AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Embrace it if you can

Get a lot of this guy for example http://bagbosse.tumblr.com/tagged/bagboss

His lines aren't clean or weighted and they're all wiggly, but they're confident. People enjoy his work for the imagery and the little stories he always appends to them.

Also try working larger, making broad gestural strokes.

His lines are nice, although that's not the sort of style I've enjoyed working with.

I'm hoping my problem is from a lack of practice, so I think if I just keep trying I'll get stable again.

Roommate has all her stuff packed up and I've barely started.

But really what makes me sad is the fact that all the kitchen stuff is packed up. How will I make food? Even the super convenient water boiler thingy that made ramen and tea super easy. ;_;

Plus looking at my own stuff not packed makes me feel bad about myself for being lazy, but I haven't even found a new apartment yet and I'd like to be comfortable and stuff before I have to move out? ugh.

Grandma's in the hospital because my family in New York are egotistical assholes that would rather play the "What's in it for me?" game than bother taking her to a doctor when she first gets sick. They don't think it's really serious, but with it being pneumonia it doesn't take much for the condition to worsen or for someone to get a secondary infection, especially with her being 84.

Mom left with my aunts to drive straight through up there in case anything happens and to kick some asses, and meanwhile I'm going to be alone on my birthday with all of this going on, and it kinda sucks.

Kinda mad that I wasn't even thought of to go up with Mom, but I've given up that fight years ago because there's always an excuse why my bond with family members isn't as important as me staying here.

My mother just sent me an email to wish me a pop flyin' birthday.
My sister invited my father and me for dinner tomorrow (since it's also Fathers' Day soon), I think I'll try to ask her to help me figure things out.

Good luck, buddy.

If it's your actual birthday today? Well, pop flyin' birthday, then. You're pretty radical and you have an amazing sense of humor, we're glad to have you around.

It's actually tomorrow. But thank you, I'm pop flyin' to hear that

Quick, switch threads!
P.S: pop flyin' birthday for tomorrow!

My dog Donut died today. He had a weird stomache virus and he was limping since like two days ago, and we took him to the vet finally today after I convinced my mom being a professional nurse FOR PEOPLE is ENTIRELY DIFFERENT from being a professional veterinarian. I was there when he died, and he jerked and then his tail and then slowly nothing.. He did it earlier, though, according to my mom.. so.. I thought it was like a seizure.. or something. But he just stayed like that no matter how much I nudged and told him to wake up. It was so pitiful, geeze. Remembering myself just constantly nudging him telling him to wake up. I actually cried a little bit after he died.

This is kinda why I didn't wanna get attached. I didn't even get to say goodbye to my first dog when my mom took him to be put down. She didn't feel the need to tell anybody, and by then we had gotten a new dog too, before Ziek died. Our second dog ran away. And then we had Donut. My family should never have pets. I've never been raised with having any sympathy towards animals. All I've learned to be nice to animals, I saw from other people and from shows. It was weird to me how everybody felt like their dog was "part of the family". I never liked my dog's name: Donut. I wanted to name him something like Jacki or Jonathan. Something with a J, I remember. But mom said I couldn't cause if my brother's God Mother came, she'd have sad memories of her deceased husband. (Which is ENTIRELY RIDICULOUS, IMO. C'mon, it's A DOG. AND JUST A REGULAR NAME.) So my mom got to decide his name. But even then she kept calling him "dog".

Anyway, we suck at having pets. Donut was super pop flyin' and always barking and wanting to play when he first lived here. Eventually he stopped being super pop flyin', and kept trying to run out. I kinda never wanted to play with him because he'd eventually die and leave, and it wasn't a top priority. We fed him human/Filipino food/anything that was left overs. I knew in my heart that it was wrong, and mom and dad's logic of "oh he's a dog they eat anything" was terrible, but I was in no place to argue with them, and had no cheddar to buy food. Plus, the food we did buy him at first didn't appeal to him, and he didn't eat it. Eventually I did play with him more. He was adorable and super fluffy and always curled up to me when I pet him. It was pretty nice. I even begged a ton for my parents to let us bring him on a trip to the river. He didn't want to go in the water, but I think he appreciated being out of the yard and spending time with us.

But yeah. I just feel really upset and distraught about the whole thing. Like, I wasn't good to him very much, so is it okay for me to be upset and missing him? I even didn't concentrate on his death much today. Pushed it out of my mind. Dad buried him in the back yard (which, I think might be against some city law?), and when he was doing that, my brothers and I went to the movies. I just feel weird about being sad cause I was such a terrible owner and didn't help him much or play with him much until way way later. The only way I started gaining compassion for animals was from Noffletoff, because he loves all of his pets so much. I wanna be like him. I don't want to be like my parents where they only saw our dog as less than an animal. He was pretty much a thing to them, or even less than a thing. Something to "watch the house" (he was NOT a watch dog), and be practically a garbage disposal. I feel really distraught and upset. All I know is that I am not letting them get another pet ever ever ever again. My parents aren't very good parents, and even worse pet owners.

not having your feelings returned is probably one of the worst feelings you can have

I'm feeling crippling terror over my own mortality again. Death scares me. Even if there's nothing, I don't want to die. I don't want to get old and make jokes about death, or think about how it will be the last time I have to do it. It scares me, how little time we have.

Misterme7 wrote:I'm feeling crippling terror over my own mortality again. Death scares me. Even if there's nothing, I don't want to die. I don't want to get old and make jokes about death, or think about how it will be the last time I have to do it. It scares me, how little time we have.

To quote one of my favorite cartoonists - "Dont kid yourself, soon you'll be dead, and not a single person will miss you". In other words, welcome to being a normal human. Every single thing we say and do is just a desperate attempt to distract us from the unyielding reality of the grave.

It's because death is so inevitable that life is so important. Since we all have an expiry date we may as well enjoy life while we can. I'm not going to waste my time being miserable about things I can't control.

Part of why people joke about death is because if we didnt trivialize it, all we'd do is sit around and cry or lie on the floor in apathy. And you dont even have to be old to be afraid of deaths icy grip, you can drop dead at any second from any number of ailments that can strike at any age, any person, for any reason. Alive one second, dead the next. And so it goes. Its just something you have to learn to deal with. Me, I go to the old gallows humor.

I've been wanting to socialize and hang out with some of my close friends, but none of them ever respond to my texts or messages. I waited a week then tried again, still nothing. I waited another week thinking they may have lost their phone and messaged them via computer and still nothing! I'm not sure if I acted like a terrible person at some point and they're shunning me, find me acting too clingy, lost access to their internet, or that something god awful bad might've happened to them...

I haven't been able to communicate with the 2 of them at all since summer began. As a matter of fact, I haven't been able to communicate with anyone I know in real life aside from 1 friend, and even that is only in a few messages.

I feel like I'm being overly paranoid, but their unresponsiveness is really worrying me and kind of making me slightly angry as a side effect. I shouldn't be angry, so what's wrong them not wanting to hang out with me? I don't know, but I've been beating myself up over it and am probably just being a baby and crying over nothing. I think I'm being too over emotional over something that I probably shouldn't be worrying about and pretty much stayed up until 4 am thinking of reasons why I suck to rationalize why they may have started ignoring me or pondering the worst case scenario of them being kidnapped or murdered and feeling bad about worrying about myself instead of them.

Jeez, I sound like such a whiner. I feel like I'm just going to fall into the perpetual loop of making myself feel bad even though there's probably a logical reason that does not involve them hating me or being in danger as to why they haven't responded. I am probably being paranoid over nothing and making myself feel awful over nothing.