to follow said advice.

Marc, bro, what I am about to say to you is intended to be reassuring, not sarcastic or "well duhhhh". But you are correct that many of these things do not require the levels of upset that you are currently sitting under.

I didn't have the opportunities in high school to be the kind of musician they want me to be.

Neither did I. I was bodaciously the only flautist in the department who had never had lessons before, never played outside of the high school band, and was still on a shitty beginner instrument. I not only got into the music ed. program, I have since improved by drastic amounts now that college provides me with the opportunities I lacked in high school. Unless ASU's school of music is absurdly elite and unyielding, they don't expect you to be the musician they want upon audition. The audition in most schools is more to gauge where they should place you in the program. Like what lessons you need to be signed up for, which ensembles they can expect you to participate in, etc.

I'm shit at everything I try to do. I don't excel at anything, even the things I love to do. I have no special talents to set me apart from anyone else.

First, no you're not. Being shit at something is not the same as being average at something. Being a Jack-Of-All-Trades can be a talent in and of itself. And I'm sure you do have talents that are beyond most people, you likely just don't necessarily recognize them as talents because you assume that everyone can do it when they can't. I have found this to be a common thing when legitimately modest (or just self-loathing) people are good at something.

I have no motivation. I'm a lazy booty who doesn't get everything done right away and never goes the extra distance.

This is something that you can fix as soon as you're aware of it, and as soon as you find something that does motivate you. Like music.

I have no job experience. Who would want to hire an idiot like me anyway?

You've looked at the job market, right? Almost NO ONE our age has the job experience desired for anything besides very basic, unskilled positions.

I don't care about other people as much as I should. I'm too selfish and conceited and unconcerned about the lives of others.

Well, obviously empathy is good, but remember: Can't be of any use to others until you're useful to yourself. A healthy level of selfishness is good for becoming productive and preventing yourself from just being pulled apart by others' demands. Everything in moderation. It took me way too long to learn this one myself.

I'm completely incompetent at things that people my age should know. I don't know how to do things like file taxes or buy a reasonably priced house or plan a wedding or anything important like that.

Like Saint said, pretty much everyone flounders at this their first time or two. I don't have an exact statistic, but for the majority of tasks, it takes a psychologially and developmentally healthy person 3-10 repetitions of any given task before they can be expected to confidently know what they are doing. Big tasks like taxes and living arrangements might fall a bit farther beyond the 3 than, say, ordering a transcript or driving someplace. And no one knows how to plan a wedding except the people who make it their profession. (the profession bit could apply to both the marrying and the planning, I suppose.)

I feel like I don't belong anywhere, especially here in college. My family will hate me once they find out I'm atheist and I feel left out during band and when hanging out with church friends. And it's my fault because I'm not outgoing enough and don't have anything interesting to say.

Your family can just go and suck on a bag of lemons until they figure out that being sour only leaves a bad taste in their own mouths.
I don't know that I have anything useful for you to help out with the band thing, since I personally seem to prefer flying solo a fair bit more than you do, but if you haven't tried it already, just listen to other people talk for a bit until they come to a topic that you also find interesting. You don't even have to have any earth-shattering, profound statements about the topic. Just something as simple as "Oh hey! I like Tifa too! Dem tits, man...I mean, amazing fighting skills?"

I want to start a family someday, but who would ever love me that much? I'm too ugly and boring and self-centered and picky and childish.

Or let's say someone DOES miraculously love me. They'd be sick of me before too long. I have so few people I socialize with regularly that I'd be a clingy maniac that would drive that woman insane.

I dunno, I've seen some people who seem pretty undesirable still have others willing (and even pop flyin') to live and make babbies with them. You are not ugly, people are only ever boring to others with interests that are too different, and you will likely grow out of the others if you are consciously making decisions to not let those temporary traits run your personality.
And hey, funny thing about individuals, every single one has at least slightly different preferences. Nobody has a guarantee at a fulfilling relationship, but you will most likely find someone who you share a mutual affection with, as long as you are both willing to meet the others' needs (within reason, of course). It'll likely just be a little while until you meet the person that you realize is worth the effort.

i'm selfish, moody, a tightass, a huge raging bitch, and if things don't go the way i planned them i will bodaciously have a crisis that shuts down life for hours. i still got married. somehow. i just found a guy who is giving, grounded, flexible, spontaneous enough to fix my plans, and able to take the violence i am prone to (and better, give it back, which is awesome.)

i seriously wonder what people think sometimes because all we do is bitch and punch each other. i put a scar on kyle the first time he ever came to my house.

i promise we love one another lol


but my point is even if you think you're completely undesirable (i mean my mom actually had to sit me down one day and tell me to stop punching everyone or i wouldn't have any friends,) SOMEONE out there can be compatible with you if you're willing to tweak a few things and put forth the effort.

I had the exact same thoughts (all of them) through 2013 after I dropped out of uni for the second time. As long as you keep going forward, it can only get better.
I got my first job that summer. It sucked, but I got some experience and I learned a lot and I met a good friend. When I went back to college, I became friends with his friends and it was super simple.
I had no hopes of making any friends in my major so I didn't even try to sound cool and hip and appealing and I made more friends that way than I've had in my entire life. I've never felt better about myself than I do now because I don't have to fit my expectations of people's expectations of me and people appreciate me more.
I had a friend in high school who would always tell me, whenever I complained about having no life, that nobody else does anyway. You construct an ideal life that nobody actually lives and feel bad for not living it yourself. If you're satisfied without comparing yourself to others, that's all that matters.
Just stay on the lookout for opportunities and be yourself.

got back from the vets. cat's tumour is too big, and in too bad of a spot to remove without taking off her entire leg. we cannot afford an amputation. if we leave it, the tumour will continue to grow until it explodes, bodaciously. our only real choice is to euthanize her.

her birthday is tuesday.

i don't like this cat but it still feels like a waste, and i am feeling horribly guilty that i am the one who manifested this because i wanted her to go away so badly.