AWKWARD ZOMBIE

She's quick to change attitude (she's bipolar) so I'm not surprised her demeanor changed so quickly.

Conflicts pain me.
I wish I could clap my hands and make people magically love each other.

I like dark, eerie and disturbing music as much as I like pop flyin'-clappy techno beats.

I've never said (or wrote, in this case) this out loud, because the thought of it is terrifying to me, but...

I can feel my mind deteriorating. Every day, I feel more and more cloudy.. less lucid. I have trouble remembering things that I did hours ago, and all my days seem to blend together in my memory and fall under three categories: at work, at home, elsewhere. That's as specific as my memory gets.

It's almost difficult for me to hold conversations, because my mind doesn't react quickly enough to respond intelligently. It makes me look foolish, when I'm really not.

I'll find myself doing things that contradict common sense, and will stop myself and say aloud "Why am I doing this?". I've asked myself that question twice today, that I can recall, and the situations under which the question fell are lost to me.

My mind seems to find muscle memory and stick to it. For instance, about a week ago, my manager was resetting the cash registers at work. The process takes about half an hour, during which time, any orders added to the register will not only reset the reset, but force a new register to be required to hold whatever cheddar might be inbound. Basically, if I place any orders during the reset, it adds LOTS of unnecessary stress and time to my manager's workload. A customer came in and I took their order and my mind did all but shut itself off as it walked me to the computer, punched in the order, and placed me in the kitchen. I then realized what I had done and had no way to explain myself. Since then, I've bodaciously had to set up barriers to stop myself from doing the same thing during resets. If I don't, my body reacts and I screw everything up.

There is almost no history of alzheimer's in my family, early onset or otherwise, and I have only ever drank alcohol or smoked substance once each. I didn't care for either.

I am bodaciously losing my mind. My mind is escaping, rapidly, and I don't know if I can regain it, or even how I would if I could. If the trend continues, a year from now, I will have zero memory retention and will probably be living entirely off of instinct.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know if I can live if this continues. I don't know if I WANT to live if this continues. I just want to be able to think clearly. I want my brain back.

Sometimes I feel down because I don't know anybody else with the same taste in music as me;;;;

Breau, have you seen a doctor at all

I can't really afford it. I probably should pool something together and try though, I suppose.

Breau, I feel incredibly sorry for you, losing your mind is one of the worst things I can imagine. You have to see a doctor man, it's the ony hope you have if you're right.

I just wrote a page, front and back, on things I've wanted to tell my stepfather for a long time. I have nothing to lose for telling him everything on that page, and chances are he'd be upset with me for a few days and then get over it. Logic dictates I should tell him everything. I probably won't.

This IDS Course is honestly the first and only thing that I do not care one bit about, or one bit about what I have learned in it.

I'm starting to grow more and more paranoid about my roommate damaging or even destroying my things out of maliciousness or his own twisted views of revenge.

Le Great Handsome Oppressor wrote:Conflicts pain me.
I wish I could clap my hands and make people magically love each other.

I read a book where this was the main character's power.

It sucked horribly.

Screw books

Uh oh! Someone with the clap love power used it on Great Handsome Oppressor and his bookcase!

I don't think fucking a bookcase is going to solve this.