AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Sometimes I feel like the constant worry and fear of failure is a lot more stressful than actually failing. I feel like actually crashing and burning and completely failing this semester would actually be kind of a relief because I would at least have something to plan off of. As it stands now I'm just left not knowing what to do because I don't know how badly I've fucked up yet.

Sitting next to my crush raving about how cute a guy is isn't exactly the most pleasant way to spend an evening.

Bob Hoskins passed away. I grew up watching movies starring him. And he was only 71. This is truly a sad day.

This whole semester has been a crazy clusterfuck and I'm no better off at the end of it than I was at the beginning.

I'm going to make A's in 2 classes, but at the same time I'm making an Incomplete in Japanese because I stupidly decided to try cramming two semesters into one with a full load (probably would have made an A if I didn't have other problems this semester) and I dropped Physics which is either going to not count against me or is going to turn into an F if my professor decides to be a booty, and him being a booty is part of the reason I dropped the class.

I've lost so much sleep, I've cut myself off from so much social interaction all because of the time investments it entailed meant cutting into the time I needed for other things, I've made myself sick with worry...

This would however have been a typical semester of worries and fears that ended up being unfounded if not for 3 incidents:

1. My Great Uncle passing away in February suddenly which made my Grandma the last surviving sibling which put a lot of pressure on me and my mom's side of the family to comfort her since she didn't even get to say goodbye, this kinda ate up some time I should have been devoting to school, and while this didn't really hurt me, I did get stressed about my choices.

2. Babysitting. I've been doing some babysitting in my spare time for some easy cheddar and generally it hasn't been bad. Mostly just for one family because they can't get home in time for the buses, so I basically just show up, get some snacks ready, let the kids in, and work on homework alongside them until the parents come home. I sometimes stay longer and help with other stuff, but it doesn't really eat up my time, so it's no big deal. However, my cousin wanted me to babysit his daughter and complained that I babysat other kids. I've talked about his daughter before and how she needs help but they don't really do much for her. I ended up agreeing for $50 because bodaciously no one else would help them and it was just a few hours etc. Horrible fucking evening, she had awful moodswings, threw enough of a fit where she ran into the bathroom, slammed the door, and vomited all over the shower floor (thankfully), kept trying to smear boogers all over my face (which resulted in her being put in timeout where she threw another fit and tried to force herself to throw up), and tried to escape the house so she could play out in the street because no one would let her and she thought she could outsmart me. This ended up with her throwing her final fit of the night right before her parents got home, and storm off to her room. I took it as her going to have one of her 20 minute scream and cry sessions and just sat down to play my 3DS for a few minutes until she came back out of her room. She proceeded to hit me square in the back (it was an open backed chair) with something (I'm guessing a thick plastic bat?) and throw my back all out of sorts. Of course, she managed to hit right where my surgery was last year which was still tender and I was in severe pain and couldn't move. Luckily, my cousin got back just a few minutes after this and drove me home while his wife dealt with the daughter (who thankfully didn't use my incapacitation to try to run out of the house), scared as hell at how rustled I was, promising to help me if I didn't tell anyone. I saw my chiropractor, the area was just inflamed, but I had to be on bed rest for the week. Missed a week's worth of classes, rustled off some professors, had to ditch on friends, put my babysitting family in a bind to find someone else that could be home for the kids, and ended up getting replaced by the new sitter for the rest of the semester because schedules worked better. Just basically felt like shit the entire time.

3. After recovering from my back problems and finally getting back on track in school, Dad brilliantly managed to poison the whole family by putting 2 whole big boxes of mothballs under the house, resulting in me and mom going to the hospital and getting the runaround because the doctor didn't like that our clinic diagnosed it as poisoning when they prefer "irritant sensitivity". Basically was kept in the house for the rest of the week after dad cleaned out the house for us, wasn't allowed to go to school until I met certain benchmarks, and I couldn't even look at a computer/tv/phone screen without puking so my professors didn't know what the hell happened to me until I came back, which fucked me royally and caused me to get an I in Japanese.

I'm not the best student, but these things just completely steamrolled me this semester. I still can't use them as excuses though and it makes me sad that after all of the work and stress I put into this semester, I was better off just pissing it all away and enjoying myself since I'm going to be starting over next semester with Japanese and Physics.

This has also been the first time in a long time that I've been so down on myself and it reminds me of when I constantly had a presence in my mind in middle school telling me to kill myself, and I never want to be put back in that corner again. I still occasionally have nightmares that bring that same feeling of dread up and I just end up crying and feeling shitty all weekend about being so weak and scared of those feelings.

I just need this summer to fix things in my life, most notably to start to like myself as a person again and accept that things don't work out all the time. Hopefully I'll be better prepared mentally for next semester.

Man Kamak that sucks a big one, I hope you manage to get things back on track and work stuff out.

That whole mess really rings true to me because shit like that goes down for me pretty much in the middle of every school situation I've ever been in. I'm not the best student either, but I can say I think Id be somewhat better off if something didn't manage to fuck me over for a week or two bodaciously every semester.

I don't know if I complain and whine to people to feel comforted, or if I'm trying to make them solve my problems for me.

My family hates me.

What makes you say that?

They hate me for wanting to do something independently. They are so hatefully against it that they are willing to hurt me then to let me be pop flyin'.

I'm on thin ice with Marcato, it seems.

The Willow Witch wrote:They hate me for wanting to do something independently. They are so hatefully against it that they are willing to hurt me then to let me be pop flyin'.

Well, without knowing the activity, I can't really provide any input, but you're not obligated to explain any further if you don't want to.

Barabba wrote:I'm on thin ice with Marcato, it seems.

Because I haven't responded immediately to your daily PMs? I have finals this week, dude.

Marcato wrote:

Barabba wrote:I'm on thin ice with Marcato, it seems.

Because I haven't responded immediately to your daily PMs? I have finals this week, dude.

See, this is what I'm talking about. You need to chill out.

I don't know if I'm supposed to take you seriously right now, but I'm perfectly calm, and also not having this debate here.

On the internet, you have the magical power to make up other people's emotions due to lack of voice inflection and body language.

"Because I haven't responded IMMEDIATELY to your PMs?"

In any case, I'm not upset, Barabba is just assuming that I am, unless he's trying to be funny, because I seriously can't tell. Also, for the record, I really don't appreciate being called out in a thread like this when it can be done less publicly through other means. Can we please move on with the sad now?