Short Story Time

[Riku]

“Relax, princess,” I shout an impatient assurance. “We c--”

First thing I saw.

Is that a bad thing?

[Superior Bacon]

riku brain not good, i will read and critique later

[Riku]

Go to sleep, Bacon. It's a quarter to 2am.

[Myk]

Chester took that one little step out into the void, and hoped that wherever he was going, Rodney was coming with him.

;_;

[Superior Bacon]

pah sleep

[Riku]

Whatever floats your boat, I guess.

[Merlin]

It was a barren room that at first glance seemed like an overlooked crime-scene. There were no photos. A pile of newspapers dating back one year dominated a corner, and in another was a broken black-and-white television. After poking through the newspapers with the tip of his rifle, Chester meekly snuck over some discarded books toward the centre of the room.

How about:
The room was barren. At first glance, it appeared as an undiscovered crime scene. There were no photos on the walls. Old newspapers, dating back a a year, dominated a corner. A broken, black and white television sat in another. After poking through the newspapers with the tip of his rifle, Chester crept across the room, stepping on discarded books and stopping in the center..

Plus, the word is sneaked. It sounds stupid but snuck isn't a word.
Just, uh, I guess stay away from the passive.
I am too nitpicky for proofreading, that's why I don't write.

[Spoony]

How about:
The room was barren. At first glance, it appeared as an undiscovered crime scene. There were no photos on the walls. Old newspapers, dating back a a year, dominated a corner. A broken, black and white television sat in another. After poking through the newspapers with the tip of his rifle, Chester crept across the room, stepping on discarded books and stopping in the center..

Plus, the word is sneaked. It sounds stupid but snuck isn't a word.
Just, uh, I guess stay away from the passive.
I am too nitpicky for proofreading, that's why I don't write.

Yeah, I guess that works better. Not really planning on doing anything more with the piece though, so you'll excuse me if it sits ignored at the bottom of my porn folder (where all musings should go.)

[Merlin]

Yeah I kept that mind.

C:\Documents and Settings\Spoony\My Documents\NOT PORN DON'T LOOK IN HERE

[Spoony]

C:\Documents and Settings\Spoony\My Documents\SUPER HOT TRIPLE-DICKED SHEMALE ACTION (ALSO FICTION)

[Merlin]

Fiction, you say?

[Superior Bacon]

if you had three dicks would you pass out if you got an erection

[Firestorm]

if you had three dicks would you pass out if you got an erection

[Merlin]

MORE LIKE FRICTION.

[Spoony]

if you had three dicks would you pass out if you got an erection

KILL MY SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF WHY DON'T YOU.

MORE LIKE FRICTION.

Dohohohohohohohohoho