Broadview security
Easily the most unintentionally funny commercial I've ever seen. It starts out with a mother and daughter playing soccer in the backyard, because that's totally a typical mother-daughter activity. Notice how the daughter has a sweater around her waist, despite the fact that it's obviously summertime and she is
right outside her fucking house. There's really need for her to have that sweater around her waist, or even
with her if she doesn't need it. All it does is make her look like she belongs to a super rich and incredibly white family. Meanwhile, a is guy observing them through a hole in the fence. I know what you're thinking: bald, wearing a dark, heavy coat in the middle of the summertime, and spying on people? Couldn't
possibly be dangerous.
Look honey, it's the milkman trying to break into the Johnson's house in order to make his delivery. Now that's what I call dedication to one's job.
This would seem to be what the neighbors think, because somehow he is allowed to peep through the fence in the most suspicious manner possible without anybody so much as lifting a finger. What does the suspicious guy (Spoiler alert: he's a burglar) do after that? He leaves after divining that the mother and daughter whom he had been observing just moments before must be okay with him ransacking the shit outta their house right in front of them, and sneaks around to the front of the house. When he gets there, he begins looking through the windows in an almost laughably nefarious manner, almost as if he had switched bodies with the Flash.
Note: not evil.
Not long after he leaves, the mother tells her daughter, who totally wants to spank her, that they should go in for lunch.
Tap dat booty.
After getting inside, she turns on the alarm (despite the fact that she's inside the house and is probably only going to be there for fifteen minutes), an action that still leaves me scratching my head. Because this means that either the mother has OCD, or she enjoys performing actions that are a pain in the booty to do and superfluous in nature, seeing as how she's still
in the home, and would therefore hear any break-in. No normal human being would make something so unnecessarily complicated and pointless a part of their routine. I mean, it's just a button that calls an emergency center if it goes off, not some smagical ED-209.
You have 15 seconds to comply.
The burglar watches as the mother TURNS ON THE ALARM, and in what could only be called a stoke of both genius and cunning, determines that she obviously must have been activating her teleporter and was about to use it. That meant that it was the perfect time to break in. Further demonstrating his brilliance, he walks up to the front door (now with his hood pulled up onto his head, because otherwise he might have looked
suspicious to anybody in the neighborhood, thereby bringing himself to attention and creating witnesses that could describe what his hood looked like. This line of logic is akin to putting on your ski mask in a bank
after pulling out your gun and announcing your intention to rob it.) and he bashes in the (apparently) termite-ridden door on his first try by hitting it like a linebacker. That's right; he broke through
front door of the house in BROAD DAYLIGHT (entering from the front in the daytime, yet another in a long series of unbelievably intelligent decisions) on his first try, because dammit, he's the
juggernaut, bitch. You've got to admire his sense of professionalism.
SILLY BITCH YO DOORS CAN'T HARM ME DON'T YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM? I'M THE JUGGERNAUT!
When he breaks the door, he is greeted by a mother who screams like a gigantic pussy that can't make up her mind about which emotion she wants to feel, along with his worst nightmare...
A BEEPING NOISE.
How to go from terrified...
...to befuddled...
...to somewhat turned on.
What he doesn't realize is that the beeping noise is MOTHERFUCKING BROADVIEW SECURITY, the security system SO ADVANCED that it makes burglars morph their facial structures, become fatter, change skin tones, and grow a beard. Everything but change their clothes, essentially.
- Before:
After:
I'VE COME TO TAKE HARRY POTTER TO HOGWARTS!
Oh yeah, and it also manages to make them look relatively perplexed with a stupid look on their face. That's also a feature. Mistaking the alarm for an air raid siren or perhaps the alarm sound from Red Alert, the burglar dashes to find shelter from the Ruskey's bombs. He doesn't even grab anything before running out of there, even though the mother and daughter, who have since run up the stairs to the false safety of the bedroom, aren't going to present of much of a problem.
>Attack
>Item
>Pokemon
>Flee
>Flee
Burglar has gotten away!
After he's gone, it's the typical security spiel. The impossibly handsome security worker calls the mother and asks if everything is all right in the most concerned and compassionate manner possible.
I installed your security system and then disabled it just so I could fuck your wife with my handsomeness.
Meanwhile, the daughter makes this really weird motion with her shoulder that makes it look like she's groping her mom's booty, which only further cements my theory that she wants to spank her mother.
I'd rub her a dub dub.
Soon after that it goes into the basic commercial. It starts off with a transformer disguised as a Brinks sign.
ROBOTS IN DISGUISE.
Then it shows you how it protects the house.... WITH MOTHERFUCKING BLUE LASER TECHNOLOGY.
Blue his house with a blue little window and a blue corvette.
Then it opens up the device to show you what's inside...
Tiny creatures inside of a command center: as seen in Men In Black!
Broadview command is always busy, as they show you. Their employees are impeccably dressed, straight-laced people who are overjoyed to be working in such a cold, distant, and overall repressive-feeling office! In other words, they're the CIA.
We're watching you fap.
But tragedy sets in. The house is hit by a blue shock wave that levels the every structure within a 100-mile radius,
instantly.
BLUE. BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE.
That blue is spreading faster than the hype over Swine Flu.
The disastrous shock wave kills thousands. Countless children are left orphaned, and survivors are only left to ask, "Why?"
But who gives a shit about that, let's go back to the mother and daughter who were visited by the world's worst burglar. They've got that guy that always seems to need to be somewhere with them now.
Exciting.
Look, ma'am, I appreciate you hitting on me and all, but I have other helpless bitches to go save. Also, I'm married. To a man.
Oh, before I forget, I also need your eternal soul. So just sign here.
IT'S OVURRRRRRR!
YOU'D BETTER FUCKING CALL NOW. WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.